Total Drama Homespun - NondescriptNobert (2024)

Chapter 1: Intro: Return of The Host with the Most

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…..What is this?...

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…This is supposed to be over…..

It… Itended. Endless, ended.

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So why are we still going?

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Total Drama Homespun

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Camera flashes scream at him as security barely contains the horde of shrieking journalists. The protestors behind them making their voices heard.

He stares straight ahead. His lawyer responding for him.

…

The board room is how he remembers it, truth be told outside a little technological upgrading this sort of space hadn't changed in the last hundred years. The crowd of suits waiting for him look like they've never laughed a day in their lives.

"Mr. O'Gleeson, please sit."

Conner O'Gleeson fills the joyless air with a chuckle. Decades of television production had taught him well that confidence was how you dealt with these sorts of people.

"Gang, I'd love to stay but I'd like to make this quick, you're pulling me away from the afterparty of my first season of Total Drama."

"We aren't here to discuss Endless, that's finished." The Head Producer says sternly. "Now… thanks to you, we have to live with the consequences."

"I thought we talked about that as well?"

The Producer's expression tightens.

"We did. This isn't about that. It's about next season."

"Yeah? What about it?"

"The pitch you gave us… I'm afraid in light of recent events we're going to have to make a few changes."

…

A spotlight shines down on the walls of an old summer camp's main lodge. The photos of the casts of previous Total Drama seasons line the wall. Somewhere from the darkness, an unfamiliar voice begins speaking.

"Total Drama. At this point what's new to say about it? Way, way back in '07 the hottest reality show on television dropped its first season, it's been a long time, but we're still on top."

The light lingers on a new photo. One of a far more colourful cast than the unceasing parade of teen stereotypes before it.

"A couple months ago good old TD actually had itsfiftiethseason. To celebrate, we cracked open Pandora's Box and brought the full expanse of the multiverse to our audience."

At the end of the room sits a man, the source of this nostalgic speech. He sits there, his back to the wall.

"That season wasTotal Drama Endless, and Endless was a big departure for old TD. Lot of kind of risky moves let's be honest here. So much so it barely felt like the same show anymore. Which is lame because everyone knows Total Drama was already perfect."

The man chuckles before continuing.

"…So, the studio was brought in to make a few corrections, starting with fixing the most massive problem Endless dared to make…not having enough ME!"

The figure swivels around in their chair. The man's a mid-thirty-something. With wavy black hair, a five O'clock shadow and a teal cargo shirt over a white long-sleeve top.

Chris Mclean the long-time host of Total Drama flashes a million-dollar grin, his dark eyes filled with excitement.

"I'mbaaaacck!" He proclaims. "You miss me campers? Who am I kidding ofcourse you did! Let's be real Endless was a decent experiment but Total Drama just isn't Total Drama without yours truly."

He gestures to himself and rises to his feet.

"I've come out of retirement to set this show back on track. And with me at the helm again and now the wholemultiverseat my disposal there's an unending supply of poor helpless victims to torture and humiliate on national TV." He laughs joyously. "That's right! No more lame statue hunts, this season's all about thepain, and I know just the place to go for somewickedchallenges."

"Alright wait a minute!" Another man runs up to Chris, sounding annoyed.. He's tall, European descent and looks to be somewhere in his late thirties to early forties, there are a few token lines creased into his diamond-shaped face. His hair is a sandy orange colour and reaches down to his chin, which is scruffy with a goatee.

"Let's get something straight before this season kicks off…" Conner O'Gleeson, former host of Total Drama Endless and self-proclaimed God of Late Night Television says.

"…You didn't find diddly squat; this was my pitch. You're just the network addition that got slotted in last minute."

"Yeah, wonder why they did that?" Chris says in a strained tone. He turns to his audience.

"You probably remember Conner from last season. Unfortunately, he'll be sticking around this time as our cameraman."

"Co-host!"

"Whatever. Oh and also Conner's gross henchman Jerry is back."

"His name is Jeremy!"

From the back of the room, what looks to be a large pile of veiny bubble gum with beady eyes and a wide-mouth gurgles.

"Don't take it personally sugarbear. Rise above the hate!" Conner calls back to him.

Chris strolls over to a third man. A middle-aged burly African Canadian.

"Also returning this season, my own personal Jeremy, Chef Hatchet!"

"Don't compare me to the slime monster." Chef grumbles through gritted teeth.

"I hear he's a chef too aren't you Jeremy?"

Jeremy gurgles proudly. Chef gives him a dark look, then starts muttering to himself under his breath.

Chris turns back to the audience.

"Now you're probably wondering what the gimmick is this time around. After travelling around the multiverse last season, I thought it'd be nice if this time around we here at Total Drama return to our roots and settle in somewhere like we used to back at Wawanakwa."

He gestures to the lodge surrounding them.

"…Only we're not doing it at a camp. Chef? If you'd do the honours?"

Chef Hatchet grunts a pulls down on a rope.

The Lodge set collapses revealing their true surroundings. The four of them stand amongst sprawling gardens, behind them a little orange house with stucco walls and red shingles on its roof. Curiously all of this is perched, not on Earth, but a tiny asteroid that would seem claustrophobic to all but the Little Prince.

"This is the house of an interesting guy named Rodney. Yes, you're seeing it right, we are in space, don't ask how we're breathing, I'm told it's not worth worrying about."

The front door clicks open.

"Here's the man of the hour himself!" Chris announces.

From the house comes a dapper red squirrel in half-moon spectacles and a tweed jacket. He smiles serenely at his guests.

"Ah I see our show's ready to begin is it?"

"Just about Rod," Conner says.

"Yes, you're seeing that right," Chris insists, "Rodney is in fact a Squirrel, and if you think that's weird get ready, there's a whole lot more where that came from. Red Rod over here's got a house full of mysteries and me, the gang, and twenty-three new contestants are about to spend a season rooming with them."

"This!" Conner declares. "Is Total! Drama! Homespun!"

"Dude!" Chris snaps. "That was my line!"

"I was the one that came up with the name!" Conner protests.

The two men begin arguing. Jeremy gives a gurgling lament. Chef meanwhile sidelines the camera.

"Stayed tuned folks. This season's gonna be another messy one."

…

Chapter 2: Episode 1, Part 1: The Help and the Houseguests

Chapter Text

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In a solitary estate on an asteroid out in space, four men sit in a parlour, or five if you count Jeremy (Which you should) all sitting around a coffee table sipping tea.

"…Regardless of circ*mstance it's always good to see you Rod," Conner O'Gleeson says to the Master of the estate. The Squirrel smiles warmly.

"Likewise."

"Rodney's a good friend of mine," Conner explains to the audience. "He and some of his crazy neighbours seem odd I realize, but they're pretty sentimental to me."

"Who are- wait are we back!?" Chris says surprised. "Uh, Welcome back to Homespun everyone. Still getting used to Conner's camera work. As you can see during the break, we decided to be professional and bury the hatchet." He clears his throat and side eyes Conner. "Provided certain people know their place."

"Chris has twenty-three fresh faces from all corners of the Multiverse competing this season," Conner says. "…and he refuses to tell me anything about them. Chris, when should we be expecting these guys?"

"Probably after the interns get here," Chris says smiling. Conner laughs.

"McLean, trust me. I don't think we'll need interns for this one. Once you see more of this place you'll understand."

"Oh, I understand."

The doorbell rings.

Chris smirks. "But sheinsistedon helping this season…"

"She? She who?"

Conner opens the door and flinches in shock.

At once he recognizes the young blond woman standing at the doorstep, beaming ecstatically with herarms full ofluggage. Indeed, few people in his world wouldn't know her from a passing glance.

"Conner!"

She drops the luggage and bonds forward. The skirts of her bright pink ballgown trailing behind her as she wraps her arms around him, laughing merrily.

"Oh, it's so wonderfullygoodto see you again!"

Conner stammers unintelligibly for a moment. The language centre of his brain seems to have forgotten what its purpose was.

"Peach!" He blurts out after a moment. "I- You- Princess what are you doing here?"

"Mr. Mclean asked if I'd be so kind as to help with your new season." She says excitedly "You were all so kind to us last time I just couldn't refuse."

"Couldn't you?" Conner asks. He seems almost offended on her behalf.

Princess Peach giggles and shakes her head. "Last season was the best adventure I had ever had the pleasure of going on. Oh, it's wonderful to know me and my friends will have the chance to give a new cast the same experience with a cast."

"What friends have you brought my dear?" Rodney asks, walking over and shaking the Princess's gloved hand. "Are any of Conner's other old contestants making a reappearance?"

Peach laughs her high, happy laugh again and shakes her head.

"No sadly. I have some people coming with me this time from the Mushroom Kingdom. I missed my poor little subjects so terribly during Endless, and couldn't bear leaving my toads again. So just had to bring some of them along."

There's a slight rumbling, then all at once, everyone besides Peach is nearly swept away by a deluge of little creatures with mushroom shaped heads and squat little bodies. Dozens upon dozens come sprinting into the house, yiping and cheering in excitement in sandpaper like little voices. Some of them polite enough to give their hosts a horse "Hello" as they pass. When the horde's at last dispated Conner gets to his feet shakily.

"Peach? How many Toads did you bring?"

"All of them!" Peach cries jubilantly. "All nine hundred and ninety-nine of my dear little toads! I couldn't bear to leave anyone so I brought the whole Kingdom along!"

She claps her hands excitedly. Chris as well looks very happy to have received what (surely in his eyes) amounts to a private army.

"Tell me that's everyone?" Conner says dusting himself off.

There's another cry and he's flung to the floor again. Something very orange and very poufy has him pinned to the ground.

"HA! I got you good!"

Conner looks up to see a young princess with brown hair, tan skin and an orange gown grinning down at him.

"Gee you're a squirmy fella aren't you?"

"Daisy!" Peach cries easing the girl off Conner. "Really now? Is that any way for a princess to greet someone?"

"I already met him a bunch at the party last season!" The girl insists. "We're practically family by now."

Chris chuckles. "Peach, dude. Loving your friend's energy. Very Izzy."

The girl turns and beams at him.

"Hi I'm Daisy!" Princess Daisy shouts.

"Welcome aboard," Chris says offering his hand. Daisy takes it, shaking it almost violently.

A gust of stellar wind blows through the open door, drawing their attention. A third young woman appears, she bears a passing resemblance to Peach, her figure striking, statuesque platinum blonde, with a sweeping bang over one eye. She's dressed in a cyan gown and floating gracefully a few inches off the ground. She stares down at Chris and Rodney with her one exposed eye.

"May the Stars shine down upon you…"

"And this is Rosalina," Peach says.

"Hey there," Chris says.

Rosalina smiles serenely down at him

"It is a pleasure to make your acquittance."

"She and Daisy insisted on coming as well," Peach explains.

"We're here for our girl," Daisy says, throwing her arms around Peach affectionally.

"It is our deep and profound wish that hers and everyone else's quest will transpire much more peacefully this cycle," Rosalina says.

"I make no promises." Conner jokes. Rosalina turns sharply and all the warmth goes out of her expression in an instant. Conner swallows uncomfortably, fidgeting under her gaze.

"Far as I'm concerned the more people I get to boss around the better," Chris says contently. "Any more hot friends of yours coming?"

"Just us!" Daisy says.

"Awesome. In that case, we're about ready for Total Drama's newest batch of unlucky contestants."

Peach squeaks in delight.

"Oh, I can't wait to meet them! Will they be here soon?"

"Any second now!" Chris says checking his watch. "We gave each of them one of Conner's mobile transport thingys to get here, first one should be arriving right about now."

"Good," Conner says, returning to normal. "Let's see who you managed to scrounge up for this season,"

There's a flash of light and a new figure appears in the garden plaza in front of the house. Out of all the wild and fantastical contestants I multiverse gameshow can bring, this first one's very tame. He's human, white, male, about thirty-something years old with short reddish-orange hair. His clothing has a similar contemporary unremarkableness to it. Just a simple white T-shirt with a red jacket, and a pair of blue jeans and sneakers.

The man looks around with mild curiosity.

"Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for our first contestant of the season," Chris announces. "all the way from the 31st century!Philip J Fry!"

Fry walks up to the step still seemingly absorbed in thought.

"Mr Fry! Welcome to my dear abode," Rodney says.

"Hi…"

Fry says frowning and pulling a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket. "You're Rodney, right? Just want to check I've got the right asteroid."

"How many other houses do you think are out here?" Daisy demands. Fry rallies himself into something of a more serious look.

"Ma'am I've been a delivery boy for the past thousand years, maybe longer if you count the time travelling. If there's one thing I take seriously, it's the girl of my dreams Leela. But if there's two things I take seriously, it's Leela, and delivering packages. Except in this case, I'm the package, and I owe it to that talking squirrel to deliver myself, no matter the personal cost. It's just like the professor says-wait."

He stops rambling suddenly and squints at Peach. Then gasps.

"Hey, I know you! You're that princess in the Mario games that's always getting kidnapped."

Rosalina, Daisy and Conner's glances shift to Peach. The Princess smiles sweetly.

"Mr Fry I hear you're from the future?"

"Oh, I just live there…" Fry says seemingly forgetting his last question. "I'm from 20th century New York, then I got frozen I woke up in 31stNewNew York, with spaceships and hover cars and robot best friends." He peers past them into the house. "Oh that reminds me. Is Bender here? He's been bragging about being in this game lately."

"Different season in a different dimension," Conner says.

Fry looks disappointed.

"…But if you'd be so nice as to wait in the parlour, some wonderful new friends will be along for you to meet." Peach offers.

Fry scratches his chin. "I've already got friends though."

"There's free food in there too," Chef grins.

Fry brightens up immediately.

"Alright."

And he strolls past them into the house.

Peach beams.

"He seems nice."

"He wasn't bugging you with his little comments?" Daisy asks putting an arm around her friend. Peach shakes her head.

"No, it's quite alright Daisy dear."

"Okay but if you ever change your mind..." Daisy says, shaking her fist threateningly.

"Quite alright." Peach repeats, easing Daisy's arm down gently.

…

A few minutes pass before another contestant arrives so Conner suggests they go wait inside with Fry. They're just settling into the hallway when theirs a hard knock on the door.

"Open up! This is the Police!"

Chris opens up the door.

A white rabbit with beady little eyes is waiting for them on the doorstep. He's got himself a tiny suitcase, in one hand and a police badge thrust out at them in the other.

"Freelance police!" He clarifies. "I'm investigating a vicious homicide and your prize money's the murder weapon. I'm gonna have to confiscate it right away!"

Chris chuckles. "Nice tryMax!"

The rabbit shrugs. "It was worth a shot."

"Welcome to the show. Nice briefcase by the way. What's in there?"

"Just some odd personal ideas I don't go anywhere without. Contestant contract page 285, subsection 15 says we're entitled to some after all."

Chris looks impressed.

"Dude. I don't anyone's made it that far through the contract since Courtney's been a contestant. You must have a serious eye for paperwork."

"Gosh no," Max assures him. "I've got this horrible mental condition where I can't read more than ten pages of legal work without wanting to hurl myself out a window. But I got a partner back home that's real good with stuff like that."

"You must wish he was around."

"Yet even now I can still feel his presence judging me."

Something bangs from the inside of Max's luggage.

"Did your bag just move?" Chris asks. Max shrugs and smiles. Revelling a mouth full of pointed teeth.

"Mind your own damn business."

…

The next contestant rings the doorbell. Chris opens the door. There's a teenage boy standing there. Tall, square-faced and athletic. His brown hair done up in a mullet full of hairspray.

He peers over a pair of dark sunglasses.

"Steve Harrington!" Chris says. "Welcome to the Rodney house!"

"Hey, thanks um... I've got the right place right?"

"Uh… yeah dude? Don't know why everyone keeps asking that?"

"It's just your little note, invitation whatever it was said there'd be a talking squirrel."

"He's just helping my little toads get settled in, he'll be back soon," Peach insists.

"Cool. Excited about that, never seen a talking squirrel before. You guys sort of piqued my interest with that."

"Not used to the weird are you Steve?" Conner asks.

Steve scoffs. "Uh no actually I've got some practice with it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean…" He looks around conspiratorially. "I don't know how much I'm supposed to talk about this since it's all secret government stuff but back in my town, Hawkins, there has been some seriously. Weird.sh*t.These past couple years."

"Good because we get up some pretty weird sh*t ourselves," Conner says.

Steve unzips the backpack he's got on and retrieves a baseball bat spiked with nails.

"I think I can handle it."

He walks past them.

"Already this is easily, the nicest alternate dimension I've seen."

He pauses in thought for a moment.

"Forget I said anything about alternate dimensions."

"You're secret's quite safe with us," Peach assures him.

"Good," Steve says. He looks at her then points. "Hey, Princess Peach right? The kidnapped babe from the end of that new game Dustin was telling me about.?"

"Um... That's right." Peach says a little more hesitantly than last time. Steve smiles.

"That's kick-ass, I appreciate the eye candy."

"What's that mean!?" Daisy demands, an inch from his face, Steve retreats back.

"Uh nothing! Nothing… just gonna go ahead and get settled in now!"

"That's right keep moving bub!"

He scampers off into the parlour. Daisy catches the others looking at her.

"What?"

…

The next contestant doesn't knock or ring the doorbell. The front door simply swings open and she's standing there. It's a British schoolgirl, blonde, bespectacled and clad in her school uniform with a black beret, red shirt, black and yellow striped tie, green skirt, and black stockings.

"Hello! Name'sPenny Crayon! How are you!?" She cries in a thick Yorkshire accent.

"Penny. Nice of you to barge in." Chris says.

"No trouble." She says. "Didn't much see a point in knocking when I had my own key."

She proudly holds up an old-fashioned door key. There's something off about it, some kind of strange waxy texture.

Chris folds his arms confidently. "Let me guess? Magic Crayon?"

"Never leave the house without it love!" Penny says, tapping a drawing crayon wedged behind her ear. "Wouldn't have signed up if you hadn't let me take it. Course now since I've brought it 'figure I've got the best shot of winning, don't I?"

She laughs loudly and walks into the sitting room.

…

There's a polite knock on the door. Contestant number five is a dark-haired man in his mid-twenties, dressed unassumingly in a black coat, light sweater and a plain pair of brown pants.

"Wallace Wells,"Chris says. "Thank you for coming."

"Pleasures all mine," Wallace says, removing his coat and handing it to Chef (who promptly drops it on the floor)

"Not a bad place," He says looking around. "House like this would cost a fortune back in Toronto but here in space, I imagine you got the land cheap. Still seems small for this kind of show. How many people did you grab for thisReal Worldknockoff again? Almost thirty?"

"I assure you my good man, my house may feel crowded now, but it will seem quite roomy once we've gotten started," Rodney promises. "The Princess discovered the same thing for herself last season, didn't you my dear?"

He winks at Peach, who giggles.

Wallace's eyes flash to her.

"Ah, so you're the fabled Peach Toadstool then?"

Peach laughs slightly awkwardly.

"That would be me."

Wallace cups his hands over hers gently.

"Congratulations on your performance last season. Scott told me all about it."

"Oh…" The Princess says completely taken aback. "T-thank you." She pauses for consideration. "I don't to offend you but-"

"Scott's Ramona Flowers's boyfriend. She was one of your fellow competitors back in Endless."

Peach smiles.

"Yes, I remember her now. Are you a friend of hers Mr. Wells?"

"Causal acquaintance at best," Wallace admits. "But of course, we do have one thing in common. Sleeping with Scott Pilgrim."

The staff stare at him blankly.

"I was Scott's roommate for a while. That's the joke." Wallace clarifies. He snaps his finger and gestures to the group. "Not that I'm opposed to sleeping with men. Quite the contrary in fact. Cute multiversal boys are about 70% of the reason I'm here."

"Is that so dude? Because my ever-invasive pre-season-contestant-background-check said you were in a stable relationship." Chris says. Wallace smiles.

"Mobile and I both have come to an agreement that this is too good an opportunity to miss out on. Trade-off is he's allowed any pretty body he wants while I'm gone." He winks.

"Alright enough," Chris says. "Begone you! If this show gets any gayer they won't let us air it in Dubai."

…

There's a harsh knock and the door. Chris opens it to find a punk wanting for him on the other side. His white hair's long and wild at the top, short at the sides. He wears a black hoodie and sweatpants over a white t-shirt. The only splashes of colour on his outfit are a gold medallion over his chest and the yellow rims of the sunglasses perched on his forehead.

"All the way from the Alola region it'sGuzma!" Chris says.

The man at the door smirks.

"Aren't you a little old to be gym leader grandpa?"

Chris laughs sarcastically. "Do my ears deceive me or is someone already challenging their host?"

"You may think you're cozy in your position here in this out of the way region. But challenging the leader of Team Skull was your first and last mistake."

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure there's been…" Chris pauses. "Some kind of lapse in communication here."

Guzma laughs smugly.

"You cowering old man? Well, It's too late for that. Big bad Guzma's here!" He holds out a round palm-sized capsule, half red, half white.

"I hear you battle with a Skwovet." He says nodding to Rodney. "Pathetic! Get ready for battle so my Golisopod can teach it a thing or two."

Chris blinks.

"Ireallydon't think we're on the same page here dude."

"Thisisa Pokemon Tournament isn't it?" Guzma insists. He frowns. "Right?"

Chris laughs at the source of Guzma's confusion finally clicking with the host.

"Is that what you thought we were doing? Oh, no way dude. This here's Total Drama, meaning you're the one that'll be going through a bunch of violent challenges instead of your pet." He leans forward. "You up for that Big Bad Guzma?"

Guzma seems taken aback a moment, then folds his arms and grins confidently.

"You've got strange rules around here old man, but fine. Let's do it!"

…

The doorbell rings. Then it rings again. Then Several more times.

He opens it. There's a teenage girl waiting. Half white, half Japanese with her long straight hair dyed purple with pink highlights.

"Sorry." She says. "I was impatient."

"Miko Kubota!" Chris proclaims. "Dude thanks for coming."

"No thankyoufor the invite." She says excitedly, bouncing up and down on the top step. "The competition is gonna behype! Next level gaming what what?"

"You game in your spare time?" Chris asks her. Miko almost looks offended.

"I game all the time." She says seriously. "Video games are life or death to me. Seriously. I'd tell you more but… I'm uh… not supposed to say anything about it." She grins innocently.

"That's what Steve said," Peach says brightly. "Are you a friend of his?"

"Who's Steve?" Miko asks.

"I'm surprised you don't know these lovely ladies," Chris says gesturing to Peach and her friends.

Miko looks deeply confused. "Uh… Should I?"

"Yeah, dude. They're from a video game. Pretty popular one too. Figured a gamer girl like yourself would no that."

Miko stares at Peach. "Did you say they're from a game? As in they came out of a video game?"

"I mean… you know? Not exactly sure about the specifics but-"

"GLITCH!"

Miko grabs something from her bag and shoves it on her wrist. It's an electronic gauntlet of some kind. She points it at Peach threateningly. At once Daisy and Rosalina step between them.

"You got a problem!?" Daisy challenges.

"Bet you glitches thought you were home free didn't you?" Miko laughs. "Didn't expect a top-level Hinobi Glitch Tech to show up huh? Big mistake!" She co*cks her gauntlet. "Prepare to be captured."

Chris laughs.

"Alright, Miko that's enough. I'll thank you not to put my interns in peril. That's my job."

The girls give him a look. Miko looks confused.

"But they're-"

"Uh no. They're not. Situations a little weird with the whole multiverse thing but bottom-line things don't work like they do in your world."

"Oooooh," Miko says slowly. She laughs sheepishly. "Then this is kind of embarrassing. Good thing you'll never remember it."

She flashes them all with a blinding light. Chris, Daisy and Peach are left blinking in confusion.

"…What were we talking about?" Chris asks.

"You were just telling me where the lobby was."

"Uh, it's just back through here," Chris says uncertainly.

"Great."

Miko walks off humming. Chris scratches his head.

"That was a short intro."

"She wiped your memory," Conner says.

"Oh," Chris says. "I'll have to watch out for that in the future."

"You know Chris you're surprising me a little here." Conner chuckles. "This has been a pretty good cast so far."

Chris raises an eyebrow.

"Uh… Yeah, I know. I picked them. What did you expect?"

"Something a lot more dangerous and reckless…"

A bolt of lightning inexplicably flashes through the dark void of space. A man in a wide-brimmed hat and red overcoat has materialized. He stands stock still, darkly grinning at them, two sets of sharp fangs on display.

"What a perfect night…"

"…You know, like a vampire," Conner says causally.

"Alucard!" Chris shouts ecstatically. "Totally stoked you make it dude! Thanks for signing up!"

"It's true normally I'm kept terribly busy," Alucard says walking slowly over the door and adjusting the cuffs of his white gloves.

"Fortunately, the filth and vermin of the world have been unusually quiet as of late. So the Hellsing Organization granted me some time off."

Chris nods "No better way to spend a vacation than a season of Total Drama."

"I'm sure it will be most peaceful," Alucard says. Causally drawing a heavy pistol from beneath his coat and staring down at the staff through a pair of opaque golden goggles. "If any loathsome worm is foolish enough to challenge our tournament then god have mercy on their worthless souls."

"Good to know you're looking out for us dude," Chris says.

Alucard walks past them into the sitting room. Conner gives Chris a look.

"So uh... Anime Count Dracula huh? That'll be something. Think you can keep him out of trouble?"

"Better than you could with your cast," Chris says slyly. Conner goes slightly pink behind the ears.

"What's wrong with my cast? My cast was perfect!" He insists. "Twenty-Seven of them and not a dull one in the bunch!"

There's another knock on the door. Chris opens it.

A familiar turquoise-haired mermaid is beaming at them innocently. Her oversized fishbowl perched on the front porch.

"Hiya! How you boys doing?"

"Uh, what's with the mermaid?" Chris asks.

"I'm Perky!" Perky exclaims perkily. "I'm here for the new season of your show. Mama's going all the way this year."

"Not ringing a bell."

"Chris tell me you didn't bring her back as a contestant?" Conner asks annoyed. Chris looks confessed.

"I thought she was with you."

Both men turn to Rodney. The squirrel shrugs.

"She's the henchwoman of an old associate of mine from Endless," Conner says disapprovingly. "…One I've made clear to that we're not working with this season. So it's anyone's guess what his little stooge is doing here?"

Perky's smile widens. Chris gives her a suspicious look.

"So let me get this straight. Just because you were on Conner's subpar season, you think you can just show up for mine uninvited and without auditioning?"

"I barely got to play last time!" Perky pouts. "My bowl broke first episode and they kicked me off. But it's okay! I got a new bowl, made of plastic this time! And look! I got a little castle now, and some new sand and-"

"Did Yerdey put you up to this?" Conner asks flatly.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Yerdey you mean the squid guy? Pfft get out of here." Perky insists. "We like never even hang out anymore, it's crazy."

One of the hedges in Rodney's garden rustles prompting Chris and Conner's gaze.

"Ignore the Squid in the bush." Come a muffled voice from foliage.

Perky giggles nervously. Chris gives her an annoyed look.

"Look Honey, I'll be real with you. This is my show, I'm the one that decides who plays, not you. However, I do like your guts in showing up here."

Perky brightens up.

"Really."

"No."

Chris slams the door on here.

"Yeah. Real great cast you had last season O'Gleeson."

Conner groans and rubs his hands down his face.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come back."

…

Soon after Rodney suggests Conner take a break from greeting to go help Chef Hatchet with the toads. The three ladies go with him.

The next contestant to show up is a pretty light-haired almost Japanese-looking young Brit in a detective's cloak and hat.

"Herlock Scholmes. At your command!" He says enthusiastically. Shaking both their hands.

"Don't you mean Sherlock Holmes sir?" Rodney asks. The detective scoffs.

"My dear professor! If I wasn't your humble guest I'd take terrible umbrage with that remark. However, I shall put it behind me for the shake of our blossoming professional relationship. For I promise to be the utmost professional on this case!"

"We don't have a case, we've got a competition," Chris says.

"Yes, it's a devilish brilliant maneuver you've made gentlemen, brilliantly devilish indeed." Herlock Scholmes says excitedly. "Invite a gathering of colourful characters to your estate they have the greatest detective in Britain on hand when things invariably go afoul! I applaud the foresight gentlemen! Why wait for the crime to occur before starting the detective work?!"

He walks off rambling into the lounge. Rodney turns to Chris.

"Is his name really Herlock Sholmes?"

Chris chuckles. "No idea dude. But ten bucks says he's going to be alotof fun."

…

The next person to ring the door is a middle-aged man. Fat, bespectacled and dressed in a white button-down shirt and green pants.

"Hey, how's it going?" He asks in a nasally Rhode Island accent. "The name's Peter Griffin, from Quahog. I got your uh invite here."

"Hey…second person I didn't invite," Chris says uncertainly. "The invite was forMegGriffin."

"Yeah, I know don't worry, I caught that it was printed with the wrong name. I forgive you. Now let's get this party started shall we?"

"I know what it said." Chris clarifies "It was meant for your daughter."

"Alright then. Sheesh, you don't have to spell it out. I'm too old for your show." Peter says annoyed. He whistles. A teenage boy in a blue shirt, blonde hair and a similar weight to Peter waddles over.

"I'd like to introduce you to my son. His name's also Chris. Chris is a uh… well he's…" Peter struggles for a moment. "…Yeah he's um… Chris, did we ever figure out if there's anything interesting about you?"

"Dad I'm not comfortable taking Meg's place." Moans the teenager.

"Don't worry you're not," Chris assured the teen, giving his father a dark look. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the mermaid. This show's back in my hands, so no one gets to say who competes but I do, and I say I'm not accepting anyone but your daughter. Capisce?"

Peter sighs.

"I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this."

He covers his eyes and holds out his arm. In the open palm of his chubby hand is a polaroid of an average-looking teenage girl with chin-length brown hair and round glasses.

"You see this? That's my daughter. Look at her she's hideous. People don't want to see that. They want to see nice-looking people. Here look."

He pulls out a photo of a red-haired woman.

"This is my wife Lois. She's got a face made for TV. Put her on instead."

Chris raises an eyebrow. "I'm barely seeing a difference dude."

Peter Griffin recoils in disgust.

"Yeah alright… Alright buster! That tears it! you just earned yourself aMeg!"

He scammers off the stage then suddenly Chris and Rodney are forced to duck. The teenage girl from the photo suddenly soared towards them. She flies over them and lands in a heap in the hallway.

"Goodness!" Rodney says. "Is that any way to treat your children?"

"Yeah go ahead and enjoy that dumpster fire asshats! She's your problem now. Bye Meg sweetie! Have a good time at summer camp. Run Chris!"

"But dad-"

"Quick! Before she follows us!"

The two New Englanders scamper away.

The girl gets to her feet quietly.

"I must say my dear I'm very glad to see you out of that household and into my own," Rodney says with a note of concern.

"Thanks for having me! I'm super, super thrilled to be here." Meg says dissonantly happy and eyeing Chris hopefully. "People get rich and famous on this show don't they?"

"Sometimes," Chris says. "You my little Meg are going to fit in well. Anyone who can take that much torture has a promising shot at the money. Also, I like the look, very Beth from the original cast. Always nice to have girls like that."

"Was Beth one of the pretty ones?"

"Yeah… Sure. Why don't you go wait in the sitting room with the other contestants?" Chris suggests.

…

Conner and Chef return in time to greet another father and their daughter, though they couldn't have been further removed from the Griffins if they had tried.

"Mr. McLean and Mr. Squirrel," Announces an old man in worn 18th century attire. "Some pleasure I suppose to make your acquittance."

He gestures to the girl next to him. A modestly pretty brunette in her late teens. Dressed as nicely as a middle-class family in the Regency Era could hope to afford.

"I present as requested, my second eldest, my DearElizabeth, to stay with you on visit, as per your invitation."

"Mr. and Miss Bennet," Chris says bowing low. Besides him, Rodney's socially conscious enough to follow suit. "My name is Chris Mclean and I'll be your Master of Ceremonies, to my right is Doctor Rodney Squirrel, he is the lord of this estate. I'm honoured you've accepted the invitation we extended to your daughter."

"Yes, likewise…" Says the Mr. Bennet, regarding his surroundings with mild interest. "Do take care of my Elizabeth while you have you, won't you? I have in my possession four other daughters but I'm rather fond of this one. She has more of a quickness to her than my other girls don't you Elizabeth?"

His daughter gave a thin, almost mischievous grin.

"With due regard Father, you have no reason to disservice my sisters. Not even Lydia." Scorns the Younger Bennet playfully.

"I assure you Mr. Bennet that…" Chris pauses. "Hang on." He pulls out a tiny yellow guidebook by the titleRegency Formalities for Dummiesfrom his pocket and flips through it.

"Alright. As I was saying, I assure you that your daughter will be kept in civilized company, be treated with the respectable etiquette befitting an eligible woman of her background, and will be returned safely to her father's household once the ceremonies have concluded. Perhaps even with a great deal of fortune and prestige for her household's patriarch, depending on how well she conducts herself."

That last bit seemed to catch Mr. Bennet's ear. "In such case, she will conduct herself in a manner far exceeding her usual pedigree won't you Elizabeth?"

"Yes, I suppose I must have to." His daughter says with a slight air of humour.

Mr. Bennet takes his leave. Chris ushers his daughter into the house and drops the proper gentlemen act and turns to Elizabeth.

"So FYI everyone here's a freak in some capacity," Chris tells her bluntly. "So you're gonna have to get really used to peoplereallymessing with your stuffy 1800s sensibilities really quick or you won't last long."

"Best get used to roughing it with people you don't normally rub elbows with." Chef warns her, "…And you might want to wear something a little more practical."

The little smile on Elizabeth's face has disappeared and she looks from one man to the next, suddenly seeming very out of place in her formal evening gown and her hair done up.

"I see…" She says looking both apprehensive but also to some extent intrigued. "Already you make your unorthodox constitutions apparent. Are… all your guests besides myselfyoursort of company?"

"Yeah, think you can handle that, Dear Elizabeth?" Chris asks.

The ghost of Elizabeth's smile returns.

"You may be surprised." She promises them, before retiring to the parlour.

"The lead ofPride and Prejudice,"Conner says smiling to himself. "You know, not someone I'd thought you pick McLean."

"Blame Chef, it's one of his favourites." Chris teases. Chef nods solemnly.

"That Jane Austen had a way with words."
…

There's a harsh knock, followed by several more.

Chris opens the door. There's a beat cop standing there clad in his blue uniform. He's of African descent, presumably American judging by the accent, and bald with pronounced black eyebrows and a chevron moustache. Over all the man bares a passive resemblance to a young Samuel L Jackson.

"About time." The cop says (His voice even closer to the actor than his appearance) "Thought I was gonna have to bust down that door."

He chuckles.

"Just a little police humour for ya'll."

"OfficerFrank Tenpenny." Chris says. "Nice of you to come."

"Oh, I assure you I'm delighted to be here," Tenpenny says. He walks past them into the house before being formally invited. He looks around, whistling sharply.

"Fine place you got here. This yours or your little squirrel friends?"

"Mine," Rodney says. "I humbly welcome you to my home."

"Like I said De-lightedto be here," Tenpenny says.

"So, Officer. We don't get a lot of cops playing Total Drama. Think you've got what it takes?" Chris asks.

"Depends. Your flyer said this was a social game?"

"Most sociable game around."

Tenpenny smirks.

"sh*t. I'm the most sociable guy in Los Santos! Sounds like I'll get along just fine."

…

The next knock after Tenpenny comes very softly.

"Was that someone at the door?" Rodney asks.

Chris shrugs.

He opens the door.

There's no one there.

"Hello?" Chris calls out.

"Hello."

"Who said that?"

"Look down," Conner instructs.

Chris looks down and yelps.

There's a living ragdoll peering up at him from the welcome mat, staring at him with glass eyes. She only goes up to his knees, her hair's made of red yarn and her dress is blue with red polka dots.

"Oh, I didn't frighten you did I?" The doll asks askes bashfully.

"Raggedy Ann!" Chris gasps. "You're looking… well."

She blushes. "Thank you. I had all my loose seams stitched up for the big show."

"Great! Great. Rodney, why don't you show her to the sitting room?"

Rodney chuckles.

"Is that really all the introduction we're going to give miss-"

"Now Rodney!"

"…Very well."

He takes Raggedy Ann's hand and shows her inside. The little doll hops along at an uneven waddle. Her little legs filled with cotton.

Conner laughs. "What a little cutie she was?"

Chris shivers.

"What?" Conner asks.

"I'm just not a fan of talking dolls."

"Didn't you invite her?"

"Yeah but… she didn't look so freaky in her picture." He shutters. "I think it's the eyes."

"Day one and you're already scared of your own cast."

"Am not!"

He turns around to close the door.

Another girl's staring him in the face.

"GAH!"

"Hello!" Chirps the new contestant.

Chris falls backwards. The new girl stares down, inspecting him. She's an odd sight, dressed like a mechanic with steel-toed boots and thick gloves. Her lilac hair cascades down in two ankle-length pigtails that curiously enough seem prehensile. One of them forms a hand and retrieves a tape recorder from one of her many pockets.

"Rodney House: Log 1: Day 1: Hour 1: Just arrived in the Space Kingdom, using teleporter provided by sender. Estate is deeply impressive; I must learn the secrets of the technology that makes it function. Only one local so far, the doorman. Seems skittish, don't know why. No sign of any local princesses."

"They're on their way," Chris says angrily, dusting himself off.

"How Lovely. Say, do you happen to work for Rodney Squirrel? I want to meet the creator of this place."

Chris snorts indignantly. "Also on his way. Seems like the second he disappears people start asking about him."

"Hence my hasty return," Rodney says emerging from the sitting room. "Ah, I see we have a new guest."

The girl shoves Chris out of the way in a rush to shake Rodney's hand. "Name'sEntrapta!"

"Rodney. Charmed to meet another inventor."

"So it's true then?" Entrapta asks. "This house is powered by technology, not magic?"

"It's complicated dear. But I assure you come with me and you'll shortly see what it's truly capable of."

Entrapta giggles ecstatically like a teenage girl watching a boy band on stage, she and Rodney walk off into the sitting room.

Chris watches them go and then glares at Conner who's chuckling softly.

"Don't you want to go away again or something?"

"This whole multiverse thing's harder than it looks isn't it?" Conner chortles.

"Everything's fine dude."

The doorbell rings.

"Allow me." Conner insists.

He opens the door. There's a teenage boy in a blue and white school uniform. He has a prominent scar over his right eye.

"Took you gentlemen long enough."

"Gary Smith!" Chris says. "Welcome to the show."

"We're so glad you could make it. How the hell are you, ya beautiful angel?! How was your trip?" Conner adds, mimicking Chris's tone. Chris gives him a warning look.

"Very quick. Almost too much so." Gary says. "That coupled with the talking rat I see before me…" He gestures at Rodney who's just returned. "Leads me to believe that instead of the money you promised to give me. You've jacked me up on drugs. Which, as I told the last group of stuck-up assholes that tried to feed me meds, is a very poor play."

"Seeing really is believing around here Gary," Chris assures him. "I understand this is kind of a 'High concept' season. But If you think this is bad, you're in for a rough time when you see your fellow contestants."

"What are they? A bunch of mutant freaks? Or perhaps the usual attention-desperate social rejects you normally see on these garbage TV shows."

"Little of both."

The boy sneers.

"God what a crockpot. I'm almost gonna feel bad dominating whatever worthlessly cast you stuck me with."

"SCRAWK!"

Something very tall and very muscularly has materialized behind Gary. The boy turns around.

Standing behind him on a doorstep is a slightly terrifying amalgamation of human and avian. Over two metres tall, the creature has the head of a vulture and a vaguely human body, taught with muscle and entirely bald save for a patch of short brown feathers around his collar and shoulders. Its limbs are elongated and end in sharp claws, its waist is wrapped in a blue skirt. Its two giant wings folded behind its back.

"IVulturemanhave arrived!" Thunders the beast.

"Vultureman!" Chris cries excitedly. "Dude! I am so stoked so have you, dude!"

"That is natural!" Vultureman squawks.

"Tell me," Chris says. "The bio I got back on you was sort of confusing. It said you were either a member of a gang of mutants from the planet Plun-Darr or the Prefect of the floating city of Avista."

"Correct!"

"No, I mean which one are you dude?"

"CORRECT!" Shrieks Vultureman.

"I'm sensing another Guzma style disconnect here," Chris says. "Gary you want to add anything here?"

He gives a humoured glance over to the schoolboy. One can almost see the teen's sense of reality shattering irreparably. He stands frozen in place for a moment, the synapsis in his brain having shut down in the face of this critical error, now frantically searching for any scraps of recognizable logic lying about. Finding none, Gary Smith reanimates and seems to default to his normal programming.

"My, my I am impressed." He relents. "You three must have paid a fortune for a spring turkey this big. Or maybe not considering it looks like it's gone bad."

Vultureman's head gives a very avian spasm and he jerks it down towards Gary. Staring down a long sharp beak at the boy."

"Awk! What did you sayboy?"

"Careful now. Let's not fight here, it'll offend our host."

Vultureman tenses up. Chris looks nervous.

"You know on second thought, maybe I should offer to help Peach with the toads," Conner says.

…

Further down Rodney's impossibly long front hallway, Princess Peach steps out of a doorway and lets out a sigh of satisfaction. All many hundreds of her beloved toads were settling in nicely now.

She allows herself a moment's pause to take in her surroundings. She had last walked these halls near the start of last season. Not that long ago truthfully, but it felt now like a lifetime ago.

The sound of footsteps alerts her to Conner, walking down the hallway towards her and chuckling to himself.

"Oh, Conner Hello again."

"Princess…"

The humour in his eyes seems to disappear when he sees her.

"…Um how are the toads?"

"They're settling in very nicely." She smiles. "I didn't get to say so earlier but I'm I must say I'm so excited to be working with you this season Conner. It will be such a threat to be part of your production.

Conner smiles somewhat hesitantly. "Peachy I'm flattered but… just… checking, you know you're not under contract, right? I mean no one's forcing you to be here. You can change your mind at any point and no one we'll hold it against you. Any point you want to go home we'll make do without you."

"That's very kind of you Conner, but I'm very happy to be here." Peach insists.

"Of your own choice?"

"Not unless there's someone else in my head making decisions for me," Peach laughs.

Conner looks at her very strangely. Then abruptly he walks forward and nudges her chin up, taps the side of her head, circles around her, then withdraws again and stares at her, apparently unsatisfied with whatever search he's just conducted on her.

"I see…" He says cryptically. "Well um… I'm happy to have you Peach. It'll be nice to have a friendly face around. I'm sure you've heard but Chris McLean's seasons can get rather intense."

"SCRAW!"

Vultureman's cry comes echoing in the distance. Peach looks at Conner quizzically.

"What was that?"

"New arrivals," Conner says causally. "I think one's taken the other hostage or something."

…

The Two emerge from the front door.

"Oh my, to find the situations escalated considerably. Vultureman now thrashing wildly around Rodney's immaculate front garden. Chef Hatchet has made another appearance. His burly form weighed on the beast's back. Reaching vainly for Gary Smith, trapped firmly within Vultureman's talons.

"My stars! What's happened."

"Don't worry Chris assures me he's got it all under control." Conner smirks.

No sooner as she's taken all this in Peach is ready to help resolve this conflict herself something happens that makes her pause. A voice, quiet, feminine and regal rings out somewhere to her left.

"What are they doing to that Rito?"

The Princess turns and finds herself quite taken aback. A girl is staring at her inquisitively. She's young, late teens perhaps, her hair cut chin length is near to the same golden blonde colour as Peach's. She wears a travelling outfit, a green cloak and a blue tunic woven carefully with intricate gold details, the most prominent of which being a triangular symbol over her heart. Clearly, it's of some importance as it repeats several times on her outfit.

"Are these the sort of games your chief promised? If so, I don't have any interest in them."

"Oh no!" Peach says, coming out of her momentary unreadiness. "This must be a misunderstanding."

"Are you involved in this?" The girl demands.

"No!... Well not quite. I just-"

The girl looks at her inquisitively. Then a sense of recognition dawns in her sea-green eyes and she seems to reassess Peach.

"You're a princess." She breaths. It's not a question. Indeed something about the way the girl carries herself also suggests royalty.

Before either of them gets another word in they're distracted by Conner's laughter.

"So… He gotyoudid he?" He asks the teen. "Probably thought he was being clever? Oh, I'll get him forthis."

"I don't understand," Peach says.

"Out of the way ladies!" Chris shouts, pushing past them, seemingly oblivious to the fact he has a new contestant.

He rushes up to Vultureman.

"Vultureman! Dude! You see what I got?!"

He throws down a bag of birdseed.

"See that!? And there's a lot more for you dude if you let the future criminal go!"

Vultureman cackles.

"Am I supposed to take your pitiful bargain seriously?"

"THATWAS THE BIG PLAN YOU WERE ALL PROUD ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO!?" Chef thunders as Vultureman tries to shake him loose.

"Shut up! It sounded way better in my head." Chris pouts.

"Now what do you propose?" Rodney asks.

"Don't know dude? You got like a garden hose?"

"WHAT'S A HOSE SUPPOSED TO DO AGAINST THE MONSTER!?" Gary bellows

"Well, I suppose I've tried far stranger things," Rodney says with a shrug.

He walks over to his hose and turns in on full. A jet of water douses the great bird.

"Awk! If you think the great and powerfulVULTUREMANwill bend to such a pathetic attack you've got another thing coming!"

"Can't you make that thing shoot fire or something?" Chris demands.

"Well, Icouldbut it'd ruin my Hyacinths."

Vultureman cackles then go silent, they all do.

Something's happened to the water, it flows out of Rodney's garden hose upwards where it collects into a dancing band above Vultureman's head. The beast watches it, craning his head curiously at the puzzling sight. Then without warning the band dives for him, forming a ring and coiling around his legs, binding them together. The beast caws in alarm as the water freezes suddenly, causing him to tumble over and release his hostage.

As Vultureman's hulking figure is knocked over, the others can see another teenage girl walking towards them and stretching. Hair and skin dark, her dress and eyes deep blue.

"Katara!" Chris shouts happily. "Perfect timing!"

"Thanks. Sorry, I missed most of the action." The girl says brightly.

"Don't sweat it. Thanks for the save there. I'm sure Chef appreciated it."

Chef gives them both a sour look then dusts himself off and shuffles away, muttering darkly about wondering why he came back.

Katara looks humble.

"Always happy to help." She gives Vultureman another look. "But if you have a problem with spirits like that guy then I think it's gonna be a busy couple of weeks."

"That's not a spirit." The other new girl says walking over with Peach. "That poor individual seems to be a Rito. They're avian descendants of the Zora."

Katara looks confused. "I thought it was spirit?"

"No, this one seems quite alive."

"Actually ladies, you're both wrong," Chris says happily. "Vultureman's a mutant from Third Earth, kind of potentially, maybe. Ask him about it later. Also don't worry, this won't happen again. Not unless Gary decided to be an idiot again."

"He attacked me!" Gary snaps defensively.

"You deserved it, dude!" Chris calls. "Also!" He turns to Peach's new companion. "Princess Zelda!Nice to see you! When'd you get here?"

"Not long ago." The girl says.

"Great well. You know I'd love to chat but this episode's starting to run long and we've still got a couple more houseguests coming. So why don't the four of you newbies follow Rodney."

"Sure thing," Katara says freeing Vultureman. Both he and Gary grumble.

Zelda nods to Peach.

"I must be going."

"Well, it was very nice to meet you," Peach says.

"Yes. I… Oh, I'm afraid we've yet to be properly introduced."

Peach laughs. "So we haven't."

She curtseys.

"I am Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom."

The girl bows.

"Zelda, Once and future Princess of Hyrule."

…

With Chef and Conner's aid, the contestants get settled in, Soon it's just Peach and Chris standing in the front hall. The princess sees him smirking at her from the corner of her eye.

"Is everything alright?" She asks tentatively.

"All good," Chris says.

There's a moment of silence, then he speaks up again.

"So … You and Zelda seem to get along. Don't you?"

"Yes. She seems like a lovely young Princess." Peach agrees, not quite certain what point he was trying to make. Chris nods, seemingly satisfied.

"Good… good."

The doorbell rings. Chris opens the door.

There's a boy on the doorstep clutching his backpack. His dark hair short and tidy. He pushes a pair of red-rimmed glasses up to the bridge of his nose and looks at the two grown-ups in wonder. He can't be any older than ten.

"Oh, man." He breathed.

"Jack Smith!" Chris said. "No relation to Gary Smith by the way audience. Good to see you little dude. Safe travels?"

"What? Oh yes. I guess so." Jack said distractedly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Jack says quickly. "Thank you for having me, It was very kind of you to have me."

The boy fidgets.

Peach smiles gently. "Jack you can tell us if you're upset about something."

Jack sighs.

"I guess It just feels strange to go on an adventure without my sister, Annie."

"You do a lot together?" Peach asks sympathetically.

"We go everywhere," Jack says. "Elizabethan England, The time of Dinosaurs, the Arctic, Egypt, Pirate times…"

"Nice to know you've got some serious expert under your belt kid," Chris says. "Just don't count on being prepared for this game. Whatever you've seen or been through…" He laughs. This will be totally worse."

Jack takes a deep breath.

"Oh, man." He whispers again.

…

Someone bangs on the front door loudly.

Chris opens it. A young woman is standing there. Waist-length black hair, black lipstick and piercing green eyes. She wears a green and black jumpsuit.

"Shego!" Chris says.

"The money." The newcomer says bluntly. "Hand it over."

"And that's now two contestants that have tried that."

She grabs Chris by the collar and raises a fist. Ominous green energy glows from her closed hand.

"Now." She growls.

Peach clears her throat.

"Excuse me, but that's not a very nice thing to do your host."

Shego gets a quick eyeful of Peach.

"Ugh! What's with all the pink? Shouldn't you be off making goo-goo eyes at Prince Charming or something?"

"If you have a problem with Mr Mclean I'm sure you can resolve it peacefully."

"Take a hike princess! I'm about to make the fastest million in this show's history."

Peach sighs.

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this."

She claps her hands. There's a faint rumbling before all at once a hundred toads materialize and tackle Shego. The villainess lets out a startled cry before they swarm her and pin her to the ground.

Peach shakes her head in disapproval. "And they had just settled in for their nap."

Chris dusts himself off and strolls over to Shego, smirking down at her.

"Well, that was exciting. Congratulations Shego for being the second contestant to attack someone before they made it in the door. That's kind of impressive. Anyway, let me clear up some stuff up 'cause it seems you're a little confused here. You signed my contract, meaning you're one of the latest victims of by gameshow, meaning if you want the money you're gonna have to win it fair and square. Otherwise, I can get this little army here to hogtie you and leave in the cargo bay of Conner's ship. Where I'm sure he'll be kind enough to take your loser butt by to Loserville. What do you think?"

Shego scowls. "I think I hate you."

Chris beams. "Great! That was what forty seconds? Think you broke a record."

Shego groans as the Toads carry her away.

"Man, I am loving having those Toads around." Chris muses to Peach. "You got a good thing going, princess."

"Thank you."

"Those little guys are tougher than they look. I'm surprised Bowser's ever able to give you such a hard time."

Peach winces.

"I don't think we need to discuss that."
…

A new contestant rings the doorbell. As soon as the door's open she steps into the house, hands cupped and neck craned.

"Wow. Just look at this place."

She's a scientist, or a least, her lab coat suggests she is. She seems to be in her mid-thirties, with bushy black hair bound back in a scrunchie and white octogen-rimmed glasses.

"I mean really, first of all, interior décor is on point, secondly the asteroid base with a breathable atmosphere, the spatial anomalies, the stabilization of extradimensional particles, the…"

She throws up her hands and sets them back down again, evidentially there's too much to say.

"I mean you promised alotin that flyer, But I must say, you don't disappoint Mr Squirrel."

"Uh… I'm not Rodney I'm Chris Mclean." Chris says.

The newcomer laughs silently.

"Of course, I should have recognized you by the toupee."

"It's not a toupee." Chris retorts a little insecurely.

The new contestant looks around keenly. "Where is Rodney? I'd like to meet him?"

"Uh yeah he's around but-"

"Right. Where are my manners."

She extends her arm.

"Doctor Olivia Octavius.Theoretical Physicist. I've written multiple papers on countless interpretations of the multiverse hypothesis but…"

She looks around again.

"None of it compares to field work." She breathes.

"You're probably pretty excited to be here then." Chris laughs. Olivia looks at him intensely.

"Veryexcited."

…

Someone politely raps the door with their knuckles. Chris opens it and at once his face lights up. He's had a showman like excitement for everyone today but now Chris looks positively giddy.

The new arrival's a friendly enough-looking man in a large brown suit jacket and yellow dress shirt. His black hair combed neatly.

"I'm here for the competition." He says. His tone is amicable but formal.

"Almost last but totally not least, our special guest this seasonBruce Wayne!" Chris practically shouts, seizing the man's hand and shaking it as violently as Daisy had shaken his earlier.

"Thank you. That's very kind." Bruce says with mild stiffness. He goes to shake Peach's hand as well, partly to be polite and partly to escape Chris.

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you as well. Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Bruce Wayne…" He pauses then adds. "…Of Gotham City."

The princess gasps.

"I've been to Gotham!"

"Have you?" Bruce asks surprised.

"Yes, we were there last season for a challenge. Did you hear about it?"

"I... um… can't say I did," Bruce says slightly confused. "Must have skipped the paper that morning."

"Bruce Wayne!"

The three of them look up. Conner's striding towards them, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"You old dog you! We meet again!"

"Have we met?" Bruce asks sounding genuinely perplexed. Though even as he's asking the question his eyes have come alive with alarm.

Conner chuckles.

"Trying to keep up public appearances I see. That's alright I be insulted if you didn't." He puts an arm around Peach. "You remember Her Royal Peachiness, don't you? Great contestant of mine back in Endless."

"Conner, what are you talking about?" Peach asks curiously.

"Dude quit messing with Ba- Bruce Wayne." Chris snaps.

"Chris I bet you're pretty how would you say it? Stoked to have this guy aren't you?"

"I may or may not have been fantasying about going on adventures with this guy since I was like four," Chris states matter-of-factly. "Which is why I'd thank you not to scare him off my flippin' show!" He turns back to Bruce. "Sorry about Conner. He's something of a menace to society."

"It's fine I hear we have plenty of those back in Gotham," Bruce says. He picks up his suitcase. "If it's all the same to you I think go get settled in now."

He walks off to the sitting room rather briskly.

Conner shakes his head.

"You really went out and bagged yourself a bat."

"The greatest superhero of all time as a contestant under the greatest host of all time," Chris says proudly. "And I'm serious dude! You scare off my Batman I swear I'll get you banned from this show for life."

The doorbell rings once more.

Chris opens the door.

The final contestant is an adult woman, dressed in a tank top, grey pants, and heavy boots. Her long purple hair is tied back in a ponytail. However, The most pressing aspect of her appearance though seemed to be the top half of her face, most of which is taken up by a single massive eye.

"Hello. I'm here for the competition."

Chris squealed in alarm. The woman sighs.

"It's the eye isn't it?"

"Of course not!" Chris says quickly. "It's just so much more…noticeable in person."

"I get that a lot." She says flatly.

"Anyway. UhTuranga Leela! Welcome to the show."

"Thanks. It's nice to be here. I'm looking forward to getting away from my co-workers for a while." She says politely, tossing the bag she brought to Conner.

"Corporate wage slaves back home getting you down?" He asks.

"No there'd sweet people, just… let's be nice and call them emotionally taxing. A girl's got to get away from it all once and a while."

The thud of heavy footsteps approaching rings out before the door to the sitting room is thrown open. Fry's just emerged, eyes bulging.

"Leela!?"

The newcomer sighs again.

"Oh lord."

"Leela!" Fry exclaims jubilantly, rushing forward and bonding over to hug her. She pushes him away.

"Fry, enough. I told you I'm not ready for public displays of affection."

"What are you doing here!?"

"I signed up months ago." She gives him a look of disproval. "What about you? You didn't join this thing just because I was going to be here did you?"

Fry shakes his head.

"No! I thought Bender was gonna be here. Also, a magical talking squirrel! But it doesn't matter! Now you're here! Which means we'll win for sure!"

He spins in place and turns to Chris, Conner and Peach, positively overflowing with boyish glee.

"Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Leela's here! Remember that special Leela I was talking about it!? This is her! Leela's my Leela!"

Leela looks embarrassed. "We're sort of dating."

"You two seem very happy together," Peach says smiling.

"I need to tell everyone you're here! They'll never believe it!" Fry says excitedly. He takes Leela by the arm and leads her away.

Peach signs happily.

"There is nothing more special in the world than two people that love each other."

"Totally dude. I'm gonna enjoy prying them apart." Chris says. Peach looks concerned.

"What?"

"Would you look at that?" Chris says, looking at his watch. "Every contestant accounted for, even if it made us go seriously over time. Now let's move people. Time to start this thing for real.

…

Twenty-one of the twenty-three contestants have gathered in the sitting room, waiting for their host. No one has much to say to one another yet. Entrapta and Olivia are both buzzing around the room, absorbing all they see keenly. Penny, Max, and Miko are bouncing in their seats impatiently. Gary and Shego are still sulking, Guzma still looks confused, Katara gives everyone who meets her eyes a friendly wave, and everyone's doing their best to avoid Vultureman. His beastly figure looks comically oversized in the soft Victorian armchair he's sitting in.

The door flies open and in comes Fry and Leela.

"Everyone! Look who it is! It's Leela! she's here!"

"Welcome to the group," Katara says.

"Thank you," Leela says politely. "Sorry about Fry, he's just very earnest about things." She leans in and whispers. "You have to understand he's from the 20th century."

"He's from the future?" Elizabeth asks, somewhere between being deeply startled and deeply intrigued.

"Aren't we…all from the 20th century?" Steve asks confused.

"No, I'm from the 21st," Wallace says causally, swirling a cosmopolitan in his hand.

"Well, I'm from the31st." Leela clarified.

"Awk it appears I Vultureman have arrived in a place beyond time!" Vultureman squawks.

Rodney arrives, the seven other principal members of the staff shadowing him.

"Contestants!" Rodney calls. "Welcome. All of you to my humble abode. It is an honour to bear host to so many wonderful people. I can only hope I won't disappoint you."

"Never!" Entrapta gushes.

"Try me." Snaps Shego.

Rodney chuckles.

"Let's be off then."

The thirty-one of them shuffle back out into the hallway.

"Get a last look at the outside world Houseguests," Chris says gesturing to the open front door. "For all but one of you, next time you step outside these walls will be your elimination ceremony."

"This still feels like a small gym to be hosting a tournament in," Guzma says disapprovingly.

"Is this one of those shows where a bunch of nasty jerks live in a huge mansion and get all bored and backstabby?" Miko asks.

"Lord. You mean the ones where they make the woman act all slu*tty?" Leela grumbles.

"I'll act slu*tty if it'll get people to like me." Meg offers.

Shego groans.

"I miss Drakan already."

Up front Princess Peach looks down to Rodney.

"Mr. Squirrel do they not know the secret behind your house?"

"Haven't been told a thing, my dear." Rodney smiles.

Daisy laughs. "Boy, I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

Suddenly Entrapta appears behind them, throwing her arms around Peach and Daisy's shoulders.

"Ah, fellow Princesses! At last, we meet! I've made some startling discoveries about this fortress! According to my observations, this hallway should have already reached the back of the dwelling several feet before now."

"Thirty-seven feet actually." Olivia clarifies, looking at Rodney with energized captivation in her eyes. "Mr. Squirrel your house is bigger on the inside."

"Oh, it's more than that." Rodney laughs. "Is this far enough for adequate suspense Christopher?"

"You're the master of this place dude," Chris says. "Your call."

"Very well then. Everyone make sure you've got your balance steady."

"Why?" Fry asks.

A second later his feet fly out from under him. Several other contestants stagger.

The floor beneath their feet itself has lurched forward and is now moving independently from the walls. Their tacky wallpaper whizzes by as the segment of floor they're on slowly moves past them.

"The hell…" Tenpenny murmurs.

"Wow." Penny whistles.

"Golly." Raggedy Ann says.

"My dear guest as some of you already suspect my house is no ordinary house. It is also the cumulation of a lifetime of study. The conclusion to anobsessionif you will." Rodney says. "Since I was a young kit there's been a great fire of passion within me for all things unknowable, uncountable, infinite.

I spend years immersed in academia, in attempting to fulfill my insatiable thirst for knowledge on the subject. None of it proved enough. I wanted more. I wanted to see before me what had previously existed solely in mathematical axioms or the powers of the divine. I wanted my esteemed guests, to make the unquantifiable quantifiable, a finite piece of infinity."

He looks back at the cast.

"They called me mad…"

"I think this squirrel's a little nuts," Bruce says.

"I fear for his mental faculties," Zelda says with a note of concern.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'mrealpsyched he decided to reveal thatafterhe had us trapped," Steve says.

The walls whizzing by them begin to pick up speed until their nothing but a blur.

"Is everyone ready?" Rodney asks

"Not really," Katara admits.

Rodney chortles. "You have nothing to fear. No harm will come to you now. This ismydomain!"

"He'sdefinitelygoing to kill us," Miko says with a worried look.

"…And just when I was starting to like the guy," Max says.

Rodney takes his walking stick in one hand a opens a hidden slot on it, revealing a touch display and keypad.

"Esteemed houseguests, may I present to you….my home!"

There is a deafening noise as the ceiling and walls are torn away and disappear up into a golden sky. Gone is any semblance of a house, they're flying segment of carpet now soars amongst the clouds, high above an idyllic pastoral landscape stretching on in all directions below them.

The effect is apparent immediately on the new cast. Even the most stoic of them seem deeply impressed. There's a chorus of ohs and ahs and other exclamations of all kinds, from the most childlike to ones far more vulgar.

"Dude this is all your house!?" Miko asks a gasp. Rodney chuckles.

"As Conner once said I enjoy my space."

"Seems like kind of a crummy house," Shego says, looking the least impressed of the bunch.

"Do you not like it?" Rodney asks surprised.

"It's supposed to be a house, right?" Shego asks. "Where do you sleep? Up a tree?"

"Not since my early days dear. What you're seeing is but the slimmest fraction of my creation. For example, say you'd like something more civilized…"

A doorway appears suspended in mid-air. They fly through it and all at once the scene's changed. Now they're high above a dense nighttime cityscape of glittering skyscrapers and neon lights.

"Wow! Urban sprawl! My favourite." Shego quips dryly.

"Then perhaps you'd care for something a tad bit more traditional."

Another doorway and now it's mid-day. They're soaring over a high fantasy medieval town on the seaside.

"Oh no indoor plumbing? Where do I sign?" Snips Shego.

"Don't listen to her, this is incredible," Katara says gently. Shego gives her a dirty look.

"Thank you, my dear," Rodney says.

They pass through another doorway. They're above fluffy white cumulus clouds. Several ringed planets hang in the sky over them.

"My house can create every and any environment known to man. Indoor or outdoor regardless of size. From a broom closet to a gas giant. All of them under my control." Rodney explains.

The carpet beneath their feet shifts, pulling apart into thirty-one segments then stretching and expanding until they are translucent. The group's now floating along in giant soap bubbles.

"Goddamnchipmunk," Tenpenny says. "You're like some kind of little furry god in this place."

"Me? A god." Rodney asks laughing. "No, my dear friend. No. I leave such things to those who are truthy divine."

He nods respectfully to Conner, then curiously, to Rosalina, before returning his gaze to Tenpenny. A mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Though I must admit I've occasionally dabbled in abiogenesis."

There's a great noise below them before a great flock of birds emerges from one of the clouds. Dozens of species past them, Albatrosses, hummingbirds, eagles and archeopteryxes.

"My house through its simulations can create any form of life large or small. Just so long as it isn't intelligent. I'm rather unfond of the moral implications of such an experiment so I've made it the one thing my house will not give rise to. In any role where an intelligent being would normally be I find populating the space with nonsentient automatons more than suffices."

"Back up!" Miko says. "You said 'simulates'" She looks at him funny. "Are we in Virtual Reality?"

Conner laughs. "God no. What kind of season would use a tacky gimmick like that?"

"It must be magic then." Jack breaths.

"Magic doesn't exist, little boy, this is advanced technology," Olivia says confidently.

"I say it's probably both," Entrapta says.

"Isay we must be in the world's biggest Poke Ball," Guzma says.

"The girl with the pigtails is closest to the truth," Rodney says nodding to Entrapta. "It's a fair bit more complicated than that but that's not important at the moment."

"Instead, why don't we talk about whatisimportant? The game." Chris says.

All at once their bubbles pop and they're sent tumbling down into the clouds. There's a fair bit of panic from the contestants before they land neatly in a pit of foam cubes.

"Anyone else's life flash before their eyes just now?" Steve asks.

"Several times actually," Herlock says causally. "It was most illuminating."

They're now in a large concrete room. Chris and the staff already out of the pit and standing before them.

"Now. This season's pretty high concept." Chris admits. "So in case you got lost along the way, here's how Total Drama works.

Now that I'm back you guys are in store for the single greatest reality show in causality bar none. The rules are simple. You live here in the Rodney House for the next couple months. Get a real good look at everyone around you. These people are both your greatest asset and your greatest threat. Every day we'll do some kind of dangerous, dignity destroying and occasionally disgusting challenge. Normally our challenges would be limited to what Chef and the interns could build out of plywood in a day. However, with Rodney's big beautiful invention on hand, I have a literally infinite amount of resources for things I can throw at you people. And you better believe I'm gonna put them to good use."

He cackles sinisterly.

"If you do good, you'll be able to sleep soundly knowing you made in one more day in the game. You do bad, you're up for elimination. Because after every challenge we all get together and decide who are least favorite person is. If you're fellow contestant decide it's you then I got real bad news for you dude. You will be kicked out of this house, and this game.

Well, continue like that until we have our winner, who will be receiving this!"

The concrete wall behind him opens up to reveal a clear cannister, encrusted with light bulbs. They flash brightly as the blaring sound of a casino jackpot plays, and gold coins and wads of cash by the thousands come raining from a chute above them and quickly fill the space

"That is your prize money right there. Five million dollars, or whatever the equivalent is in your currency. All safely in its bulletproof container so no one gets any ideasShego."

"You're no fun."

"That's debatable," Chris argues. "Now. Any questions on the competition?"

"On your invitation, you said this was a charity gala," Bruce says disapprovingly.

"I might have lied because I really wanted you on the show," Chris admits. "I'll make you a deal to make up for it Wayne. Since I know you don't need the money, you're free to donate the money to charity if you win. And Total Drama will match you with another five-million-dollar donation."

Bruce looks conflicted. "That'd be a lot of money for a good cause." He considers it. "I'll participate for now, but no more tricks."

"Deal!"

"If I win and donate the money, can I have another five million too?" Max asks. "You know, so I can immediately in turn donate it to charity as well."

"Depends dude. What charity?"

"The cause for Lagomorphs desperately desiring a ten-mil investment"

"Nice try, but no."

"That's a shame. I have really used that extra dough."

Chris claps his hands "You guys will spend the first half on the competition in teams, two specifically. There's just one catch, For brownie points anyone tell me what it is?"

"There are twenty-three participants." Olivia acknowledges. "That would mean-"

"The teams will be unbalanced!" Entrapta interrupts.

Chris nods in approval. "Correctemundo. Or should I say Uncorrectemundo? While twenty-three peoplewouldbe impossible to split evenly, we don't have to worry about that. What you houseguests don't know is that one of you's about to become a loser right now."

"Who might that be?" Alucard asks. Chris smirks.

"Let's find out, shall we? Who's ready for your first challenge?"

Fry, Miko and Penny cheer again, the others seem to have lost a little enthusiasm.

A doorway opens beneath the glowing pot of money. Chris nods and they file through it, some of them gazing up hungrily as they pass into the vast fortune.

Beyond the doorway, they've entered into a vast cathedral-like room, long and rectangular with vaulted ceilings. About three metres from the door the flooring changes from unpainted concrete to hardwood. Ten pieces of standard household furniture are lined up from the start of the hardwood to a door on the opposite side.

"So what kind of super special challenge are we getting to start off with in this crazy witch house?" Tenpenny asks.

"Yeah tell us!" Miko demands. "What are we doing? Where are we doing it!? How awesome is it gonna be? I am readyfor it!"

"Well Miko since this season's gonna be one totally extreme house party I figure let's start off with some a classic game to play when you're trapped indoors. The Floor is Lava."

The floorboards crack and splinter before falling away. The furniture is left floating in the air above a vast chasm filled with a viscous orange-glowing liquid.

The contestants stare down into the pit in horror. Chris smiles.

"Who wants to go first?"

Chapter 3: Cast List

Chapter Text

Total Drama Homespun: Cast List

1. Wallace Wells (Scott Pilgrim)Suggested by: MemeKing the Third

2. Penny Crayon (Penny Crayon)Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)

3. Miko (Glitch Techs)Suggested by: SteelRobot

4. Bruce Wayne (Batman: The Animated Series)Suggested by: Filipe

5. Meg Griffin (Family Guy)Suggested by: Guest

6. Raggedy Ann (Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure)Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)

7. Jack Smith (Magic Tree House)Suggested by: That Guy

8. Frank Tenpenny (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas)Suggested by: PrincessGumballWatterson777

9. Sam & Max (Sam & Max)Suggested by: G-Man

10. Herlock Sholmes (The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures)Suggested by: NeverSafeFromWaluigi

11. Philip J Fry (Futurama)Suggested by: MemeKing the Third

12. Turanga Leela (Futurama)Suggested by: G-Man

13. Guzma (PokémonSun and Moon)Suggested by: SurvivorNerd

14. Vultureman (Thundercats 1985 and 2011)Suggested by: 1602jaw

15: Shego (Kim Possible)Suggested by: Guest

16: Entrapta (She Ra and the Princesses of Power)Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy

17: Katara (Avatar: the Last Airbender)Suggested by: That Guy

18: Princess Zelda (Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)Suggested by: Guest

19: Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate)Suggested by: TheMasterKat

20: Gary Smith (Bully)Suggested by: Happiness Studios

21: Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)Suggested by: Mrs Filipe

22: Doctor Olivia Octavius (Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse)Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy

23: Steve Harrington (Stranger Things)Suggested by: Doctor Chaotic

Chapter 4: Episode 1, Part 2: Child's Play

Chapter Text

In the endless expanse of the infinite cosmos, there exists a place far removed from the withering doldrums of modern life.

Here there is a kingdom untouched by sadness. Where the blues of the skies and greens of the fields are brighter than should be possible and even the round peaks of the mountains have smiling faces.

In this happy land, a fairy tale castle stands, white walled and red roofed. It stands tall, looking out an utterly peaceful scene… for the moment.

A shadow looms over the castle and the quaint town below. A warship has appeared in the sky, wood hulled and suspended in the air by massive propellers atop its masts. On the airship’s deck a tiny vaguely draconic turtle spies his target through a spy glass. He gives a youthful cackle.

“Aha! Thirteenth times the charm! Let’s go Koopas!”

The turtle guards by his side salute.

He hops in a smaller propelled vehicle and leaps from his airship. Barging through the front gate of the castle below.

“Ha ha HA! Surrender Princess Peach! My papa has a new marriage proposal for you! And this time he’s not taking no for an answer!”

He laughs then trails off. There’s no response to his presence. No terrified princess, no panicking guards. He blinks in surprise.

“Peach?”

Nothing. Not a single sign of life in the hallway.

“Huh…”

There’s the faintest noise from one of the side rooms. The turtle’s lips curl victoriously. In his flying machine he rushes through and kicks down the door.

“FOUND YOU!”

“YA!”

The person on the other side of room yelps and leaps into the air in fear. It’s not the princess, it’s a young mustached man in green cap and blue overalls. Behind him a similar looking man in a red cap is snoring in an armchair. An open magazine draped over his sleeping face. The turtle recoils.

“Not you pesky plumbers!”

“Bowser Jr!” The green one cries. “Wha-What are you doing here?”

“What do you think!? Kidnapping the princess! Where is she? Or her guards?” He looks around. “Or anyone in the Mushroom Kingdom besides you Mario Brothers.”

Luigi, the green caped Mario Brother chuckles fretfully.

“The ah P-pa-princess. S-she’s a gone away.”

“WHAT!?” Roars the tyke. “Again!?! She can’t keep doing this to Papa! Where’s her toads? Or her friends!? I’ll take them hostage while she’s gone.”

“They’re all gone.”

Bowser Jr gapes at him.

“THE WHOLE KINGDOM LEFT THIS TIME!?”

Luigi whimpers.

“Yeah.”

Bowser Jr groans miserably.

“Papa’s not gonna be happy about this.”

…

“This way now ladies and gentleman.”

In a place so terribly far from her kingdom, Princess Peach strolls contented into a vast study, her friends and an entourage of toads besides her.

“Oh Rodney it’s lovely”

Rodney J Squirrel, master of the study and the expansive house beyond it chuckles.

“Thank you, Princess. I spend a great deal of time here, therefore I had some reason in making it cozy.”

Rodney study is ovular with high ceilings decorated ornately with an emphasis on wood paneling. The opposite wall from them is dominated by a towering screen currently switched off. A wood laminated master console beneath it. Mounted treasure and flags and book shelves and all sorts of things line the other wall. Inlayed at eye level there’s a display of busts of all sorts of figures, philosophers mathematicians, theorists and adventures, what have you. Some human, some decidedly less sort. One of the latter catches Chef Hatchet’s eye.

“’Shadow the Hedgehog, King of NickEarth.’” He reads confessed.

“Oh, we meet him last season.” Peach says. “His world’s not far from here. Maybe he’ll visit again.”

“Perhaps he may.” Rodney agrees. “Now! To business!”

He presses a button and the screens come to life.

…

In their vast cathedral like room the contestants are still peering over the edge of the chasm apprehensively. Chris stands behind them smiling.

“Like I said. Anyone want to go first?” He asks them.

The cast turns back to him. A myriad of different emotions across them, mostly negative.

“You’re insane if you expect us to cross that.” Guzma says. He folds his arms and scowlsat the host. Chris shrugs innocently.

“You’re the one that signed up for the show dude.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything as dangerous as this.”

“Then you should have read the brochure better.” Chris laughs. “Now. This challenge will be coming at you in three parts. The Goal of round one will be to get across the furniture with the fastest time. Winner gets an advantage in the last round.”

Katara raises her hand. “…And if we fall?”

“Then your disqualified.” Chris smiles.

“…And dead.” Max adds cheerfully. Chris makes an indecisive noise.

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean by maybe?” Bruce asks, frowning at the host.

“Just focus on not falling.” Chris tells him unhelpfully.

With that their saunters back over to the door they came in. It opens like an elevator and he steps in and ascends away.

“That doesn’t make sense.” Fry says.

“None of this makes sense.” Guzma says.

“Not that. The door,” Fry clarifies. “How long was it an elevator?”

“Look, sometimes rooms just suddenly turn out to be elevators,” Steve says. “Don’t focus on it we got bigger problems.”

“It seems that challenge as he calls it could be are only path of escape.” Zelda says, ruefully glancing towards the place the door they came in had been.

“We don’t actually have to do this do we?” Miko asks.

“We could refuse.” Bruce says. “If none of us participate than he doesn’t have much of a show.”

“I’m open to a Spartacus style gladiator revolt.” Wallace says causally.

“If its all the same I’d rather be a millionaire.” Tenpenny says.

“Go ahead and try it then.” Shego encourages him boredly.

Tenpenny gives her a smile dripping with mock chivalry.

“Ladies first.”

Shego’s eye’s narrow.

“Fine.”

And with a running start she lunges towards the ledge and leaps, landing on the sofa floating a metre or so off of it, then vaulting through the air toward the coffee table behind that, then the armchair behind that. Then to a TV Stand, another sofa, an ottoman, a love seat, a large shelf, another chair. Leaping from one to the next as effortlessly and acrobatically as an Olympic gymnast. She lands on her feet on the other side then turns back, smirking pridefully, and cups her hands to her mouth.

“Beat that!”

Her fellow cast members stare impressed.

“What a woman.” Steve says breathlessly.

Tenpenny whistles. “No kidding.”

“Hate to interrupt Casanovas.” Leela says. “But that still leaves only one person not at risk of dying today.”

“Two.” Fry corrects. “That guy in the red suit’s a vampire so he’s already dead…. Also, he’s over there now.”

The others look. Alucard is indeed now standing over with Shego on the other side of the pit.

“Dude! How’d you TP over there so fast!?” Miko calls to him.

Fry shrugs. “I dunno. Vampire powers?”

“Why didn’t you say we could use our powers!?” Penny demands.

She quickly grabs the pencil resting behind her ear and sketches out a Pegasus. Just as soon as she’s finished it, it comes to life, she hops onto it and takes off into the air.

“This challenge has just turned into a cup of tea then it has. Shame about the rest of you lot. Guess you’ll just have to think of something won’t you?”

She laughs and flies off. Guzma sneers after her.

“Two can play at that game!”

He raises his little red and white capsule and shouts.

“Vikavolt! Let’s go!”

The capsule glows red and a large insectoid creature materialized before him. It rasps a call vaguely like it’s own name.

Guzma grabs hold of its legs.

“Vikavolt! Fly!”

The creature rasps again and takes off. Lifting Guzma over the pit. He touches down on the other side just as Penny lands her stead. A moment later Vultureman takes off and flies over as well.

“I think it’s starting to get a sense of what kind of people I’m competing with.” Steve says. “Anyone else feel that way, or I’m I the only one having a mild panic attack?”

“Hey I hear you.” Miko says. “It’s awesome though.”

“Yeah yup. Kind of yeah.” Steve agrees. “So… anybody else got any amazing powers they want to show off?”

“Nope!” Miko says suspiciously quick.

“I don’t think my waterbending will help with this.” Katara says.

Olivia leans toward the pit. Seemingly considering something, then shakes her head.

“No…”

Tenpenny raises an eyebrow. “No what?”

“Just analysing.” Olivia says opaquely.

“A very wise idea in a time like this.” Zelda agrees.

“Precisely my feelings on the matter.” Herlock says. “I’ve been carefully considering our circ*mstances from the moment we arrived.”

Tenpenny gives him a look.

“Alright Sherlock-“

“Herlock!”

“Whatever. What’s your plan?”

Herlock messages his chin thoughtfully and closes his eyes.

“That host of ours. Didn’t seem very precise in his warnings, did he?”

“Good point. Why’d he said we’d maybe die if we hit the lava. That should be a really solid example of a violent death.” Steve says.

“Quite right you are.” Herlock agrees.

“Maybe he’s just got a sick sense of humour.” Max argues. “I know plenty of guys like that. Myself included.”

“That my lagomorph friend is undoubtable. However, I disagree that it was the cause of his behavior. No, my fair comrades. More sinister motives are a foot! The host is being dishonest on purpose about the true nature of our circ*mstance. For if we fall, we land not in the cold embrace of death but in a fate worse than death! Yes indeed! I’ve done it!”

“Well done detective, now I’m even less egger to try this.” Wallace says.

Jack peers over the edge.

“It can’t really be lava down there can it?”

Entrapta appears by his side.

“Can’t it?”

Jack shrugs off his backpack and pulls out a book, flipping through it in search of answers.

“If only we could test it.”

“Great idea.” Gary says.

The older boy causally tears the book from Jack’s hand and tosses it over the side.

“My book!” Jack cries.

The book tumbles downward, pages fluttering before it lands on the glowing liquid with a soft splat. Miko squints.

“Doesn’t look like it’s burning.”

Gary smirks in satisfaction. “The response I think you’re looking for is “Thank you Gary”, for being the only one that isn’t a simpleton paralysed at the first sign of obstruction.”

Tenpenny smacks him hard on the back of the head.

“You keep messing with kids like that you ain’t gonna be here long. Now apologize to the child.”

“Don’t tell me what to do porkchop!”

Tenpenny gives him a very dangerous look.

“Oh… You do not want to play that game Gary.”

He takes a step towards Gary. Fry steps between them.

“Alright that’s enough! From both of you. We’ve just been invited to that nice squirrel’s house and here we are already fighting like frogs.”

“Someone has to go already.” Tenpenny says, his patience clearly wanning.

“If it get everyone to stop fighting I’ll go.” Fry offers.

“Fry that’s noble and everything. But isn’t it a little early in the game to get yourself killed?” Leela asks.

“Leela it’s alright. If I fall down there and die a horrible fiery death, you can just get yourself another robot copy of me.”

“That was kind of a pain.” Leela reflects. “Maybe I’ll see if The Professor could clone you again.”

“Good enough for me.” Fry says. “Alright. Everyone. Stand back.”

The others clear a space around them, a sense of bystander syndrome having overtaken them.

Fry takes a running leap and lands on the first sofa.

“Hey! I’m not dead.”

He stands up and leaps to the coffee table.

“Hey I’m still not dead!”

“That’s great Fry!” Leela calls.

Fry makes it to the third piece of furniture, the fourth.

“Oh snap! He might actually have this.” Miko says impressed.

The others contestants start cheering him on. First Wallace, then Miko and Steve. Soon half the contestants are chanting his name in encouragement.

“Fry! Fry! Fry! Fry!”

Fry’s five pieces in now, the halfway point. He jumps to furniture number six then seven, almost losing his footing.

Bruce looks on with deep unease.

“It feels horribly unethical watching this.”

Besides him Elizabeth Bennet looks up from her book. One of Jack’s that had fallen from his backpack.

“If such blood sport is common place then it would seem the future of mankind is quite more savage than even it bares to admit.” She observes dryly.

“Come on Fry you got this!” Wallace calls.

Fry’s only three jumps from the end now. There’s a dinning room table, a bean bag chair, then one last couch and he’s home free.

He steals himself, jumps for the table… and comes up short.

The others let out of chorus of panic noises. As the delivery boy is left desperately hanging on to one of the table’s legs.

“He’s going to fall!” Zelda cries.

“I’ve got this.” Miko shouts stepping forward.

But whatever she’s planning she doesn’t get the chance to do it. Something distracts her, and the most of the others for that manner. Standing on the table Fry’s clinging to Chris Mclean has suddenly appeared, or specifically it seems a hologram of him has.

“Fry! Dude! I see you’re making good progress. How you feeling?”

“I’ve been better!” Fry admits. “You’re not by any chance here because you’ve taken pity on me have you?”

“Sort of…” Chris says. “See I’ve got a little secret to share and now seemed like as good time as any…”

Princess Daisy appears in the hologram, eying everything excitedly.

“Wow! Are you talking to everyone right now? That’s so cool! Show me how it works?”

Chris pushes here aside.

“…As I was saying Fry. That lava beneath you? Don’t worry. It’s only water.”

“It is?!” Fry cries hopefully. Chris nods.

“Oh yeah. Totally. Just glowing coloured water. Perfectly harmless.” Chris snickers. “The poisonous jellyfish and vicious man-eating piranhas swimming in it? Yeah they might be a different story.”

“What!?”

The revelation startles Fry enough that he lets go of the leg.

“AGGGGGGGHhhhhh…”

Chris cackles.

“HAVE A PLEASANT SWIM FRY!”

Fry spirals downward towards the waters. Landing on its surface stomach first.

To everyone’s surprise he bounces. Flying back into the air before slowly coming to halt. The glowing substance being neither liquid water or rock, but some sort of gelatinous surface. He let’s out a laugh of relief.

“FRY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?” Leela calls down.

“I’M OKAY LEELA! I LANDED ON THIS BIG JELL-O THING!”

“JELL-O!?” Leela echoes.

…

“Jell-O?” Chef askes.

He turns to Chris. The host seated with the other staff in Rodney’s office, looking far less smug than he was a moment ago.

“…What?” He says hoarsely. “W-where’s my piranhas?”

“They’re there.” Rodney insists.

He gestures to the screen. Submerged in the Jell-o are solid objects, what appears to be hard candy in the same of a very cartoonish depiction of Amazonian red bellied piranhas.

“The Jelly is gooseberry and the piranhas cranberry. I’d imagine they’d be quite delicious together. Of course, they’re inevitably going to be stomped on by the contestants but should anyone want an unspoiled sample I’d be more than happy to include some in the catering algorithm.”

“Oh, yes please.” Peach says.

Chris seems to be coming out of his daze.

“Dude! Why are my piranhas made of candy!?”

“Did you want real ones?” Rodney asks surprised. “Oh no I’m afraid that’d be quite impossible. I have it so that nothing there’s nothing made in my rooms that would intentionally seek to do lasting harm any of my guests.”

“So what? I should have gone lava after all.”

“Also, impossible.” Rodney says academically. “The master algorithm forbids the generation of any extreme temperatures or substances or minerals that are toxic, caustic, poisonous, or otherwise lethal or uncontrollably dangerous.”

“But It’s Total Drama!” Chris shouts. “It’s supposed to be dangerous dude! How are we going to get views if I can’t torture the contestants!!?”

“Why would we ever do something like that when everyone’s such lovely people?” Peach asks.

Chris smacks his forehead.

…

With the threat of a very violent death gone, the rest of the contestants’ breeze through their first challenge relatively easily. Fry isn’t the last person to end up at the bottom of the pit. Both Wallace and Max hop down intentionally, curious to see what it’s like down there.

Jack approaches Elizabeth who’s still reading one of his books. He presents his backpack to her.

“I’m sorry. Do you mind holding these? I need to get my book back.”

“Surely one of the others could fetch it for you?” She asks the boy. He shakes his head.

“I don’t own these, I’m burrowing them. Which means I’m responsible for looking after them.”

He pushes his glasses back into place and lowers his legs down into the pit somewhat hesitantly.

“Oh man…”

And he jumps down to join the other three.

The rest of the contestants make an attempt at the furniture. Meg falls as does Bruce Wayne who is surprisingly, almost suspiciously bad at the jumps. The rest cross without issue. Raggedy Ann, Katara and Olivia all doing surprising well.

There fortunately turns out to be a ladder out of the pit and up to the opposite side. Once the other competitors have crossed the boys climb it and reunited with the rest of the group.

Jack retreats his backpack from Elizabeth.

“Thank you for the help.”

“I should hope whomever you burrowed them from appreciates the dedication you have to their precious books.” Elizabeth says.

“They are very precious.” Jack says importantly. “Morgan Le Fay takes her personal library very seriously.”

“Morgan Le Fay?” Elizabeth asks with a slight laugh. “The witch from Geoffrey and Chretian’s King Arthur stories?”

“She’s not a witch.” Jack insists, slightly offended. “She’s brilliant. Me and my sister Annie, we do missions for her and Merlin in her magic tree house. It’s taken us all over history looking for great people and their knowledge.”

Elizabeth gives him an amused look.

“I should say you’ve quite the imagination, even for a boy your age.”

Jack smiles back at her.

“My English teacher says the same thing. She doesn’t believe me either.”

Just then Chris appears, in the flesh this time.

“Contestants. Congratulations on passing your first challenge.”

“Hey man, what gives? Why’d you pull a double fake out?” Miko asks.

“Just messing with you dudes. Figured we’d take it easy on you for round one.”

“That was nice.” Leela says.

“Yeah.” Chris says. “Just don’t expect us to make a habit of it. Most challenges you face in this house really are going to be brutal! …Hopefully.”

He mutters the last word under his breath then turns his full attention back to the group.

“Now! Let’s see who had the best time!”

There’s a great stained-glass window behind him. The carefully painted glass panels begin changing shape, a figure of a saint melts and contorts until it becomes a field of cobalt blue. Upon it, in rich medieval print a score board of times appears.

“With thirty-five seconds, the fastest time was Shego!” Chris announces.

“Cool! Great! I’ve earned the money now right?” She asks.

“Awk! I was much faster than the obnoxious harlequin!” Vultureman squawks. “The Great and Mighty Vultureman demands answers!”

“The Great and Mighty Vultureman was disqualified for using his powers.” Chris informs him.

Vultureman screeches indignantly.

“You never said we couldn’t use our powers!!” Guzma shouts.

“True. But I never said you could, did I?” Chris challenges.

Guzma, Vultureman and Penny Crayon erupt into a chorus of outrage. Screaming at Chris.

Alucard clears his throat and they go quiet. The vampire lowers his glasses and gives Chris a piercing look.

“Mr Mclean. As both your guest and representative of the Hellsing Organization I must respect your rules. But I was promised a fair competition and this intentional lack of guidance was most certainly not that. Should this less moral behavior ever become truly fowl than I will have no choice but to deal with you the same way I deal with the rest of the vermin. Am I clear?”

Chris stares at the vampire for a good twenty seconds before responding.

“…Totally.” He says slowly.

Alucard grins.

“Perfect.”

“I want him on my team.” Penny says nudging Zelda. “Don’t you?”

“I think I’d rather reframe.” She says apprehensively.

…

The altar behind Chris has a trap door beneath it. Chris ushers them down it then leads them through what looks like the basem*nt of a suburban house before they pass through a set of automatic doors and enter a new space. One with the hum of fluorescent lights, a tiled floor, and seven long aisles stocked with food. Peach, Rosalina, and a several toads are already there waiting for them.

“Out of curiosity how many of you have never been in a room like this?” Chris asks.

Vultureman, Raggedy, Zelda, Elizabeth, Herlock, Entrapta and Katara all raise their hands.

“I see. Well for those not in the know. This here is a supermarket, it’s where we in the modern mid 20^th to mid 21^st century world get our food and supplies.

“Fascinating!” Entrapta gushes.

“Yeah great.” Shego says. “Of all the magical places you could make in this place you choose a grocery store. Amazing imagination you people have.”

“Sometimes you’ll find here in the Rodney House that it’s not the setting that’s strange, but the context it’ll be used in. For example, part two of your first challenge is another game you probably played as a kid but in a setting you were probably not allowed to play it in. Hide and seek.”

“How are we suppose to find enough space to hide twenty-three grown ass people in here?” Steve asks.

“That’s what’s gonna make things interesting… also quick. We don’t want each part of this challenge to take all day.”

He turns to leave.

“Five minutes to hide houseguest. Last one found gets another advantage in the last round.”

Alucard clears his throat. Chris stops dead and turns around again.

“…Also just so we’re clear, you still can’t use your powers.”

He waltzes back out of the store. Rosalina and Peach turn around and shuts their eyes her Toads begin counting in their raspy little voices.

“One… Two…”

…

“…Two-Hundred-Ninety-Nine… Three Hundred! Yeah!”

The group turns around. The store’s a mess. Boxes and cans litter the floor as it seems people have displaced them in the panic of hiding. In front of aisle four directly ahead of them is a floor display of boxes of soda that wasn’t there when they closed their eyes. One of the toads walks up to it excitedly.

“Found them! Found them!”

“Very good!” Peach says, her tone that of a kindergarten teacher. “Pull them out and show me who you’ve found.”

The toad yips excitedly and kicks away one of the boxes at the bottom of the display. It falls apart exposes a very grumpy looking Gary.

“We found you Gary.” Peach says.

“Come on! My spot was good, that bastard Steve or somebody ratted me out.”

“Bullsh*t I ratted you out!” Comes a voice from beneath the nearest cashier aisle. Peach looks and finds Steve tucked in small nook where a trash bin would normally go.

“Uh hi?”

“Found you Steve!”

Rosalina looks up, almost boredly.

“The feathered one. I see him too.”

“Impossible!” ca*wks Vultureman from behind the tiny display he’s crouched behind.

…

They continue finding people with ease for some time. It seems that not every contestant bothered putting their all into this challenge, and those who did don’t seem to have had many good options.

Max, they find right away. He’s standing by the entrance door with a lampshade over his head. Where he found it, they have no idea.

Herlock they find trying to sneak around behind their backs. His line of thinking apparently being that the last place they would have looked was right behind them.

Searching the aisles yields contestants ducking behind products or wedged best they can in or under the shelves. They find Guzma, Meg, Leela and Jack and that way. Shortly after one of the toads finds Bruce Wayne after he accidently knocks over the floor display, he was crouched behind.

“Admittedly stealth has never been my strong suit.” He insists.

After Bruce the discoveries die down. The two women follow behind the little toads as they pace the aisles. Double checking to make sure if they’ve missed anyone obvious.

Peach sighs happily.

“I think I’m enjoying being on the other side of things. Especially with so many friends by my side.”

Rosalina makes a faint noncommittal noise.

“Are you enjoying yourself Rosalina?” Peach asks.

“Unfortunately, no.” Rosalina says shortly.

Peach looks at her taken aback.

“Whatever do you mean?”

She looks up at Rosalina. Her friend was already taller than her but she also had a habit of floating ever so slightly off the ground. One of Rosalina’s pale blue eyes gazes down at her sternly. The other as usual hidden by a sweeping bang of platinum blonde hair.

“Princess I have seen the lengths you and your special one have gone to reach each other across the cosmos. There is much strength in your heart. But still I wonder how you have to strength to remain cheerful around that so called god.”

“Conner?” Peach asks. “Why of course I’m cheerful around him. I’m very pleased to see him again. He’s a very kind man, and was very good to us last season.”

“I believe the new host has different plans.”

“Yes, I supposed that’s true. Endless has ended. It’s in the past, and now we have Mr McLean and his way of doing things back. But he’s still a guest of Rodney’s like all of us, and Rodney is a wonderfully kind squirrel, he’ll make sure everyone will always be perfectly safe.”

She cups her hands around one of Rosalina’s hands.

“You mustn’t worry Rosie. I appreciate your concern but try and enjoy yourself. You’d find you have much in common with Conner and everyone if you got to know them.”

Rosalina looks thoughtful.

“Perhaps your right.”

“Splendid.” Peach says. She looks down a nearby aisle and gasps.

“Oh look at all the lovely baking supplies they have.”

She rushes ahead. Her goddess friend watches her with a look still tinged by melancholy.

Behind her Fry slowly crawls out of one of the frozen food freezers and quietly grabs a bag of chips from the opposite shelf.

“You’ve been spotted.” She tells him without turning.

“Dammit!”

…

Zelda and Katara as it turns out also made the unadvised decision to try and hide in the freezers. They come out on their own after a while, shivering.

After that, the little group of seekers moves on from the main floorspace. Off to the side of the aisles is a short hallway and two bathrooms, men and women. They find Wallace waiting for them in one of the stalls of the ladies’ room and Alucard standing placidly in the middle of the men’s room.

A flap in the back of the aisles leads to a crowded storeroom. Miko they discover under a series of crates of produce. Penny ends up being behind a pile of boxes that she seems to have drawn herself, and Elizabeth and Tenpenny are both found hiding the small managers office.

The found contestants are shooed out of the store and the ladies are their toads are left to try and find the last four hiders, Raggedy, Shego, Entrapta and Olivia.

“Where could they be?” Peach wonders aloud after twenty minutes go by without result. “We’ve searched the front?”

“Yup!” Squeaks one of the toads.

“…And the back room?”

“Yeah!”

“…And the aisles?”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh my.” Peach sighs. She laughs to herself. “You really think I’d be better at seeking after all those statue hunts in Endless. What do you say Rosalina?”

Her friend seems distracted again.

“Rosalina?”

Rosalina nods, and looks down at her with a smile. The goddess eyes had been fixed somewhere above her.

“I find that in such times, it helps to reflect upon the stars.”

“What do you mean?”

Rosalina puts a single finger to her lips then extends it to the ceiling.

They wait in silence. After a moment they hear the muffled sound of shuffling from somewhere above them. Peach gasps.

“Is there anyone above us?”

“NO!” Cries a voice in the ceiling.

“Pigtail! I knew you were going get us in trouble!”

“They can’t find us if they can’t see us can they?”

Peach giggles and crouches down to meet one of her toads at eye level.

“Do you mind if I ask a favour of you?”

The toad nods eagerly. She lifts him gently into an air vent.

There’s some more shuffling, then they her the little toad yip in excitement before there’s a great deal of shouting. The foam ceiling tiles above give way and Peach’s subject comes crashing down to earth, bringing with them, Entrapta, Shego and Olivia.

“Well now I suppose they can see us.” Entrapta says. Shego snarls bitter.

“Great. That’s what I get for letting you up there.”

“Actually, hiding in the ceiling was my idea.” Olivia says. Shego glares at her.

On cue Chris comes waltzing back in the front doors, the other contestants in tow.

“Nice hiding ladies, but it just quite wasn’t good enough.” He chuckles. “Alright Raggedy! You won!”

One of the cash registers’ opens and out springs Raggedy Ann. The doll looks surprised.

“Well, gosh you mean it mister?”

“It seems your size was very favourable for that task.” Rosalina notes. Raggedy looks down bashfully.

“Aw golly, I can’t help that I’m a dolly.”

“No you can’t” Chris agrees, with a shiver of discomfort. “Now. All of you, follow me. On to part three of today’s challenge.”

Peach Rosalina and the toads stay put, as Chris swipes some sort of employee only door that had been locked while the contestants had been hiding. It clicks open the contestants find themselves being lead through a long commuter train being rattling down a subway tunnel. All around them empty clothing sit in the seats as if worn by invisible commuters.

“Hey it’s like the Old New York subway!” Fry says brightly looking around while munching on the bag of chips he had swiped earlier. “’Been a thousand years since I’ve been on one of these.”

“Must have been difficult to manage back then.” Leela says. “Pneumatic tubes transport is so much easier.”

“What favour chips are those?” Wallace asks.

Fry shovels a handful of them in his mouth and screws up his face in confusion.

“Don’t know. It’s like some kind of weird messed up space flavour.”

“Bum me one.”

Fry hands one to Wallace and he pops it in his mouth.

“I’m tasting… Paprika and cinnamon.”

“What’s it say on the bag?” Miko asks.

Wallace looks.

“Paprika and cinnamon.”

Miko grabs herself a handful.

“Not bad.”

“So far both parts of this challenge have been delicious.” Fry says happily. “If things stay this way this game’s gonna be great!”

“I hear you man. I’m kind of starting to vibe with this place.” Miko says. “It’s like one of those puzzle platformer battle-royale games but with procedurally generated maps.”

“Is that what the kids are playing these days?” Wallace asks.

A set of very normal household stairs leads out of the train and up into another unusual room. There’s no furniture present. Rather, the space was taken up with block-coloured shapes and platforms of every size, all covered in soft padding. Dozens of platforms and unorthodox paths spiral upwards over them, some of them leading into tunnels that lead to other, connected parts of the area currently hidden from view. It looked like a grand scale parkour gym.

“So.” Chris begins. “Most of you have probably figured out by now that the theme of your first challenge has been playground games, and if you haven’t clued in yet, congratulations, you’re officially one of the contestants I accepted onto the show as a joke.

Now can I get Raggedy Ann and Shego to step forward?”

They do so.

“Contestants, first two rounds were about facing off against the environment or the interns. This final round however for the first time you’ll be doing something your gonna do a lot of in this game, directly facing off against each other.”

“We’re playing dodgeball, aren’t we?” Wallace asks.

“No team sports just yet.” Chris says with a wink.

“Is it tag?” Jack guess.

“Close.” Chris says. “Your final game is a variation of tag called manhunt.”

“Well sh*t. I know a thing or two about that one.” Tenpenny jokes.

“Rules are almost exactly the same as tag.” Chris explains. “One player or in this case two…” He nods his head to the winners of the previous rounds. “…. start as It and have to tag other players, in Manhunt however once you’re it you stay it for the rest of the game, until there’s just one player left. As you can imagine mid game get’s kind of confusing so theirs some helpful hand gestures to go along with the game. You do this…”

He swipes both hands horizontally across his chest.

“…if you’re not it. And this…”

He makes a vertical chopping motion with both hands.

“…if you are.”

He folds his hands back behind his back.

“Now here’s where things are about to get interesting. Shego, and Raggedy will be it. They have half an hour to tag all twenty other contestants. After that we’ll have our first elimination ceremony. If the original hunters manage to tag everyone, they’ll win immunity, and two of them will get another special reward. If they fail, they’ll be the only ones not immune tonight. Meaning they have a one in three chance of going home right now.”

“Gosh.” Raggedy says.

“You wanna run that by me one more time Mclean?” Shego asks angrily. “Because it sounds like I’m being punished for doing well.”

“Trust me Shego, in manhunt the tagger is always at the advantage. Especially as you get more and more people helping track their former allies.”

“Why would I do that?” Tenpenny asks. “What’s say, stopping me once tagged from sitting on my ass and refusing to help destroy my chance at immunity?”

“Remember anywhere in the house we have eyes on you.” Chris warns him. “You refuse to play this last round, I’ll count that as a disqualification from the challenge. Meaning you forfeit any chance immunity regardless of who wins. Got that officer?”

Tenpenny considers this then folds his arms and nods.

“Fair enough.”

“I’m not getting stuck with the doll!” Shego snaps.

“Aw, come on, I’m sure we’ll be fast friends.” Raggedy insists.

“I don’t care about friends! I care about not losing!”

“Playing games isn’t about winning or losing silly. It’s about having fun.” The doll giggles.

Shego slaps her forehead miserably.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

“I’ll give you a peace offering Shego, just because you’re humouring me.” Chris chuckles. “I’ll let you pick one person to sit out this last game. But choice carefully. That person’s going to be immune tonight no matter what happens.”

Shego silently judges her fellow contestants for a moment or two.

“The vampire.” She decides on.

“Excellent choice.” Grins the Alucard. “None of you would have stood a chance against me.”

“You have thirty minutes.” Chris reminds her.

“Yeah I got that part!” Shego snarls.

“…and…”

“Yeah, Yeah! No powers whatever!”

“Runners get a minute head start! Good luck!” Chris says.

And with that he and Alucard walk over to the nearest wall. It slides open and they walk through and disappear.

Raggedy turns around and covers her eyes.

“One…two…three…”

“You’re gonna want to run.” Shego tells the others.

They do so.

…

By a minute’s gone by the cast has scattered. Their play area’s big enough that some of the them have lost sight of each other.

Fry’s sprinting blindly when he runs into someone’s back.

“Aha!” They cry.

It’s Herlock. The detective spins around and raises his fists.

“Though you could catch the great Herlock Sholmes off his guard sir? Unlikely! If it’s a fight you want they we shall duel like proper gentlemen.”

“Detective! Sorry! Are you it?”

“Whose asking?”

“Wait.”

Fry swipes his hands across his chest.

“Ah I see.” Herlock says approvingly. He repeats the gesture. Fry relaxes.

“Oh good. Now quickly, we should team up. We’ll last longer that way.”

“Absolutely not.” Herlock says.

“Why not?” Fry asks dejected.

“Frist rule of detecting! Trust no one, not even yourself.”

They hear approaching footsteps.

“I was never here!” Herlock declares. He dashes away.

“Wait!” Fry says.

The footsteps grow louder, until Leela rounds the corner. Fry perks up.

“Leela!”

“Oh it’s just you.” She says relived. “Have you been tagged yet?”

“No! Have you?”

“No.”

She turns to leave.

“Wait!” Fry says. “Where are you going?”

“It’s better to keep moving.”

“But aren’t we going to team up?”

Leela winces. “You mean the whole challenge?”

“Yeah why?” Fry asks frowning.

Leela looks awkward. “Remember when all those tentacles from another dimension invaded? How I was the only one in the universe to avoid being infected.” She gives him a look. “…And you were the first one hooked?”

“Leela if this is about our relationship, I promised you I’ve moved on from Yivo. I don’t even think about shkler anymore.”

“What? No!” Leela says, flustered. “Look Fry. Don’t take this personally but I don’t want you holding me back this game.”

“I don’t.” Fry insists. “We’re a team.”

“An unequal team.”

Fry looks wounded but quickly rallies himself.

“Alright I get it. But give me one chance to prove myself before you make up your mind.”

“I already know what you’re like back at work.”

“Please Leela? If we team up this round and don’t win I’ll pretend like I don’t even know you for the rest of the season. Whatever makes you happy.”

Leela smiles softly. “Well… that wouldn’t make be happy either.”

She brushes his hair aside and kisses him on the forehead.

“One round. Got it? If you mess this up for us we’ll just have to talk about it later.”

“That’s all I ask.” Fry says.

…

On another part of the map Shego’s doubled over in exhaustion. She’d been chasing Entrapta for some time but the young scientist was proving evasive.

“Hi there. Are you having fun yet?”

She looks over to see Raggedy waving at her. Shego growls.

“Why are you just standing around!?”

“Oh I’m not I’m chasing Penny up there.” Raggedy says pointing.

She points up to one of the platforms where Penny’s waving down at them cheerfully

“Hi! Hello! How are you?”

Raggedy giggles.

“She’s a lot bigger and faster than I am but I’ve been having tremendous fun playing with her the last ten minutes.”

“You’ve been wasting a third of our time on one contestant!?” Shego shouts. Raggedy nods.

“Yes, but she’s quite good at this game, I’d take a lot to-“

Shego springs up the platforms like an acrobat, then vaults back to the ground. Penny Crayon in her arms.

“…catch her. Golly.” Raggedy says.

“That wasn’t very sportsman like of you was it?” Penny says crossly.

“Shut up and start tagging people.” Shego snaps.

“Not a nice way to put it but very well then. You’re the boss I suppose.”

Penny laughs and runs off. Shego grabs Raggedy.

“Apparently you’re useless alone so you’re sticking with me.”

“Oh wonderful. We’ll be sure to become best of friends now!”

Shego groans.

…

Back in Rodney’s study the staff watch quietly as Shego, Raggedy and the contestants she’s converted tear through a crowd of their fellow competitors like a band of rabid foxes trapped in a henhouse.

“Well Mclean I must hand it to you, you have quite the erm… spirited show.” Rodney compliments.

“It’ll only get crazier.” Chris assures them. He clears his throat. “Assuming you people quit trying to hold me back.”

“Don’t look at me I’m the one saying we should have given Shego less time.” Conner insists.

“Anyone spot any slouchers yet?” Daisy asks keenly. “I really want to disqualified someone.”

“Daisy!” Peach scolds.

“What?” Her friend asks. “Can’t a girl enjoy having power for once? I never get to do anything back in Sarasaland.”

Chef squints. “Ms Bennet is technically playing, but she ain’t exactly applying her self. Same with Batsy.”

Chris shakes his head. “Dang old Batsy dude. Never thought I’d say it but I’m starting to get disappointed.”

“Maybe you should have signed up Batman instead of Bruce Wayne then.” Conner says causally.

…

Bruce Wayne and Elizabeth causally stroll about, watching the chaos from a distance. Both of them had done little to avoid being tagged and now they’re doing little to tag anyone else.

“I think both of us we’ll be in trouble if we don’t tag someone soon.” Bruce says reluctantly.

“I suppose your right.” Elizabeth muses. “Yet the being in the midst of your ceremonies seems quite disagreeable.” She pulls at her gown. “At least they are while I’m still in my evening best.”

Bruce chuckles softly.

“If I’d known what kind of competition this was, I’d have worn something different as well. You’d be forgiven if takes a while for you to stop feeling out of place here.”

“That’s putting it rather softly.” Elizabeth says. “Truthfully I find most of the formalities of my time excessive and still I’m put off by the bluntness of your world.”

“This isn’t my world.” Bruce says. “Actually, my world would be closer to yours.”

“Is that so?”

“Life in the upper class never changes really. Even if it did back in Gotham the only real source of innovation is crime.”

He gives her a smile.

“If I could offer some advice, I’d recommend trying to take advantage of the situation. Let loose a little. Enjoy yourself for once. It’s not like anyone from your home will be watching.”

Elizabeth returns his look with a beleaguered smile.

“Easier said than done.” She admits. “I’ve nineteen years of preconditioning to make amends for, and even if I were to forget them tomorrow, I’ve doubt I would miraculously gain the same need to be engaged in my surrounding as some of my sisters.”

Bruce shrugs. “You never know until you’ve tried. You might end up surprising yourself.”

“HEY!”

Their attention turns to Guzma, who’s just come running.

“What are you two doing standing around?”

“Just brainstorming.” Bruce says.

“We don’t need you wasting your time with that.” Guzma points at a latter behind him. “The kid with the backpack saw one of those professor type ladies head up there! Now get moving before you’re disqualified!”

“Yes sir.” Bruce says. He gives Elizabeth one a parting smile.

“I’ll handle this. Nice speaking to you Miss Bennet.”

“Likewise.”

And with that Guzma and Bruce start up the ladder. Bruce once again seemingly struggling with the physical aspect of the challenge. Elizabeth smiles to herself as he wipes his brow and removes his suit jacket. Then her smile disappears, and there’s a reassessment in her mind that will stay with her for some time.

Without his bulky jacket she can get a better picture for Bruce’s figure through his yellow shirt, it’s not the figure of a man who should be as unfit as he’s been acting. Quite the contrary.

At once the truth becomes apparent to the young Miss Bennet.

Bruce Wayne was hiding something.

…

Shego’s barreling through the course with Raggedy Ann perched on her shoulder when they nearly run into Wallace and Max.

“Well, it if isn’t the newest star of my deprived fantasies.” Max says. “…And also, a child’s play thing. Strange mix.”

“Can it.” Shego says. “Whe-“

“Slow down.” Wallace interjects. “First things first.”

He and Max make the chopping motion.

“I know. I tagged you two remember?” Shego says impatiently. “Now-“

“Make the motion too.” Wallace says.

“You already know we’re it!”

“We got a system here lady so chop chop.” Max says.

Shego groans in exasperation.

“It’s like talking to a room full of Drakan.”

She and Raggedy make the same gesture.

“We are running down the clock here so you two better tell me you’ve been busy.” She says.

“Course we’ve been busy.” Max says. “Me and my temporary partner have been doing the rounds, gathering priceless intel.”

“According to the gossip on the ground it’s just Gamer Girl, the cyclops and pigtails that haven’t been tagged yet.” Wallace tells them.

They’re a great deal of noise and what sounds like a war cry from Meg Griffin before Entrapta calls.

“Ah! Never mind! She got me!”

“That leaves three people.” Wallace says.

“With just five minutes.” Raggedy says. She giggles cheerfully. “Oh this is going to be a tricky one.”

“Not helping!” Shego snaps.

…

The entire course the contestants had been placed in was largely split into four chambers, of which platforms and tubes and all sorts of things to jump around and scurry through connect them. However the walls separating each part of the map didn’t run the entire way to the ceiling, and there was a few structures and overhangs where one could look down on most of the space at once. For the past fifteen minutes Fry and Leela have been doing exactly that. Siting on the top of a large jungle gym-esqe tower and watching the chaos below.

“Anyone see us?” She asks.

“No. They’re distracted with that girl.” Fry says, watching below as about a dozen contestants go running through the maze after Miko like a wolf pack on a young caribou. “Hiding up here was a great idea.”

“I figured if hiding in the ceiling worked out for the others then this time we ought to give a try.”

Fry seems to be only half listening. He’s leaning over the ledge watching the pandemonium below.

“They got her!” He cries.

“Fry not so loud!” Leela scowls.

“Sorry…” He says ruefully. He looks again. “Aw crud, someone’s looking… Now there gesturing at me.”

“Well don’t gesture back.”

“I have too.”

He makes a chopping motion. Leela recoils.

“Fry you’re it?”

“What? No! This is the sign for not It.”

“It’s the other one Fry.”

“Crud! I got them mixed up! No wonder people haven’t been paying attention to us. I’ve been giving them the wrong sign the whole time we’ve been up here.”

“Well don’t stop now.”

Fry hasn’t heard her. He’s already leaning over the edge and cried.

“Up here! I messed up!”

He makes the swiping motion, then watches.

“Oh yeah. That got their attention.”

In spite of herself Leela looks as well and sees the others converging on them.

“Fry…” Leela moans.

Down below Shego points up at the couple.

“GET MOVING PEOPLE! We got one minute left.”

“No chance someone’s making it time.” Steve says.

“Then out of my way!”

She starts bounding on the tower.

“What do we do?” Fry asks.

“Shut up and try not to be heavy.” Leela says.

She scoops him up and runs towards the ledge.

“Wait! Leela! I don’t know about THIS!”

Leela leaps. Barely catching an overhang with her free hand. She swings her body and using its momentum throws Fry onto another platform further out. She rocks back and forth with as much force as she can. There’s a metallic grown from where the platform connects to the ceiling. She swings one last time and jumps just as it gives way and crashes to the ground. She lands safely on the other platform with Fry just as Shego reaches the top of the tower they had been hiding on.

The villainess sets eyes on them, on what Leela had done to evade her, then growls again in frustration.

“Okay! Uncool move alright!? Seriously uncool move!”

“Come over here and tell us that to our faces.” Leela challenges.

“Watch me!” Shego says.

She leaps off the tower and comes just short of them, landing in a roll on the top of the wall segment below.

“THIRTY SECONDS SHEGO!” Chris booms over an intercom.

“Throw me at them.” Raggedy urges.

“I don’t need your advice right now short stuff!” Shego warns the dolls.

“Oh come on. I’m used to being bounced around.”

“No!”

“You’ll never make it on your own.” The doll pleads innocently, Shego gives her a very dangerous look.

“What was that?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You guys didn’t forget about us did you?” Fry asks, sincerely.

Shego’s patience seems to break. She screams and hurls a ball of energy up at him. A moment later she realises her mistake.

“Ah, great.”

“And just ten seconds from the end of the round, Shego’s disqualified for using her powers. Which… according to the rule I’ve just now made up to save time… means that the original taggers lose!”

Cheers erupt from below.

“Ah well. At least we had a lot of fun didn’t we Shego?” Raggedy Ann asks. Shego gives the doll an exasperated look.

“Is too late to throw you?”

…

Fry and Leela are rescued from the ceiling and the group reconvenes, Shego looking sullen. Conner and Chris rejoin them and they’re lead through another doorway. This one leads to an empty field glowing with fireflies. The sky above them filled with thousands of stars.

“Straight ahead.” Chris says, pointing them to another wooden door standing conspicuously a hundred metres ahead of them.

“Thank goodness we get to send home Shego.” Katara says. Tenpenny casts a look of mild interest at her.

“That who your voting for?”

“Well yeah…she’s obviously bad news. I’ve already dealt with people like that back home. I’d be a lot happier not to put up with one on my team.”

“She’d be more useful than a little dolly.” He says.

“She’d be more a threat too.” Leela argues.

“I’d think we’d do a lot better without that kind of person around.” Bruce agrees.

“Yeah, she might be trouble if she makes it past the merge.” Tenpenny admits. “But let’s put it this way, were about to form teams after this vote. What happens if the other team gets Dracula, that big ass bird thing, and maybe the crayon girl, and you ain’t got one on your team superpowers because Shego’s gone? How do you think the challenges are gonna go?”

“I don’t think they’d make the teams that unbalanced.” Bruce says.

Tenpenny shrugs causally.

“Only thinking out loud here. You’re welcome to disagree Wayne. Just…Consider what I said food for thought.

…

The door on the opposite end of the field leads to another sitting room like the one they had originally been shown too, but more spacious and modern in décor with a high ceiling and red wallpaper.

Twenty-three chairs are arranged in a U shape, in each of which a contestant is seated. Behind them there’s a roaring fireplace.

On the other side of the room is the wall is filled with twenty-three hand painted portraits of the contestants each with a light illuminating it. Beneath them there’s an unamusing door with a glowing ‘EXIT’ sign.

Chris, Conner and Rodney stand before it.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.” Rodney says. “I would be more than contented to have each of stay here in my humble adobe for a long while. Alas… the rules say that for some of you, this must be a short visit.”

“Welcome to the eviction lounge.” Chris says. “If you play this game right you’ll be seeing this place as little as possible. This is not a room of honour, it’s a place to seriously be avoided dude, and try as hard as you might, for all but one of you, your chances at a five million dollars will end here. But for now most of you are safe so enjoy the cozy atmosphere while you can.”

“It a little big for my taste but I like the décor.” Wallace says. “Nicely done.”

“Thank you.” Rodney says.

“Back at Camp Wawanakwa and all it’s many derivatives I made a habit of giving every safe camper a marshmallow as a reward for surviving another round of the game. Sometimes in some of the more out there seasons we’d mix up the treats and give out chocolates or peanuts instead. Conner of course being a weaker host than me used to give out nothing.”

“I gave them marshmallows once!”

“Fortunately for you guys this season we’ve got something more befitting an extended stay at home than campfire marshmallows. Home baked chocolate cookies!”

The two princesses emerge with trays of baked goods. They go about handing them out to the enthusiastic houseguest until all but Shego and Raggedy have been given one.

When they’re trays are all but empty they go to stand by the hosts. Peach hands the one leftover to Chris who holds it up.

“Only one safety cookie left. Shego. Raggedy Ann. You two were the only ones on the ballot today. One you’s about to be the kicked out before we even decide teams. That must feel rough.”

“Just make this quick.” Shego says looking bored. “Maybe if I get back home early I can go punch Kim Possible off a skyscraper or something to make myself feel better.”

“When I call your name, you will stand and walk out the Backdoor of Shame, and you will leave the Rodney House. And you can’t come back eh-ver.”

“Well perhaps for a causally visit.” Rodney says.

Chris squares his vision on Raggedy and Shego.

“First out of Total Drama Homespun is…

…

…

…

…

…

“Raggedy Ann!”

Shego looks mildly surprised. “Huh.”

“Oh dear… I was hoping it wasn’t me.” Raggedy sighs.

She stands and turns to the others, quickly recovering.

“Well… even if was just for a while, it was very nice to make your acquaintance everyone. Maybe someday we’ll all get to play together again.”

She curtseys, then bows, then with a final wave and smile, she leaves. The moment she does the light on her portrait goes out.

“I feel somewhat bad haven’t done that.” Zelda admits. Sitting next to her Meg shrugs.

“I just feel bad all the time. Like non-stop.”

“Then let’s bring on some good news.” Chris says. “So remember that special reward? Originally if the runners won I was gonna leave it up to a vote. However, since they were the last two people untagged, I’ve decided to award Fry and Leela…”

“Yes!” Shouts Fry.

“…The prestigious honour of competing against one another as our new team captains!” Chris finishes with a smirk.

Fry falls to his knees.

“NOOOOooooooo!!”

Chris laughs. “You two have tonight to think things over. “Until then, I’ll show you where you’re sleeping tonight.”

Chef emerges from a hidden door in the wall and ushers everyone inside. The staff and contestants slowly trickle of the room. Shego linger towards the back of the crowd.

Suddenly someone grabs her shoulder.

“You’re welcome by the way.”

She spins around.

It’s Tenpenny.

“For what?” She asks frowning at him.

“For saving your sorry ass just now with some well-placed PR.” He says.

“What? That was you?”

She’s still giving him an unfriendly look.

“Why?”

“Just a friendly gesture. Looking out for my fellow man and all that sh*t. I’m a real nice guy.” He insists. His upper lip curls. “You should be grateful I’m so generous. If I wasn’t one might just say that you’re indebted to me now.”

Shego folds her arms disinterestedly.

“Alright enough with the ego stroking. Let me guess? You want a henchwoman to do your evil bidding? I get that right?”

Tenpenny recoils with mock offense.

“Hold up now. Who said anything about evil? I just like to be pragmatic, nothing immoral implied.”

“Uh huh. Sure? So what do I do and who do I do it to?”

Tenpenny chuckles. “Easy there woman. All I’m saying is sometime in the next couple days… you and I our gonna have ourselves a talk.”

…

The contestants stand there. Most of them were their jaws hanging open.

They’ve been lead into a grand foyer, decorated similarly to Rodney’s Study. All about them, balconies, and books and columns.

Down separate wings they see doors leading to all sorts of amenities. Upstairs there’s rows upon rows of private bedrooms.

“This is where we’re staying!?” Meg gapes faintly.

“My personal wing of the house,” Rodney explains. “Recently explained for you and your hosts benefit. I so hope it’s to your liking,”

“This is one of the most magnificent spaces I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Zelda says awestruck, her eyes dancing with excitement at the rows upon rows of books. Rodney smiles warmly.

“Thank you my dear. It’s for you to enjoy.”

“Oh yeah. Totally.” Chris says lightly. He coughs. “For now…”

“What was that?” Katara asks.

“Just clearing my throat.” He assures them. “Now what are you people standing around for? Go enjoy yourselves.”

They contestants disperse scarcely believing their luck. Chris laughs and turns to the audience.

“And so begins a new seasons. I just love the feeling don’t you?

Sure. We didn’t start off with a bang this time. No falling hundreds of metres onto dangerous sea life, but only because that idea got shot down by the party poopers. Don’t worry though, they won’t be getting away with that again!”

He chuckles sinisterly.

“I’ve got a whole lot of fun planned for these guys. So join us next time, when we see which of these losers Fry and Leela pick to be teammates. There’s in for some tough picks good and bad. Not to mention the stress of competing against one another. But at least now that we’re down to twenty-two guests, things we’ll be even.”

“That reminds me…” Max says walking up behind Chris. “Now that we’ve got a place to stay, I can finally unpack.”

He lays his briefcase on a couch and flips it open, then sticks his arm shoulder deep into the nearly flat piece of luggage.

“I know my little good luck charm’s in here somewhere. Ah! There it is!”

He tugs hard and out of the suitcase pops out the head of a dog wearing a fedora.

“Economy class sure isn’t what it used to be.” He says gruffly.

“I’ll say.” Max agrees. “Need a hand there?”

“I think I can manage.”

The head squirms then an arm emerges, then another, then a torso until slowly an entire dog in a forties style grey suit pulls himself out of the luggage. He stands there looking around curiously. He’s at least twice the size of Max.

“Thanks for the lift there partner.”

“Anytime. Just don’t ask me to do it again. Lugging all that weight around was murder on my shoulders.”

Chris stares flabbergasted at the pair of them. He opens his mouth to speak but all that emerges is a resolute.

“…Huh?”

“Right where are my manners?” Max says. He gestures to his friend. “This is Sam. We go everywhere together.”

Chris lets out a tiny noise of incomprehension.

…

Back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. Laughing heartly to himself. He turns to the audience.

“Well everyone that’s our show for tonight. As a quick refresher, Chris is an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into, and If he thinks he can wrestle control of this show out of my hands he’s got another think coming. Also very bold of him to assume he can get the last word in when I’m the one that controls the cameras, and can hear and see every plot relevant thing he says or does.

He laughs again.

“Mclean can call himself the head honcho all he wants, but you and I know different. Soon enough he’ll figure out which of us wears the dress around here. Pun very much intended.

But I digress! A new season has began ladies and gentlemen! And I guarantee you the contestants won’t be the first ones to develop cabin fever. Until next time America! This is Conner O’Gleeson signing off for Total! Drama! Homespun!”

Chapter 5: Episode 2: Splitting the Vote

Chapter Text

Chris McLean is seated in front of Rodney’s study, his eyes on the audience.

"Last time on Total Drama! New season! New old host! After my absence from Total Drama Endless I'm back! And so is Chef.

Last episode we were introduced to our exotic new season setting, The Rodney House. A strange place out in space that knows how to get a lot of living space out of a tiny universe. We brought the party with twenty-three guests from across reality and then to keep them on their toes, we immediately threw them into their first challenge! The result... kind of disappointing honestly. Turns out no one here appreciates my style of challenge, so we played a bunch of children's games that totally could have been more dangerous. I mean seriously dude? If I can't drop my contestants fifty metres into a pool of piranhas why'd I even come back? Fortunately I've been making sure everyone else is on the same page so that my creative integrity won't be comprised from now on. Which is probably bad news for the contestants."

He chuckles sinisterly.

"Speaking of them! Last challenge ended with us picking to lucky team captains, couple of the future Fry and Leela, as well as two unlucky losers to be first up for elimination. Though it was a close vote between her and Shego, Raggedy Ann was our first contestant to go which... honestly, I'm pretty happy about. Those eyes of hers were creeping me out.

Who will be next to go, find out today on Total Drama Homespun!"

…

Morning has dawned on the first full day of the competition.

“It appears we’re being excluded.”

Conner O’Gleeson and Princess Peach look up. Rosalina has just sat down next to them.

“What was that Rosalina?” Peach asks.

“The others… they are conspiring without us,” Rosalina says pointing her wand.

They look.

The staff are seated in Rodney’s lavish dinning room for their first breakfast, The other principal members of the staff, Chris Mclean, Chef Hatchet, Rodney and even Jeremy and Daisy are all seated at the same table, near the tall windows overlooking what appeared to be a dense autumnal forest. Their heads together.

“Whatever could they be talking about?” Peach wonders. Conner grimaces pessimistically.

“I should probably check.”

He gets up and walks over to their table. The others stop talking and look up as he approaches.

“You know fellas. Much as I love a good secret, I tend to prefer to be on the inside of one if you catch my drift.” Conner says. Chris smiles back pleasantly.

“Don’t we all? Unfortunately, this one doesn’t concern you.”

“Oh really? Why’s that?”

“We came up with a great challenge for today but Chris didn’t think you’d approve so he wasn’t gonna tell you!” Daisy blurts out excitedly.

Chef Hatchet slams a hand over her mouth. Conner raises an eyebrow intrigued and looks to his associate.

“Jeremy sugarbear, is this true?”

Jeremy gurgles guiltily.

“Yeah, it’s true,” Chris says eyeing Conner smugly. “Oh, and FYI? Rodney, Daisy and your little friend here already gave the green light, so there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Conner chuckles.

“Gentleman I think there’s something of a misunderstanding here. Just because I wasn’t as big on the gross public humiliation on my season doesn’t mean I’m a Puritan. I like a good crazy challenge once and a while.”

“Well, you ain’t gonna like this one,” Chef tells him.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Conner insists. “Lay it on me!”

They give him the details for the day. After they’ve finished, he stands there in silence for a few moments.

“Huh…” He says finally. He laughs softly to himself. “Honestly I was expecting worse.”

“You approve Conner?” Rodney asks.

“Rodney you’re the squirrel of the house. If it’s got your blessing then I’m all for it.” He looks back over his shoulder. “Good luck trying to convince Peachy though.”

Chris stands up and cracks his neck.

“Leave that to me.”

He struts over to Peach and Rosalina, brimming with his ever-present pride then leans on Peach’s chair.

“Princess! Princess Peach! Can we talk real quick? Just the two of us?”

He flashes her a Hollywood grin. She giggles.

“Alright.”

“Good.”

He puts an arm around her shoulder and escorts her out of her seat and over to the windows with their remarkable views.

“So… Princess. How are you settling in? Being an intern’s pretty different than being a contestant isn’t it?”

Peach nods. “Oh yes. It’s a very big change. I’m very grateful I have my friends and subjects here this time.”

“Great! Great…” Chris says. “Course that’s not the only different thing this season. You got me back as host again, and my style’s… different from Conners.”

“Yes I saw yesterday-“

“Yesterday’s not my style,” Chris says bluntly. “You saw a little of my style back in Endless remember that?”

Peach’s smile hesitates however slightly at the memory.

“Yes, it was very… what’s the word? Overstimulating.” Peach says.

“…But not the worst you’ve seen right?”

“Oh no.”

“Good. Good. Well just to give you a heads up, starting today all these crazy dudes we got this season we’ll be going through something like that. Not that they’ve got anything to worry about because I’ve already seen forty-nine other groups run through this game, and like you said they’ve got you and your little mushroom buddies to help out, isn’t that right?”

“Right,” Peach says smiling again.

“Awesome,” Chris says. He pats her on the head then walks back over to the rest of the staff, he smirks broadly at the look of surprise on Conner’s face.

“See what I mean? Easy.”

Conner shakes his head in disbelief.

“Mclean, you got a talent for talking people into things.”

“Uh yeah. Hello? It’s my job remember?” Chris asks smugly. He chuckles to himself. “Now what are all we standing around for? Let’s get this show rolling already.”

…

Elsewhere in the massive guest quarters, several contestants, having awoken from their soft beds and eaten their fair share of their luxurious breakfast are bidding their time in Rodney’s pool and spa. Penny, Jack, Miko, and Meg currently frolicking under high ceilings and great marble statues of squirrels and acorns.

Slightly removed from their happy chaos Katara stands ankle-deep in the water, practicing her particular mastery over the element.

Some of the older contestants watch on lazily from their pool chairs. Among them the 31^st century couple, Fry and Leela. The two of them lying in a hammock nuzzled affectionally against one another.

Leela sighs happily.

“This is nice.”

“Yeah…” Fry agrees, stretching the statement out with a relaxed contentment.

Besides them Shego grunts in agreement. The Villainess lays on her back in a bathing suit and shades, trying to catch some sun coming down from the skylight above.

“I’m kind of hoping those idiots just forget about the contest and leave us in here.”

“I’m not,” Fry says. “I’m excited to make my own team.”

“That’s sweet Fry,” Leela tells him. “Just… try not to get your hopes up too high.”

Her boyfriend looks confused.

“Why not?”

“How do I put this delicately?” Leela asks herself. “My team will be led by me, someone who has years of experience as a captain… and your team will have you.”

“Why’s that matter?” Fry asks wounded.

Leela gives him a pitiable smile then kisses him on the forehead.

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter. It’s only a game,” She reaches out and pinches his check. “What matters is you’re going to have fun before you get kicked out.”

“Leela you don’t understand, I’m going do everything I can to win this thing,” Fry insists. “Mainly to impress you, but still-”

“Contestants!”

Chris’s voice comes booming from an unseen intercom.

“Meet us in the foyer in ten! It’s showtime!”

…

The staff are gathered and waiting for them when they arrive.

“Day two!” Chris says excitedly. “Housemates good to see you. I trust everyone slept well?”

“Like a dream,” Katara says.

“AWK! Vultureman’s night was most agreeable!” Squawks Vultureman.

“Glad to hear it,” Chris says. “I hope everyone enjoyed frolicking around here last night as one big happy family. Unfortunately, though it’s time to introduce a little discord into paradise. Fry and Leela! Can I get you dudes to come on over?”

The two walk forward to stand beside him.

“Ready for service! Sir!” Fry shouts, saluting.

“That’s what I like to hear!” Chris says. “Now let’s get some teams established. We’ll do this dodgeball style. Oldest goes first.”

“By a factor of a millennium that’s Fry,” Leela says.

“Fry go ahead and pick your first teammate,” Chris says. “But pick wisely, whoever you choose will be your partner in crime for at least half the g-“

“Vultureman!” Fry cries.

“Oh lord…” Leela says.

Vultureman lets out a squawk of importance, then flies over to Fry.

“Excellent choice!”

“Now we get to be friends forever!” Fry exclaims happily.

Vultureman caws cruelly.

“The Great and powerful Vultureman has no friends!”

“Then I’ll be your first.”

Fry’s avian ally bends low and screeches in his face.

“VULTUREMAN HAS NO FRIENDS!!”

“Alright already!” Fry cries, cowering.

Chris laughs at him, then turns to Leela.

“Your turn. Pick your first choice.”

“Yeah. Pick any of us!” Max says. “Just try not to separate me and Sam alright? I can’t stand being apart from the big fella.”

“Don’t worry Max. We already agreed you and your little uh ‘security object’ both count as one contestant.” Chris says. Frowning disapprovingly at the rabbit and his dog partner he smuggled in.

“That’s a relief,” Sam says.

Leela meanwhile is still deep in the throngs of contemplation. She rubs her chin as some of the competition vie for her attention.

“This is tough. Let’s see…. Bruce people say decent things about you. Want to be on my team?”

“If you want me then alright,” Bruce says, slightly surprised. He walks over to join her.

“Dammit!” Fry says. “Now Leela’s got two smart people on her team. I need some of those.”

In the crowd of contestants, Wallace Wells chuckles and swivels a cosmopolitan. “I think you’re fighting an uphill battle.”

“Good point.” Fry says “Hey you seem smart. Want to me on my team?”

Wallace sips his drink. Considers it for a moment, then shrugs.

“Sure. What’s the worst that could happen?”

He and Fry high-five. Leela turns back to the crowd. Again, some of the contestants seem eager to volunteer. Steve Harrington has both thumbs pointed at himself and a look of confidence on his face. Next to him, Miko has her hand in the air and his bouncing up and down.

“Me! Me! Right here! Pick me, dude!”

“How about that Steve kid?” Leela says.

Steve pumps his fist. “Woo! Fourth picked!”

“Dang it!” Miko cries.

“Who next?” Fry asks Wallace.

“I mean the vampire’s still on the table.”

“I figured we should save him for Leela.”

“Listen, buddy. I get she’s your girlfriend but this is a competition. Take all the tall strong handsome guys for yourself.” Wallace advises sternly.

“But we already have Vultureman.”

“Fry it’s alright. I don’t want the vampire anyway.” Leela insists.

“But he’s a vampire!” Fry says gesturing at Alucard, who as always was looming rigidly in the back of the crowd.

“Exactly,” Leela says with a tone of disgust. “I don’t want him hanging around my bedroom while I’m trying to sleep.”

“I beg to differ.” Says Wallace pleasantly.

“Alright,” Fry says hesitantly. “I guess we’ll take him.”

Alucard grins his fanged grin then unravels into smoke, reappearing behind Fry.

“Come on!” Miko says, her arm still in the air.

Fry does end up picking her in the end, as well as Katara, Guzma, Shego, Meg, Jack and Entrapta.

Leela meanwhile receives, Sam & Max, Gary, Tenpenny, Elizabeth, Olivia, Herlock, Penny, and Zelda.

Chris Mclean claps his hands together.

“Housemates you now have your teams for the season! I hope everyone likes who you’re standing with because you are going to be spending a lot of time with them dudes.

Leela, Sam & Max, Gary, Steve, Tenpenny, Elizbeth, Bruce, Zelda, Olivia, Herlock, and Penny, from here until the merge you guys are now officially The Seismic Supertasks!.”

Penny, Entrapta, Steve and Herlock cheer.

“Ah that’s great name it sure is!” Penny says. “Just one question? What’s a supertask?”

“A philosophical mathematic exercise involving the completion of a countably infinite number of actions within a finite set of time.” Olivia explains.

“Ah…” Penny says. “Lovely. Thank you.” She thinks for a moment. “I still don’t get it.”

Chris turns to other new team.

Fry, Wallace, Vultureman, Katara, Alucard, Miko, Guzma, Shego, Meg, Entrapta and Jack, your cabin is to the left. I officially dub you guys the Outlandish Ordinals!”

Katara, Miko, Meg and Fry cheer, as do Zelda, Wallace and Jack somewhat more modestly.

“Hey, what’s an ordinal?” Fry asks.

“An adjective relating to a type of numerical organization in set theory primarily used to extend a set past a countable infinity.” Olivia says.

“Very good. Doctor Octavius.” Rodney says beaming up at her.

“Why thank you.”

“Now who’d like to see your new cabins?” Chris asks excited.

“Or we could stay here?” Shego says.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“Would I like to stay in the mega-mansion? Surprisingly the answer is yes.” Shego says sarcastically.

“I’m sure you’ll learn to love your new home just as much.” Chris chuckles. “Jeremy! Be a good assistant and open the door out of here?”

“Hey use your own assistant!” Conner shouts.

“Fine. Chef!”

Chef Hatchet grumbles then walks over and yanks open the door.

It’s still a shock for the contestants, as they walk through the door that earlier had led them one place only to find it now leads somewhere else entirely. In this instance they find themselves standing in a clearing along a lakeshore, Surrounded by oaks and maples in their autumn hues. Three dingy cabins stand before them.

“It looks like a camp,” Jack notes.

“Oh, it’s not just any camp contestants,” Chris says gleefully. “Although Rodney’s taken some liberties. You’re standing in a detailed recreation of the original Camp Wawanakwa!”

Peach looks impressed. The Contestants however simply stare at Chris blankly. He frowns.

“Seriously? None of you know anything about this show’s history?”

“With no disrespect meant I wasn’t aware any of such sort of tournaments existed until I received your invitation,” Zelda admits.

“What she said,” Tenpenny says.

Some of the others murmur in agreement, Miko meanwhile seems outright distraught, she rushes up to the closest cabin and opens the door, an average summer camp cabin interior full of bunk beds greets her. She slams the door closed and looks accusingly to the staff.

“Dude! You could have given us anything! We could have all had mansions, or castles or custom clubhouses! Why! Why some smelly old cabins without a single outlet?!”

“It was my idea actually,” Rodney himself admits. “I wanted to give you all something simple. A place in my home that would be consistent, recognizable. I understand the changing environments can be disorienting and It was my wish to give you all some normalcy.”

“And they’re ain’t no place more down to Earth than Wawanakwa.” Chef says.

“We could have handled something stranger,” Leela argues.

“We have already seen the weird side of the house,” Wallace agrees sipping his cosmopolitan he’s had since last night.

Rodney chortles.

“You’ve barely scratched the surface of my house my dears. This are shallow waters we’ve dealt with so far, there are stranger, murky depths.”

“When do we get do those?” Miko asks suddenly intrigued.

“They’re probably for staff only,” Daisy says smugly.

“Actually, at the risk of disappointing everyone they’re for myself only.” Rodney says.

“Awww…” Daisy and Miko chorus. Rodney chortles again.

“I’m afraid I’ve other experiments that need be given their space. Never the less don’t feel restricted, there’s more than enough room in the shallow house for our competition, and if you’re still disappointed in your cabin then I believe Chris has something of a compromise prepared.”

“Bring it in boys!” Chris shouts.

Through the trees appear a dozen toads all driving a large crane. Suspended from its arm is a much more lavish cabin, two stories and pristine, which they promptly drop one of the existing cabins.

“This...” Chris explains. “Is the deluxe cabin, it’s got modern amenities, toad butler staff, breakfast buffet, whole nine yards. Every day, winners get to stay there, and the losers in addition to sending someone home have to make due without outlets as Miko puts it.”

“Reusing elements from Revenge of the Island and All-Stars…” Conner observes. “Very bold choice McLean. Me personally, I would have given them both a nice cabin, keep them well rested, maybe I’d even let them customize things throughout the season.”

“Sounds like another of your bad ideas.” Chef grunts.

“It does doesn’t it?” Chris agrees. “Now Housemates, anyone like to stay in the nice cabin?”

Most of the cast raises their hand. Chris smirks

“Well let’s see who gets first dibs?”

…

They walk back through the door they entered, finding that once again it’s changed, leading them now through a long hallway in what looks to be an industrial chicken farm, overfeed birds making a din and ruffling their feathers as they pass.

On the other side there’s a large rectangular room, blank, white and sterile, the only furniture some scattered chairs and sofas.

“Ordinals, Supertasks, you follow in the example of over a hundred pre-merge Total Drama teams before you,” Chris says. “From the Screaming Gophers and Killer Bass in Island all the way to the Fact Hunters, Shorty Squad and Flower Girls in Endless.”

He chuckles. Then turns to Peach.

“Princess, I understand team dynamics were pretty strong in Endless. Got any advice for the newbies?”

Peach nods solemnly and looks to the contestants.

“There were times in our game when everything seemed lost, and we needed to depend on one another. Had we not all been such strong friends by the end I imagine things would have become most unpleasant.”

“Nicely put.” Chris agrees. He turns his attention back to his cast.

“This challenge will test a lot of you bring to the table as a teammate. Things like your personal endurance and dedication to the game. It may also make you hate everyone on the other team, which would totally make for good television.”

“Chris I could never hate the other team.” Tenpenny chortles. “Nah, I feel sorry for the ass kicking we Supertasks are about to deliver on these poor mother f*ckers.”

“You wish old man!” Guzma sneers.

“Yeah Pig!” Meg cries. She gets in Tenpenny’s face and begins snorting obnoxiously.

“I don’t like that,” Tenpenny warns her in a low voice.

Meg suddenly shrinks back. “Sorry!”

Chris laughs merrily.

“Nothing like the sight of new rivalries. Now. Can I get Ordinals on this side, and the Supertasks over there?”

The crowd of contestants splits in half. Chris and his staff taking leave as they do.

For a moment the room is still.

“Now what?” Bruce asks.

A clear divider rises up, trapping the contestants on their respective sides. Chris reappears, this time on a large overhead monitor.

“We made the rules of this challenge nice and easy. There’re two exits to this room on either side, last team to stay here wins the deluxe cabin and immunity.

“Great, what’s the twist?” Shego demands.

“See that button?” Chris asks, directing their attention to two identical white buttons on each side of the room. “Those are your fun buttons. Hitting those will make something seriously bad happen to your opponents…”

Alucard, Guzma, Shego, Max and Wallace all immediately hit the button.

“…When the button lights up that is!” Chris clarifies with a chuckle. “After a while you’re all going to find this place pretty unbearable.”

Leela folds her arms confidently. “My team can take it.”

“Love that optimism captain, you’ll need it.” Chris grins. “Good luck!”

...

A few hours go by without anything happening. Leaving the new teams with little to do besides psyching one another up, and psyching their opponents out.

“Well gang, I’ve got good news,” Leela says pacing in front of her team. “Since you all got picked my me instead of Fry, you can confident that all the smart people in this game are on our side.”

“You don’t have any problem with us going hard on your boyfriends team?” Olivia asks sweetly. Leela smirks.

“I love Fry, but he’s hopeless,” She leans in and whispers. “It’s better to crush his dreams of winning now before he gets invested.”

“That can be arranged.” Tenpenny says.

“You hear that Ordinals!” Gary calls. “Don’t get comfy, because you’ll be out of this thing before lunch.”

Vultureman shrieks and lunges the clear divider. Gary cried out in horror and dives behind Elizabeth.

The great bird lets out a cackle of superior.

“AWK! The Great and Powerful VULTUREMAN Has never seen such PATHETIC PREY!”

“Be nice Vultureman.” Katara scolds.

“They’re the enemy,” Meg says gesturing to the Supertasks.

“They’re the competition, and they’re mostly nice people we hung out with all yesterday. I don’t want to start acting like a jerk just because of some made up teams.” Katara argues.

“This is Reality TV, everyone’s a jerk,” Wallace says, lounging on a sofa with his eyes closed. “That’s why people watch it.”

“Not everyone’s bad. There’s kids here.” Katara says.

“Exactly, have you meet children? They’re the worse.”

He opens an eye lazily and nods to Penny Crayon, who’s currently busy making faces at them.

“The awfulness of children aside, Katana’s right.” Fry says. “We can’t be too mean to Leela’s team.”

“Why because they’re led by your girlfriend?” Miko snickers. Fry nods.

“With all due respect captain, back in Team Skull we don’t waste time taking pity on the competition.” Guzma says gruffly.

Their button lights up. Guzma grins.

“Observe…”

The lights on the Supertasks’ side turn green, everyone waits, heavy with anticipation.

The door slides open, in walks Princess Peach carrying a baking tray.

“Who wants Christmas cookies?” She chirps.

The Supertasks crowd around her and take a few each. The Princess waves goodbye, leaves, and the lights return to normal.

The Ordinals stand there stunned.

“What kind of punishment was that!?” Shego demands.

Chris’s voice comes crackling over an unseen intercom.

“…Yeah, probably should have mentioned. There’s a rare chance when the button lights up you get something nice.”

“You didn’t tell us this why!?”

“Because it’s funny. Oh! By the way, there’s also a chance something really bad hits you. Something to look forward to.”

The Supertask’s button lights up.

“Would you look at that?” Max asks humoured. “Guess it’s our turn,”

“Perhaps since we’ve been given mercy, we could spare the others?” Zelda suggested.

“That’d be generous.” Katara agrees from the Ordinals side.

“I dunno, maybe a little generous.” Leela says.

“There’s no such thing as too generous!” Miko says.

“Please Leela.” Fry begs.

He, Miko and Meg all give her the Puppy Dog eyes.

Leela sighs. “Well…”

The button blares. Everyone turns to see Max’s hand flat on it.

“Max Little Buddy, why’d ya do it?” Sam asks.

“I just like the attention Sam.” Max says.

“Maybe it will be another good one.” Entrapta says hopefully.

The lights of the Ordinals side turn red. Mounted cannons emerge from the walls.

“Not a good one,” Fry says.

“Definitely not,” Jack agrees.

“Hit the deck!” Miko cries.

Ping pong balls begin firing at them in all directions. Miko scampering under a couch, Jack cowering under his book.

Shego grabs Meg and uses the girl as a shield, all the while Alucard stands in the middle of the room, utterly non pulsed by the shenanigans.

After a minute or two the barrage stops, leaving the room littered with little plastic balls.

Fry looks up.

“Is everyone okay!?”

“Feeling good, thanks.” Shego says, still holding a now bruise Meg.

“I’m fine,” The girl says. She coughs up a ping pong ball.

Their button lights up.

“Ah, sh*t…” Steve says.

“REVENGE!” Cries Miko and Vultureman at once, both lunging for the button.

The other side lights up red, some of the Ordinal’s cheer.

“Brace yourself for something unpleasant.” Bruce says.

Herlock laughs.

“Let them try there worse, It will take more than they can afford to dish out to stop the Greatest detective in England. I’ll lead us to victory even I have to do it alone.”

“Do have some faith in your companions Detective.” Elizabeth says. “We’ve the ability to handle more than it may seem.”

The ceiling opens up, tiny squirming black shapes poor from it.

“SCORPIONS!!!” Steve yells.

The team devolves into panic, Elizabeth makes an odd face, then closes the book she’d borrowed from Jack.

“Farewell everyone.”

She walks out the door, only Herlock seems to notice.

“Predicable.” He says, flicking a scorpion off his shoulder.

…

Several hours, several lit buttons, and several more rounds of horrible things later the Supertasks are under strain. After the scorpions came the spiders, then a clown, then spider clowns with scorpion tails.

Most of the crawling things were gone now. The big clown had done away with them. How? No one but Max had seen, and he’d said it “Wasn’t something Sam’d like me talkin’ about with the kid here,”

Speaking of the kid, Penny Crayon was doing well for herself. Peaking out at her team from the large shelter she’d drawn with her magic crayon.

“I swear I don’t mind making this big enough for all of us, honest,” She offers.

“Nice of you kid but we’re doing alright ain’t we folks?” Tenpenny says glancing around at the time. Besides Elizabeth they’d only lost Bruce Wayne. Everyone else was present and larging holding together.

“Nothing the fabled Herlock Sholmes can’t handle.” Herlock assures them.

“We’re alright,” Zelda agrees quietly.

“We’ve got this under control,” Gary says. “Some of us aren’t puss*es like the get along gang over there.”

He jeers towards the Ordinals side of the room, where their opponents are taking a different approach. Rather than standing out and exposed amidst hordes of spiders and clowns as a show of dominance, most of the Ordinals had pushed the couches together, stacked chairs and pillows on top of them and seemed to be having a generally good time of things in their fort.

“I told you, there’s an upside to being nice to each other.” Katara says.

“How you guys holding up!?” Miko calls to the Supertasks.

“Great man! Doing awesome, I could like spend another week doing this.” Steve says, trying to ignore the clown dancing behind him.

“Good for you, nice to know we’re all having a good time,” Entrapta says cheerfully.

The button lights up. Shego slams her fist down on it. She’d been camped out, leaning against the wall next to it for sometime. Ever since their side of the room had been showered with plastic building bricks no one had felt like walking around.

The Supertask’s side flashes red, and suddenly heats up, quickly become as hot and humid as a rainforest. Behind Steve, the clown, seemingly affected by the weather lets out a hardy circus shriek and bursts into a cloud of glitter.

Penny’s crayon fort sags, then melts into a pool of colour. She clicks her tongue disappointedly.

“Well that’s the end of me I suppose. Magic crayon’s no with any sort of moisture. Wicked good fortune then it is that you’ve all good this handled.”

“It’s cool, you can bail we’ll see you when this is over.” Steve says distractedly, whipping clown glitter out of his eyes. Penny salutes him.

“Splendid! Well, I’ll be off then! Good luck gang!”

“Three down, nine of us to go!” Max says cheerfully.

“We’re still doing alright right Captain?” Sam says.

There’s no response from Leela.

They group turns and spots her, quietly creeping towards the exit.

“Going somewhere Captain?” Olivia inquires.

“Yeah…” Leela says slowly. “You know since everyone’s clearly doing so well for themselves, I don’t think I’m needed here,”

“You’re abandoning us?” Zelda says surprised.

“What? No! I just lead better from the outside. I can still cheer you on from the sidelines. Make sure no one quits on us.”

“You’re quitting on us now man!” Steve shouts.

“The hell is this bullsh*t!?” Gary demands.

Tenpenny clears his throat sharply.

“Gentlemen it ain’t your place to question the captain.” He says.

Both teens begin to protest. Steve stammers.

“But she-“

“I consider it a badge of honor if the Captain got that much confidence in us that she thinks we can win a challenge without her guidance.” Tenpenny says. He gives Leela an odd look. “Course you damn well better be prepared for the consequences if we lose.”

Leela folds her arms.

“Thank you for the concern Frank, but it’s unnecessary. If we lose I’ll be sure to make a merciless example out of whoever’s fault it is.”

She leaves, Tenpenny watches her go.

“Make that two of us captain.”

“What’s happening over there?” Fry asks.

“Your girlfriend just bailed on us,” Steve says.

“What!? No she didn’t!” Cries Fry. “She probably just decided to lead from the sidelines.”

“She probably ditched you Suckertasks because of the humidity!” Miko taunts.

“Firstly, this humidity sucks alright?” Steve insists. “Secondly why the hell don’t you people have bad weather!? Didn’t you get a rainstorm at some point?

“Oh we did, Katara used her water magic to freeze the sprinkles shut though!” Entrapta cries.

The Supertasks button lights up. Steve presses it, he groans at soon as the Ordinals side turns green.

Princess Peach appears in their doorway. Another tray in her hands.

“Time for tea,”

“Oh yes please, thank you,” Jack says.

He and the rest of the Ordinals take a cup.

“Wow, working together is kind of making this challenge fun,” Meg says.

“I told you guys this was a better idea than trying to intimidate the other team.” Katara says. “Shego you should come join us!”

“I’m not partaking in any of your feel good friendship garbage.” Shego insists. Katara laughs slightly.

“Guzma said the same thing earlier but he’s come around.”

“If it gets us that mansion then you better believe Big Bad Guzma will sit through a tea party.” Guzma says gruffly, sitting in the pillow fort with the others.”

“Tea is lovely by the way thank you princess.” Entrapta says snipping the lilac-coloured beverage Peach had handed out.

“The lavender taste is wonderful; I just wish you’d brought a smaller cup.”

Fry smacks his lips and makes an odd face.

“Uh what’s in this tea anyway?”

“Oh yes…” Peach suddenly looks almost guilty.

“Something from the house some friends of mine discovered during our time here in Endless. I believe Rodney said it had… what was that big word he used? Prosperities vaguely similar to Psilocybin.” She seems proud of herself. “Yes, that’s exactly what he said.”

Wallace suddenly spits out his drink.

“Ah sh*t…” He says resignedly.

“What’s wrong?” Fry asks.

“Nothing that can be helped at this stage.” Wallace sighs.

“What’d you mean?” Meg asks.

A second later she bursts into flames. Several people cry out in alarm.

“MEG!?” Katara shouts.

“What!?”

“HOW long have you been a Firebender!!?” Katara demands outraged.

“Apparently five seconds ago, you got a problem with it? You wanna go!?”

“Do I!?”

She transforms into an ice princess as they two of them lift into the air and begin to battle.

“This is for my mother you hot headed jerk!”

“You never appreciated me dad!!”

“Guys! Guys! Stop!” Fry cries. He turns to the Princess Peach, only to find in her place two birds fighting inside a gilded cage. Shego has become a green blob of slime and goo. Guzma’s and Vultureman are having a breakdance competition. He turns to face the other team and finds monsters gawking at him.

“Who’s having a bad time now Philip?” They boom in one voice.

He yelps.

“I think something was wrong with the tea!”

Miko leaps onto the fort, now a pixelated sprite.

“What are you kidding!?” She demands, voice bit crunched. “I’ve never felt more alive.”

Her head swivels 360 degrees as she begins aggressively cheering on Guzma and Vultureman’s dance battle.

“What’s even happening anymore!? Why’s everyone turning into stuff?” Fry demands.

“I should have known they’d pull something like this…” The expanding clump of moss and foliage that used to be Wallace laments.

A loud bark draws his attention. He finds Jack behind him.

“Jack!? You’re a seal now?”

“Second time as a seal actually,” Seal Jack informs him. “I’ve never noticed how tasty you look captain,”

“What would you say that? What do you think I am? A salmon?”

Fry looks down at himself and find he is now, in fact, a salmon.

“AAGH!”

He looks up at Jack drooling down at him hungrily.

“AGGGGH!”

“Don’t eat him!” A pile of hair that vaguely resembles Entrapta demands. Seal Jack looks offended.

“Why!”

“Because I’m eating both of you! Aaaaaaaa!”

Large strains of hair unfurl and pull him and Fry towards a gaping maw.

“Even being eaten I’m still going to eat you!” Jack shouts. He bites into Fry’s belly. Fry howls.

…

“What the f*ck is happening to those kids?” Tenpenny asks, staring across the divider.

The Supertasks watch as Fry, pupils dilated and staring into space shouts at nothing. One of his arms extended. Jack hangs from it by his mouth, gnawing on Fry’s jacket. Entrapta meanwhile curled around her captain’s leg, gumming his jeans.

Behind them Vultureman lays face down on the ground, Guzma dancing aggressively over him and Miko cheers fanatically. Meg and Katara face away from each other, waving their hands about and speaking in a little voice.

“Woosh, woosh… fireball attack.”

“I’ll get ya. I’ll quench ya, Nothing's quenchier! I’m's the quenchiest!”

“Are they quite alright?” Zelda says.

“They’ll be okay,” Peach assures her.

…

It’s quite sometime before the Ordinals return from fantasy land. When Fry does, he finds his head spinning.

The room is a mess, piles of garbage everywhere about drenched in cold rain and yellow haze. The others lay around him, the scene overall looks like the aftermath of a really bad party, or a really good one, depending on what you’d call a good time.

“God what happened? You guys still alive? Groan once for yes, two times for no.”

This team lets out a prolonged groan. Fry listens for a moment then smiles.

“Okay good.”

“Welcome back to the land of the living Ordinals!” Tenpenny says cheerfully. “Hope you folks had a nice trip, sure as hell looked like fun.”

He and the other Supertasks seem to be in good spirits. Their side of the room still dreary but now much better off than the state the Ordinals are in.

“What happened to our room?” Meg says a gasp.

“Vultureman has reason to believe our opponents keep pressing their button while we were high.” Warbles the great bird from the floor. A lampshade over his head. ‘Dancing Queen’ written across his chest in sharpie.

“Who us?” Tenpenny asks innocently. “Nah… I mean I know I didn’t. Did you Gary?”

“Me officer? Take advantage of much of tripped out idiots? I’d never!” Cries the teen. He smirks. “That was all on Max.”

“I’m a simple guy. I see a shiny thing, I press it,” Max admits with a toothy grin.

“Oh and hey that reminds me while we on topic! Why did we get green lights for a bad role!?” Shego shouts up at the ceiling.

The intercom crackles to life they hear Chris laughing.

“Yeah… remember those really bad roles I teased? They also light up green like the good roles do.”

“WHY!!?”

“Because it amuses me greatly,”

Shego grits her teeth. Her fists surge with green energy

“Come down here and say that to my face!”

The Supertasks button lights up. Max gleefully presses it.

The lights of the Ordinals side go red and all of them are zapped with electricity.

Chris laughs even louder.

“YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!” Shego roars.

“I told you the buttons light up randomly. It’s out of my control.”

“Can I press it next time Chris?”

“Not so close to the mic Daisy they’ll hear you.”

“Wait, can they? HI GUYS! It’s me Daisy!”

The intercom goes dead. Leaving Shego fuming.

A soft chuckle draws her attention behind her. She and the rest of the team find Alucard there, grinning.

“How delighting pathetic.”

“Where have you been this whole-time man!?” Miko demands. “And what’s with the robe?”

Alucard is dressed in a fluffy white bathrobe with his long black hair up in a towel. In place of his usual opaque sunglasses there’s a pair of cucumber slices over his eyes.

“This challenge was proving much to easy so I quit several hours ago. In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying our esteemed host’s private spa.”

“Someone let you back in the staff quarters?” Wallace asks.

“Of course.” Alucard says. “Everyone who’s quits the challenge early is free to enjoy themselves there.” His grin broadens. “Though our host did mention this will be the last time we’ll likely be granted that privilege.”

Fry laughs.

“Big deal. I bet you the others guys are going to be really tempted by that. Fortunately no team of Philip J Fry’s so easily won over,”

The Ordinals glance at once another, then most of them make for the door.

“Guy! Wait!” Fry cries.

“Sorry captain!” Miko says. “But I could use a gaming session right now.”

“I can’t afford to let these books get wet,” Jack says apologetically.

“You got this captain, we’ll see you when this is over.” Wallace says saluting.

He closes the door, Fry’s left in a nearly empty room.

He sighs.

“Don’t worry Captain, you’ve still got us.”

He turns. Katara and Meg are still standing by his side.

“Don’t you guys want to hang out at the spa too?” He asks.

“Winning this challenge is more important.” Katara says.

“And I’m used to suffering.” Says Meg.

Fry beams at them.

…

The chance for more time in the staff chambers proves a great temptation for the Supertasks as well. Most of them begin trickling out one my one, Herlock Sholmes seemingly encouraging them. The detective has planted himself down cross legged in front of the divider, staring down the Ordinals.

“This Detective guy seems like he’s going to be tough to crack,” Katara admits.

“Don’t worry, I’ll outlast him.” Fry says.

“No you shan’t!” Herlock calls.

“Yes I shan!” Fry retorts. “Doing dumb, lazy stuff like this is my speciality. I spent two weeks on my sofa, didn’t move once, not even after the repo man came and brought it to the dump.”

“Yeah! You see this guy!?” Taunts Meg. “Our captain has this! Yours quit on you the second it got hard!”

“Shut up about my girlfriend,”

“Sorry,”

Katara smiles at Fry. “You two seem pretty close?”

“More than close, she’s the only person I love!” Fry says earnestly.

“What about your family?” Katara asks.

Fry grimaces.

“You got a rough home life too captain?” Meg asks.

“No my family’s alright… Or they were… I got frozen in a tube New Year’s Eve 1999. When I woke up it was New Year’s Eve 2999, and… well of course people don’t live a thousand years so…”

“Fry…” Katara says sympathetic. The captain gives her a bracing grin.

“Hey it’s alright. It’s just… You never stop missing them.”

Katara nods. “My friend Aang would know how you feel. He was frozen in an iceberg for a hundred years. He had to deal with a lot when he thawed out.” She looks aside. “Of course… he’s the Avatar to, that didn’t help.”

“I’ll say.” Fry agrees, obliviously. Katara looks down.

“My brother Sokka and I, we lost our mom during the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Fry says.

“Sometimes, my mom says she wishes I was dead.” Meg says cheerfully.

Fry and Katara stare at her silently for a minute.

“The nice thing about this house…” Katara says. “Is that no matter who we lost or what things are like outside, this is great chance to start over. Make new friends, maybe even find someone you cares about you.”

On the other side of the divider Herlock’s attention on the challenge is momentarily broken by a light sniffling to his right. He turns to find his only other teammate still in the challenge Princess Zelda. Tears welling up in her eyes as she watches the Ordinals.

“Are quite alright my dear?”

“Yes, fine.” She pleads, wiping her eyes. “The weather of this room is affecting me.”

“Ah…” Herlock says slowly. “If you’ve had enough my good lady, they’re no shame in bowing out.”

“What?” She looks surprised. “I couldn’t do that, our team, all their faith is in us. If I abandon you in your time of need…”

“Ha! That’s nothing for you to be concerned with!”

“But…”

“Have faith you’re highness I assure you everything is as it should be. With my genius intellect It’s mercilessly easy to follow the marvellously long-term Machiavellian maneuvering of our dear captain ever seen she left us! Ultimately it will all come down to me!”

“But I could be of assistant,”

“Assistant!? HA! Do you not trust the plans I’ve foreseen? Do you doubt the will of the captain!? Are you not loyal to the team!”

“I am!” Squeaked Zelda fretfully.

“Then go! Tend to yourself dear Princess! Leave me to my mission!”

“Thank you, detective,”

The Princess darted away nervously.

“They’re down to one guy!” Meg says excitedly.

Fry looks thoughtful.

“You girls want to go enjoy the spa for a while? I’ll take of this.”

“We didn’t get this far just to give up on you now.” Katara says with a little laugh.

“Ladies as your captain, I order you, leave this to me!” Fry declares pompously.

“We’re staying,” Katara says.

“Come on please!” Fry says dropping the formalities. “You guys have helped a lot but I can do this I know I can.”

The two girls’ glance at each other torn.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Probably.” Fry says. “Don’t worry about me. Go have fun.“

The girls hesitate for a moment, then turn towards the door. As they do Meg turns around.

“You’re a great captain Fry.”

…

Sometime later back at her chair at the staff pool Leela awakens from a nap feeling well rested.

“Lord I needed that.”

“No kidding,” Max says from the chair next to hers. “Little R&R after a long day of messing with those kids really does a Lagomorph good, I tell ya,”

Leela looks around, and blinks her single eye several times, the room’s much more crowded than it was when she fell asleep.

“How come everyone’s here? What happened to the challenge?”

“Came down to your idiot boyfriend and your idiot detective in the end,” Shego says.

“Of course,” Leela says rolling her eye. “Who won?”

“What do you mean won?”

…

“How’s he still doing it?” Penny asks incredulously.

“I believe the detective mentioned having exceptional constitution.” Elizabeth notes.

Both Herlock and Fry are in the same spot they’ve been sitting in the past six hours. Staring across the divider at each other silently. The rooms around them long devolved into wet, dark and miserable hellholes. Most of their teammates have returned to gawk in awe from the observation room.

“I thought he was just crazy.” Gary says.

“Straight up, you’ll call me a jerk for saying it but they’re both too stupid for this challenge,” Steve says. “We’re watching an unstoppable moron meet an unmovable dumbass.”

Some of the staff have made an in person appearance as well, equally mesmerized.

“They haven’t hit their buttons in ages.” Chef says. “We hit ‘em with a bunch more punishments but it did nothing.”

“These guys are tough!” Daisy says.

Jeremy gives a gurgling lament.

Elsewhere in the room. Bruce Wayne glances over at Leela. Their team captain looking nervous.

“Everything alright?”

“Who me?” She asks. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She’s not looking at Herlock, but past him at the other side of the divider.

“Worried your little boyfriend’s going to let himself die of exposure trying to prove a point?” Olivia asks.

“Of course not!” Leela says. “Fry’s not that stupid.”

She then reflects on the statement, then groans.

The Ordinals spirits are higher, a crowd of several of them have gathered.

“How you doing captain?” Wallace asks.

“Wet, tired and my nose itches again.” Fry reports without gusto.

“You can do this!” Katara insists.

“Yeah man! Win us the good cabin! You got this!” Miko cries. “Fry! Fry! Fry!”

The others join in the chant. Fry smiles feebly.

Across from him Herlock’s eyes narrow.

“Ms Tauranga I require your ear!” He proclaims suddenly.

“You better not be quitting!” Leela says.

“Answer me this do what lengths does your relationship extend with my opponent?”

Leela looks very taken aback.

“That’s none of your business.”

“I see. Tell me then for how long you’ve been in each others company?”

“Over ten years.”

“…and the man is obsessed with you would you say? Would do anything for your favour?”

“It can be a little annoying at times but yes.”

“Is that feeling that level of endearment mutual?”

“No! I mean… That’s um…”

Herlock sighs then rises to his feet.

“Damnation. Very well then. Stop the competition, for reasons outside of my control we have been bested.”

“WHAT!?” Cries Leela.

“You heard the man!” Chris shouts. Having materialized behind her. “Ordinals win immunity!”

The barrier disappears. Fry looks confused.

“What’s happening!? Did I win!?”

He doesn’t have much chance to get anything else in. Most of his team has just rushed back into the cell and have tackled him into a group embrace, all of them laughing and cheering despite the dirt and rain.

The Supertasks by very sharp contrast look immensely sour.

“What made you do it?” Sam asks Herlock.

“Yeah. What happened to the Machiavellian machinations you were all hot and bothered about earlier?” Max says. “You screw up and make a bad call or something?”

“Or course not my dear Lagomorph.” The detective says ringing out his soaked hunter’s cap. “The writing was on the wall. A lack of sufficient contexts made me overestimate our good captains’ willpower. Truth was it was already over before she left, Caesar had already crossed the Rubicon so to speak and all that was left to do was mourn the Republic.”

“How so?” Bruce asks.

“My enemy was a fool and adores our captain. However, our captain too is deeply infatuated with the man and love as they say my comrade makes fools of us all.

He would have stayed out there perhaps indefinably but her resolve to see him in harm’s way was far weaker. It was only a matter of time before our own captain would have ordered my withdrawal. A highly disagreeable scenario. The only play of action remaining to me to preserve my dignity was to forfeit myself.”

He smiles ruefully.

“It seems the reality of this place was out of sorts with my deduction. Beginner’s luck! I’ll be keeping a closer eye on you all from now on so that it may never happen again.”

“So now you think you’re allowed to be a creep as well?” Leela asks.

Her team member’s stare at her.

“What?” She asks defensively. “You heard the him. He admits it’s his fault we lost.”

“Actually, I think he’s suggesting that this is your fault.” Says Olivia smiling.

“Is not!” Leela cries.

“Well, it’s somebodies.” Chris says cheerfully. “Because I hate to break it to you guys, but you totally lost, which means you’ll be sleeping in your cabin tonight without any improvements.”

“We got that part, thanks man.” Steve says.

“There is a bright side though.” Chris says unhelpfully. “One of you won’t be around long enough to enjoy your cabin.” He laughs. “Supertasks I’ll see you tonight.”

He walks away leaving a palpable tension in the air.

“Great. Why’d you have to leave us captain?” Penny asks.

“You’re the one with the magic crayon, why’d you leave?” Leela counters.

The team seems to be on the verge of an argument. Tenpenny interjects.

“Alright now. Settle your asses down. It’s abundantly clear that some people f*cked us over today. Someone who said one thing then went back on it. However, I’m sure if they own up to their sh*t and apologize or some bullsh*t they might be given a second chance.”

“Thank you Tenpenny.” Leela says. “Herlock you heard the man.”

The others give her a dark look.

…

The warm cozy sitting room eliminations are held in feels all the more spacious now that they’re half the people in it as they was yesterday.

The Supertasks sit in their arm chairs by the fire, waiting.

Chris Mclean enters the room with the other staff. Theirs a predatory look in his dark eyes as he sets his sight on the contestants.

“Supertasks…” He begins.

“You dudes have the dubious honour of first team elimination ceremony. Unlike yesterday no one among you is immunity. The results were very interesting I must say.”

“How so?” Entrapta asks.

Chris grins smugly.

“I could elaborate, but I’d much rather show you…”

Peach appears with a tray of cookies, she hands them to Chris.

“When I call your name and throw you a cookie it means your safe. The houseguest that does not receive a cookie must leave the Rodney House immediately, and not come back.

The following people are safe.”

He begins to hand out baked goods.

“Penny…

Tenpenny…

Sam & Max…

Olivia…

Zelda…

Elizabeth…

Bruce…

Steve…

Gary…”

Each of them receives their treat.

Chris casts his gaze on the two contestants yet to receive anything.

“So. The two people with the most votes are the person that lasted the longest in the day’s challenge, and the Team Captain. Like I said, very interesting.

Herlock! You’re here because you decided to up and quit abruptly after like eleven hours. Thereby wasting everyone’s time. Leela! You’re here because according to Herlock, you were the one that made the team destine to lose. Mostly by not being a great captain.”

Leela rolls her singular eye.

Chris raises a finger dramatically.

“Person going home is…

…

…

…

…

“Leela!”

“NO!!” Leela cries. “That can’t be right!” She turns to her team dejectedly. “I was really that bad?”

“It hurts but it’s the truth.” Max says matter of factly.

Leela gapes at them in horror.

“I can’t believe it… Someone must have rigged the vote… I… I refuse to leave!”

“Princess I think we need you subjects again.” Chris says pleasantly.

“Very well.” Peach says.

She whistles. Two dozen toads emerge. The sweep Leela off her feet and begin carrying her towards the EXIT door.

“Wait!” She says desperately. “Can’t I say goodbye to Fry?”

“Let me think about it…” Chris says.

The toads hoist Leela up and toss her out the door. Chris shrugs.

“…Oh well. Too late.”

Above them the light on Leela’s portrait goes dark. Chris chuckles stratified then turned to the audience.

“And that…”

…

Back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. He presses mute and turns to the audience.

“…And that is where we leave off for today.” He chuckles. “Also yes, I’m still stealing the outros and will continue doing so untilled I’m physically stopped.

However while our cozy time together here is still free of McLean’s influence he’s won himself an tactical win today on the battle to control the challenges. Though admittedly I and everyone else on the staff are more willing to entertain his ideas when they don’t involve killer sea life. As far as Chris standards go today was relatively sane. If things keep up this way maybe we won’t have a problem. However knowing him I doubt it.

Anyway join us again next time to find out what Me, that old bastard Mclean, his two new virgin teams and the rest of us get up to, right here on Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter 6: Episode 3: The Rumble in the Rodney House

Chapter Text

Chris swivels around in his chair at Rodney's Study.

"Last time...On Total Drama Homespun!" He announced. "Our twenty-two contestants split themselves into teams to face off head to head in their first-time challenge. In was a war between the lover's, pitting 20th century boyfriend Fry's Outlandish Ordinals up against his 31st century girl Leela and her Seismic Supertasks. Surprising everyone, Fry's team took the lead, and even more shocking, Leela's gang took their anger out on their captain. Leela getting eliminated by the team she only just picked out.
Where will the Supertasks go without her, and how will Fry take this? Let's find out, right now!"

...

In the Main Lodge of a summer camp, on an island, in a room, in a house owned by a squirrel, perch on an asteroid, in the void of space, in a tiny starless universe… the newest cast of Total Drama have gathered for breakfast.

Chef Hatchet sits behind the counter, loading both teams’ trays with some rather poor excuses for meals.

“I’ve had school lunches better than this!” Penny exclaims.

“My slop’s kept fifty of the fifty-one batches of contestants from dying over the course of this crummy show,” Chef says with some pride.

“What happened the other season?” Wallace asks.

“Other season was Endless, and I was in charge,” Conner says appearing behind Chef sporting an apron and hairnet. “My crew had five-star breakfasts curiosity of Jeremy every day they were on my ship. He offered to cook for you again, but I guess McLean and Hatchet here prefer tradition.”

The contestants protest loudly. Chef glares at Conner who grins.

In a quiet corner of the room, sits Miss Elizabeth Bennet, currently regarding Chef’s cuisine with some caution.

“What a crock pot of sh*t my night was,” Gary complains, sitting down next to her. “Those crap cabin beds are like sleeping on a thousand splinters.”

“…I found them agreeable,” Elizabeth says reservedly.

“Gary!”

Steve Harrington has appeared, frowning.

“Watch the goddamn language around the classy lady.” He glances at Elizabeth. “This guy’s not bugging you is he?”

“Worried I’m going to shatter her dainty little worldview?” Gary challenges. “I got news for you princess, you probably figured it out by now, but the future’s a hellhole and this little contest of ours is filled to the brim with the cream de la cream of its sh*ttiest rejects.

“Hey! What I’d just say? Look? It’s Elizabeth, right? Don’t listen to this asshole, there’s some nice people here. Take me.” Steve puts a hand over his chest. “I mean I’m nice at least, nicer than Gary at least,”

“From my perspective, you’ve both very similar constitutions,” Elizabeth says.

“Five-minute warning!” Conner calls from the kitchen. “Challenge in five minutes! Put down whatever garbage Chef gave you and get ready for showtime!”

Elizabeth rises to her feet and leaves. Steve watches her go horrified. Gary laughs.

“The hell is she talking about?” Steve demands to no one in particular.

“Getting compared to me. Can’t say I think you’ve earned the compliment Harrington.”

“It’s The Harrington.” Steve corrects. “And with all due respect, back home I am way cooler than you.”

“Correction, you think you’re cooler than me, not that it matters because you’re not in your little Midwest town anymore Harrington. Here, you’re no one, and if you want to be someone, you’re going to have to work on that fast, friend.”

…

The contestants file out of their cabin.

Chris is standing at the foot of their cabins. The host today is wearing a grey hoodie, shorts, a blue baseball cap, sneakers, and a whistle around his neck. Behind him stand Peach and Daisy, both wearing T-shirts and shorts. To his side are Rodney and Conner, dressed as they always are.

“Would anyone like to guess what we're doing today?”

“Something like sports related?” Steve asks.

Chris blows his whistle and points at him.

“Steve wins our first points of the day!”

“Really?”

“No!” Chris says. “But you guess was right! Sports challenges are a time-honoured tradition of Total Drama, and Conner tells me that a lot of multidimensional seasons like to kick things off with a nice battle tournament early in the game. Today we’ll be drawing from both by having your very own boxing match!”

“You want us to fight each other?” Bruce asks casting a glance over at Vultureman and Alucard from the other team. Alucard grins at him.

“Do I want you to do? Totally! But unfortunately, the producers called and suggested that after getting a kid high on hallucinogens we cool in with a child endangerment a little.”

“God forbid,” Conner says.

“Way to spoil to party,” Max says to Jack.

“It wasn’t my fault!” The boy protests.

“Don’t worry!” Chris assures them. “Even if I didn’t get the exact challenge I wanted I still took it upon myself to program everything else personally, being there’ll be no more candy piranha incidents around here.”

“AWK! Who will be our sparing partners then?” Vultureman demands.

“That’s getting ahead of things,” Chris says. “First you guys are gonna have to get in shape. We’ll have two training rounds. Each with half the team participating. The two people from each team that do the best in training will be the boxers. Ordinals! Since you’ve got one player extra you can have someone sit out today.”

“Fry should sit out if he wants to,” Katara suggests. “I think he’s earned a day off after yesterday.”

Most of her teammates agree. Fry shrugs.

“I don’t mind sitting out. I can spend my time talking with Leela. Hey, where is she anyway?”

Bruce Wayne grimaces. “This is a little awkward. But she’s gone.”

“That’s alright I’ll wait for her to come back.”

“I mean she was voted out. I’m sorry.” Bruce clarifies.

“Oh,” Fry says.

He stands there placidly for a moment. Then his eyes widen with horror.

“WHAT!!?”

He lunges at Bruce, clinging to his collar.

“HOW COULD YOU GET RID OF LEELA!!? SHE’S LEELA!!”

“With all due respect, have you ever considered that your little girlfriend’s just slightly insufferable to be around?” Olivia asks sweetly.

“SHE’S NOT INSUFFERABLE! YOU ONLY KNEW HER FOR A DAY!!” Fry anguishes. “THAT’S AN INCREDIBLY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME TO TRY AND GRASP THE FULL CONTEXT OF SOMEONE’S CHARACTER!!”

He begins weeping into Bruce’s chest. Bruce glances around.

“…Could someone get him off me?”

Peach nudges Fry off Bruce gently and lets him cry on her shoulder.

“There. There. You’ll see your special one again before you know it.”

Fry cries harder. Peach looks up at Chris.

“He’ll be fine. He just needs some time.”

“Let him take all the time he needs. This is hilarious.” Chris chuckles. He turns back to the others. “As for all you houseguests not suffering from a broken heart. Follow me.”

…

They’re led into another room. One with a dense red fog as thick as soup obscuring everything beyond ten metres. Strangely what looks to be manatees are swimming through the air, beneath them on the ground is a feast to make the halls of Valhalla envious. A long table stretched into the horizon on both ends, completely filled with a sampling of every sort of food imaginable.

“First thing about athletes is they need to eat,” Chris says. “Protein, carbs, vitamins, they’re all important for staying in peak shape. In this feast before me are two keys, one with each team’s name on them. You’re going to have to find them by sorting through the food, and by sorting I mean eating. Oh, and your hands will be tied behind your back because most of the fun of this show is watching people make a fool of themselves on TV. Any questions Houseguests?”

“Yeah, I’ve got one,” Wallace says swivelling a cosmopolitan he seemingly always has with him. “What’s with the manatees?”

“I... uh… good question,” Chris says. He turns to Rodney. “Why are there manatees in my feasting hall?”

Rodney chortles. “You didn’t request a feasting hall, Christopher. You said you wanted me to generate a feast.”

“Okay…” Chris says slowly. “So, what’s with the manatees?”

“Rodney House 101 McLean. You got to be specific.” Conner tells him.

“My algorithms tend to be inventive when they’re allowed to fill in the blanks on their own,” Rodney says.

“Please tell me you were just as vague with the other rooms?” Conner asks gleefully. Chris’s eyes narrow.

“I don’t have to answer that.”

Conner laughs mercilessly.

“You stupid, stupid Idiot.”

He sighs and wipes a tear from his eye.

“Suddenly I’m really excited about today.”

“Entrapta, Miko, Meg, Guzma, and Wallace you’re eating for the Ordinals,” Chris says ignoring Conner. “Steve, Bruce, Zelda, Penny and Sam or Max, you’re the Supertasks eaters.”

“That’ll be you, little guy,” Sam says to Max. “I don’t want to get any sauce on my best suit.”

“Fine by me, I’ve been starved all morning,” Max says.

“You didn’t have breakfast?” His friend asks.

“Gee, I tried to Sam. But it grew a pair of legs and walked off my plate.”

“Can I do the other challenge?” Entrapta asks raising a hand, or rather a pigtail. “I only eat tiny food.”

“Let me think about it,” Chris says. “Nope!”

“Pretty please?”

“Oh of course you can,” Rodney says.

“Dude!” Chris says.

“I can say no to a fellow inventor.” Rodney pleads. “We had such a lovely conversation yesterday while she was visiting the staff chamber.”

“Fine,” Chris says. “Shego. Take her place,”

The contestants take their places. Chris blows his whistle and they’re off.

The Ordinals take to the feast ravenously. Miko actually lunging onto the table to reach some of the food furthest from the edge.

“Hey, Martini glass! Pick up the pace!” Shego calls to Wallace, who’s lagging behind his other teammates.

“I don’t know when they’re going to give us edible food again,” Wallace says between mouthfuls of the garlic bread he’s been sampling. “I’m gonna enjoy this.”

Meanwhile, the Supertasks are making respectable progress. Zelda is doing quite poorly, Bruce is seemingly a little hesitant but Steve devours everything before him shamelessly. Max barely seems to be chewing. Food disappearing down his wide mouth as if it were a black hole. Then there’s Penny.

“Sweetie, may I ask exactly what you’re doing?” Tenpenny asks her coldly. The girl’s leaned back in her seat with a look of satisfaction.

“Just done a bit of backhanded drawing I have.” She quips showing Tenpenny the crayon grasped in her bound hands.

Tenpenny looks over to see five lopsided obese male figures devouring their way through the feast.

“Came out a bit wonky because of the hand ties but I still think they’re doing a bang-up job don’t you agree Dennis? I mean Officer?”

Tenpenny seems confused. “You drew fat white guys?”

“Not quite,” Penny says. “I figured I ought to draw the most gluttonous creatures I could picture, Americans!”

“BASEBALL! APPLE PIE! UNCLE SAM!” Gurgle the creatures.

Penny laughs loudly. Tenpenny gives her a deeply unamused look.

Across the table, Guzma glances up at both of them indignantly. “Hey! Why is she allowed to do that?”

“Chris never said I couldn’t he didn’t.” Penny protests.

“That doesn’t always mean such things are allowed.” Alucard purred from the back. He strolls over to Chris.

“Care to tell us what the rules are today Christopher?”

“Powers are fine today dude,” Chris says looking into the vampire’s red eyes with only the slightest touch of apprehension.

“In that case, someone grab me one of Pokeballs,” Guzma says. “My Toxicroak normally has a good appetite.”

Jack reaches into Guzma’s pockets and with some instruction from the trainer releases the monster within. A large bipedal turquoise amphibian appears in a burst of light and at the command of Its master begins to devour everything before it. Miko jerks her head up from the bowl of potato chips she had it buried in.

“Wait, wait, wait whoa! We can use summons?”

“I’m surprised more people don’t,” Guzma says. “Pokémon are everywhere back in the Alola Region, and everyone follows the battles. Now I’m the only one here who’s ever heard of them. You have any idea how strange that is?”

“Well heck! I’ve got something like that!”

She runs off excitedly.

A moment later Steve slams his hand down triumphantly. Key clenched in his fist.

“GOT IT!”

“Steve wins for the Supertasks!” Chris declares.

Steve cheers.

Max looks over in disbelief, the rabbit’s stomach having visibly extended from the seemingly impossible amount of food he managed to get down.

“No kidding. How’d you ever get it before I did?”

“Like Chris said. I focused on the healthy stuff, carbs and vitamin and that crap.” Steve says. “As in like the stuff athletes actually eat.”

“Well, there’s my problem. My area of expertise is junk food.”

He belches loudly.

“I think that’s your problem in more ways than one Max.” Sam notes.

“I’d said it’s more Future Max’s problem.” Max insists.

The door to the room opens and in rides Miko on the back of a large red and yellow ostrich-like bird.

“Boom! Summon!” She declares.

Guzma gives her a look of mild surprise.

“Is that a Pokémon?”

“Assuming you ask exactly zero follow-up questions then yes! Totally is!”

Miko hops off its back and nuzzles the bird affectionally.

“Like her? Her name’s Ally.”

“What Pokémon type is that thing?” Guzma asks.

“What did I just say about follow-ups dude!?”

Guzma gives her a weird look.

“I can’t tell if you’re intentionally mocking me. But it doesn’t matter. Toxicroak is trained far better than your Ally.”

“Wanna bet?” Miko challenges him.

Guzma merely smirks and jerks his head upwards. Miko looks up and gasps.

Her pet has somehow managed to climb atop one of the floating manatees.

“Ally! Get down from there!”

The bird warbles some opaque response and begins pecking at the algae on the manatee’s back.

Then she makes a gesture that confuses some of the others, pressing a finger onto her wrist as if she was expecting some kind of screen to be there, then pauses, seemingly reevaluates, and looks around.

“Uh… Vultureman? Can you do me a solid?”

“I REFUSE TO HELP YOU REENSLAVE THAT FELLOW AVIAN!” Vultureman squawks indignantly. “SHE HAS EARNED HER FREEDOM!”

Miko pouts and flashes him the Bambi eyes.

After a few moments of resistance Vultureman caws in disgust and brings her her pet.

Miko laughs.

“Knew even you couldn’t resist the eyes you big softie.”

Vultureman screeches at her. Her only response is to give him a friendly nudge on the shoulder. That seems to confuse the bird monster.

Miko turns back to the feast. “Now Ally! Go-“

“No need.” Guzma interrupts her. He has the key in his hands. “Toxicroak found the key two minutes ago.”

Miko looks utterly shocked.

“Dude! How!?”

Guzma jerks his head towards Steve. “That boy on the other team told everyone the trick when he won.”

Miko seems stammers flustered.

“Yeah… but… I was out…”

“Then next time don’t leave. Be more prepared.”

…

Chris leads them down another hallway. Hallways in the Rodney House seem to take as much delight in being odd as the rest of the house does. Currently, this one seems to be an enclosed, damp and impoverished alleyway devoid of all-natural light with a mid-twentieth century Cantonese esthetic, right down to the seemingly normal children gawking at them from the doorframes.

“Hey, Squirrel I thought you said your home didn’t have people in it? What gives?” Shego asks.

Rodney chuckles.

“It doesn’t. But it’s more than capable of creating life-like machines to fill the void.”

A child runs up to Shego and smiles at her. With a burst of energy from her fist she causally blows its head off, revealing circuitry and metal beneath its lifelike exterior.

“Huh. Look at that. They are robots.”

She’s suddenly aware of her team, most of whom are staring at her horrified.

“What?”

One of the backdoors leading into the ally opens and out steps Peach and Fry. The Ordinals Captain still with his head hung low, though he’s no longer crying.

“Is he better?” Zelda asks. Peach nods happily.

“Yes, we’ve had a nice talk the two of us and I think he’s come around. He’ll be fine tomorrow he just needs today to work through his emotions.”

Zelda smiles at her. They hadn’t interacted much since the first that but for whatever reason she had at once liked the other princess.

“I suppose it’s good at least one team should have a captain. Perhaps we would still have one if I hadn’t abandoned the detective.” She sighs disheartened. “I believe I’m rather in over my head with this game.”

Peach gives a little musical laugh.

“Oh, you’re doing fine. I felt the same way at times during Endless. This adventure will come to you in time. Until then, I’m always here to talk to.”

Zelda gives her a wounded smile. “Thank you, Princess.”

Peach beams at her and makes to curtsey, finding she is unable to because of her T-shirt and shorts. She flashes Zelda an unapologetic look then went to rejoin Chris who had just turned around to address them.

“Being a boxer or any kind of athlete takes more than a balanced diet, it also takes a little physical strength. So, for your next training challenge, you will be running a race while carrying something heavy.”

“Carrying what persay?” Elizabeth asks.

“Yeah Chris, tell us about it?” Conner asks keenly. Chris hesitates.

“Uhhhh… stuff?”

They reach the end of the hallway and open the door.

They’ve entered into a basaltic valley, black with ash and rimmed with smouldering volcanos. There next to them is a giant nest of what looks like-

“Emu eggs?” Chris asks.

He clears his throat.

“I mean Emu Eggs!” He repeats. “Teams we’ll race each other carrying the eggs up to the slope of the nearest volcano, into what will hopefully be a lake of molten lava!”

“What’s this obsession you have with lava?” Conner asks.

“Makes challenges more interesting dude,” Chris says. “Oh and if anyone breaks their egg beforehand they’re disqualified.”

“They better not be real eggs!” Vultureman threatens. “I will not stand by and watch my unborn brethren die for your worthless games!”

“Don’t worry, they’re unfertilized,” Christ says. “…Probably.”

Conner thinks for a moment.

“This actually a decent challenge.” He says. “Looks like you got lucky with the algorithm McLean.”

“Uh yeah. I’ve been hosting this show for fifty years, dude, I know what I’m doing.”

Chris bends down and whispers to Rodney.

“…But maybe someone should check on the boxing room just to be safe.”

Rodney nods and scurries off.

Chris straightens back up.

“Ordinals are up first! Vultureman, Alucard, Shego, Entrapta and Jack! Time to show us what you’re made of!”

“This should be quick.” Shego snarks.

“Why?” Meg asks.

The contestants grab their eggs (Vultureman cradling his particularly protectively.) and take their places.

“GO!” Chris cries.

Vultureman soars away, Jack takes off after him. Entrapta and Shego stay firmly put. Jack looks over his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

Chris blows his whistle.

“Alucard wins for the Ordinals!”

“Oh right,” Jack says.

Shego gives him a look. “Yeah. Drac’s fast. Remember?”

“The Great and All-Powerful Vultureman is relieved that this is over with.”

His egg slips from his slender fingers and plummets to the ground, where it splits open. There’s a seemingly very real and very dead emu chick inside.

Vultureman stares at it in horror then screeches to the heavens.

“AAWK!”

“Oh god, that thing’s going crazy again,” Gary says in a sudden panic.

Chris blows his whistle.

“Bird patrol!”

Rosalina enters the room, wand in hand. She floats over to Vultureman and taps him on the beak.

“Sleep.”

Vultureman’s pupils go wide, then suddenly he stops screaming and collapses to the ground, fast asleep.

“Thanks, Rosie!” Daisy calls.

“My pleasure.” Her goddess friend says politely.

Then quietly as she came, she grabs Vultureman by the foot and drags him out of the room.

Max meanwhile walks up to the broken egg. He dips his finger in the goo and sucks it.

“Well, how ‘bout that? It’s not real. It’s marshmallow cream.”

He begins shovelling handfuls of it into his mouth. His friend Sam watching in disbelief.

“How could you possibly still be hungry?”

“Supertask! You’re up!” Chris says. “Can I get Tenpenny, Elizabeth, Herlock, Gary, and Olivia in position? Time to find out who’s joining Steve in the final round.”

“Come on guys. Show us you’re A-game out there.” Steve calls. “We need two strong people if we want to win an actual bedroom.”

“We’re on the same page, Harrington.” Says Tenpenny.

“Actually, it’s The Harrington piggy, and he was talking to me,” Gary says.

Both Steve and Tenpenny give him a warning look.

“Racers ready!” Chris shouts. “GO!”

This time all five competitors take off running, Without hesitation. All of them surprisingly quick. Tenpenny in particular seems to be giving the ladies an impressed look.

“God damn, since when have you people been so fast?”

“You’d be amazed what a healthy diet and regular yoga can do for you,” Olivia says in front of him.

“When the carriage isn’t available sometimes all one has for transportation is her feet,” Elizabeth says behind him.

Gary’s fast gaining on Elizabeth, the schoolboy sneers at her.

“Well that’s nice but you’re not at one of your garden tea parties lady so move your pompous ass out of my way.”

He forcefully shoves her aside and overtakes her laughing and expecting to not see her again. However, a minute later he looks over his shoulder and finds her right behind him, moving much faster than before. His boorishness having awoken some true competitiveness from beneath her deeply imbued Regency manners. Not that Gary’s intimidated.

Tenpenny whistles impressed.

“Please let one of them win instead of Smith,” Steve says from the sideline.

As Gary runs the boy shifts his egg into one hand and bends down to grab a fistful of black dirt with the other. He wipes around and flings the dirt straight between her eyes. Elizabeth gasps and collapses, dropping her egg. Gary laughs.

“That’s for making English class so boring!”

Tenpenny seems less assumed.

“Hey, grade school! You want to try and not potentially cripple your fellow teammates!?”

Gary shrugs playfully. “This is competition pal, can’t help it if I’m competitive.”

Steve rushes over to Elizabeth, helping her up forcefully.

“You okay? Let me help you!”

He begins dusting her off. Elizabeth watching him confused.

“In my time a man is rather less forward when touching a woman.” She says. “It seems they hold different opinions in the 20^th century.”

Steve takes his hands off her awkwardly.

“Yeah… I was just trying…”

Gary meanwhile has made it to the top, he drops his intact egg into the crater. Then with a smug look, cups his ear to air and listens for the sound of Chris’s whistle.

“Gary wins the second challenge!”

“Ah, music to my ear.” Gary purrs.

He walks back down the mountain. The rest of the Supertasks are waiting for him, few look happy.

“Well Harrington, looks like we’ll be facing off in the finals,” Gary says.

“No offense but it might have been nice to have some more diversity between our boxers,” Bruce says. “…Considering one of the people we’re going up against on the other team is a vampire.”

“Yeah, it might have been nice if my teammate wasn’t a real dick munch,” Steve says.

Gary shrugs. “I agree but unfortunately I’m stuck with you.”

Most of them shoot him a dark look.

…

The final room is unsuspectingly exactly what the contests would suspect, a large boxing ring surrounded by bleachers filled with Toads. A large jumbotron hangs over the ring.

“Here we are at the title fight!” Chris announces. “Can I get our four sports stars to step right up!”

Steve, Guzma, Gary and Alucard step forward. All except Alucard (Who’s wearing his usual blazer) have changed into boxing shorts. Chris hands them each a pair of boxing gloves.

“Guess I won’t be able to use my Pokémon,” Guzma says.

“Nope!” Chris says cheerfully. “Got a problem with that Guzma? Want to tap out prematurely?”

Guzma smirks. “…And let my team down? Never.”

“That’s what I like to hear! Now for those not in the know the rules are simple.”

“Queensbury Rules?” Herlock inquires.

Chris nods. “For the most part. I want a good clean fight out there, gloves stay on, no cheating, no below-the-belt! The four of you are going to take turns facing wave after wave of robotic mystery opponents. You get knocked out, you’re eliminated. Challenge is over when one team loses both members, or a team gets ten points. Sound good?”

“Say no more McLean. I’m ready to unleash my pent-up rage and make Steve look bad while doing so.” Gary boasts. He winks to Elizabeth. “…Or worse than he already looks.”

Both Elizabeth and Steve glare at him

“What is the mystery identity of our autonomous foes?” Alucard asks.

Rodney comes strolling into the ring. He hands a note to Chris.

“Your robot boxing opponents will that the forms of…”

Chris stares at the note.

“…Movie and television characters played by Hollywood actor Tom Hanks…”

He considers it, then shrugs.

“Okay then. Guess it’ll be up to lawyers to clear that.”

Everyone takes their place. Chris and Rodney migrate to the judges' stand with the other staff and the contestants not competing file into the bleachers. Chris flips through another set of notes.

“Round One is Steve versus Joe Fox. The heir to a large bookstore conglomerate and romantic lead from 1998’s You’ve Got Mail!”

A slot opens in the ring and a figure rises from it. A middle-aged man with a rectangular face and dark hair with a high hairline. He’s dressed in nineties upper-class New Yorker winter garb, A dull-coloured jacket tie and scarf.

He approaches Steve looking oddly out of place wearing boxing gloves.

“Beep boop! I’d like to buy your bookstore!”

“I don’t have a bookstore dude.” Steve counters.

“I’m willing to make an offer for more than it’s worth.” The Robot Yuppie replies. “Let’s talk about it online.”

Steve raises his own fists.

“Yeah, whatever. Talk with your fists future movie man!”

He takes the first strike against his foe. The robot dodges then sends a fist squarely into his jaw.

Gary laughs, some of the other Supertasks wince. Steve staggers backwards.

“Allow me to follow through on my offer.” The machine declares.

It jogs towards Steve. Steve, however, already recovered from the first blow counters, once, twice, several times. Boxing his opponent's head without giving it the slightest of openings. After one triumphant blow, Joe Fox’s head flies straight off his body. A coiled string sticking out of his neck like he was some broken bobblehead.

The headless body falls to the mat. Chef Hatchet comes running up in referee uniform and counts down rapidly.

“One, two, three, the rest of ‘em, ten! Steve wins!”

Chef throws down the towel. Steve cheers as do Herlock, and Penny. The rest of the supertasks clap modestly.

The several head of robot Joe lands his arms.

“Key kid.” It whispers.

“Uh yeah…?”

The robot winks at him.

“Tom thanks.”

It and the rest of the robot crumble to dust. Steve stands there blinking.

“…Cool dude.”

He recomposes himself and walks out of the ring.

“Are you hurt?” Asks Zelda. Steve gives her a smile.

“Never better. I could box like… dunno ten of those things.”

Gary puts his arm around Zelda. The girl bristles noticeably.

“In case you haven’t noticed lady The Harrington’s the most brutal thug around.”

“Don’t involve me with your quarrels,” Zelda says flatly, withdrawing from the boy.

“Next up is Alucard!” Chris declares. “His opponent will be…”

A much younger-looking version of the same man appears in a sprinting white tuxedo and a face full of boyish glee.

“It’s Josh Haskins the preteen body in an adult’s body from 1988’s Big!”

“Beep boop! After this, you want to go back to my place and jump on my trampoline!?” Josh asks excitedly.

Alucard grins.

“This hardly makes for a challenge.”

“Then let’s make things interesting,” Chris says. “If you break that robot you don’t get a point.”

“Easy.” Alucard insists.

Chef rings the bell.

With one near-instant movement, Alucard puts his fist clean through the machine’s chest.

His team winces. The robot spasms mechanically and gurgles. Then winks at Alucard

“Erg… Tom thanks.”

Josh Haskins collapses into a pile of dust.

“Alright. What was that!?” Shego demands.

Alucard regards his hand with a detached look. “Holding back isn’t my style. I suppose it’ll take some getting used to. May I have a new glove?” He holds his boxing glove up, the force of his punch having ruptured it.

“Next up Gary.”

“Thank god I nearly fell asleep waiting.”

Gary climbs into the ring confidently. His opponent, one Captain Philips from the 2013 biopic of the same name puts up an impressive fight but Gary’s vicious with his attacks. After a few minutes, he has the machine on the mat.

“Say it again. Who’s the captain?”

“Beep boop! You’re the captain now.” The robot wheezes.

“…and what do you say to that?”

The Robot’s expression turns placid. He smiles up at Gary and winks at him.

“Tom thanks.”

The robot disintegrates. Chef throws in the towel.

“Gary wins! Two points to the Supertasks.”

Some of the team claps half-heartedly. Gary bows dramatically, his ego swelling.

“I’m almost impressed. That’s actually pretty tough if you’re not a big brute like the famous Harrington is.”

Guzma leans over to Steve. “Let me guess? He’s your rival?”

“He’s trying to make me look bad in front of a girl.”

“That explains it.”

“Next up! Guzma!” Chris calls.

Guzma nods, then smiles.

“Wish me luck.”

“I would but you’re on the other team, so no offence but I hope the robot kicks your ass.”

Guzma’s opponent, Joe Banks from 1990’s Joe versus the Volcano appears as a man with hibiscus leis draped around his neck and steel in his eyes.

Guzma sneers.

“This is the best you’ve got? He looks like one of the tourists you get back in the Alola Region.”

“Beep boop! I warn you I’ve got nothing to lose!” Promises the machine. “I’m dying of a rare disease! So there’s nothing holding me back.”

“Think you can beat this guy without your little pocket pals?” Miko asks. “Or are you gonna let him get the best of you?”

“…and let my team down? Never!” Guzma insists. “Time to show this guy how we do things back on the islands!”

Guzma boxes almost as brutally as Gary does, but the machine as promised doesn’t go down without a fight. He withstands most of his thunderous blows and hits back nearly just as hard. By the time he has his opponent on the ground Guzma’s glistening with sweat.

“…Nine! Ten! Guzma wins!”

Guzma raises his hands in the air victorious. The Ordinals cheer.

Joe Banks gets back up at offers Guzma his hand.

“Tom thanks.”

“Uh… You’re welcome.”

Soon as he shakes it the robot disintegrates.

“Wait…” Chris says. He turns to Rodney. “Did the house mess with my boxing challenge just so it could make a lame pun.”

“My house works in mysterious ways,” Rodney says.

Chris gives him a dark look, then glares at Conner beside him.

“And, probably find this funny don’t you?”

“Why would you say that?”

Conner seems to be holding in a laugh. Chris gives him a deadpan look.

“No reasons… Now! On to round two!”

Round two is a lot like the first.

Steve bashes Sam Baldwin from Sleepless in Seattle.

“Tom thanks.”

Alucard accidentally decapitates Jimmy Dugan from A League of Their Own.

“Tom thanks.”

Gary and Guzma proclaim victory over Viktor Navorski from The Terminal and Walt Disney from Saving Mr Banks respectively. Then Round Three opens with Steve cracking the code to cracking Professor Robert Langdon’s robotic head.

Three more winks.

Three more…

“Tom thanks.”

“Tom thanks.”

“Tom thanks.”

Then it’s Alucard's turn again.

“Okay, Alucard,” Katara says slowly. The vampire’s opponent already looks frail, Andrew Beckett from 1993’s Philadelphia. “We really need some points so if you could gently take care of this one.”

“I’ve been as gentle as a true vampire can be,” Alucard responds.

“Then like maybe try and act like you did when you were human?” Miko says.

Alucard reaches out and crushes the robot’s face in his hand.

“DUDE!” Miko cries.

“I don’t like thinking about my human life,” Alucard informs her.

He lets the robot go. It falls to the floor, exposed wires sparking. It attempts to speak, then failing to do so pulls a pencil and scrap of paper out from its pocket, jolts something down quickly and hands it to the vampire. He promptly hands it to Shego who sighs.

“What’s it say?” Miko asks.

“Guess,” Shego says handing it to her.

Scrawled in hastily written pencil marks if of course…

“Tom thanks.”

One of the robot’s eyes which had rolled loose from its skull winks at them and disintegrates.

…

A round and a half later and things have progressed more or less the same.

After four completed rounds Guzma, Gary and Steve had yet to lose a fight and Alucard has yet to learn how to not instantly eviscerate his opponents with his ungodly overpowered vampiric strength. Because of that minor inconvenience the Supertasks have eight points to the Ordinals four and should things go well next round will be victorious, something they’re cautiously optimistic about. The only potently road bump on their path to victory is the fact that all three human boxers are after four matches each truly starting to show their fatigue.

“Guy’s really putting himself through the ringer.” Bruce comments, watching from the sideline as Steve trades blows with his fifth robot, Allen Bauer from 1984’s Splash. “I’d almost like to see him the drop out and get some rest.”

“You saying you don’t want to sleep in that rich cabin tonight Wayne?” Tenpenny asks.

Bruce reflects on this.

“Atta boy Steve! You got him on the ropes champ!” Bruce calls bracingly.

Steve takes a final climatic swing and Allen walks before him. Chef counts the machine out and Steve beats his bare chest like a gorilla and lets out a cry of triumph.

“YES! MADE IT!”

Allen gets his obligatory ‘Tom thanks’ out of the way the ring is cleared for Alucard.

“Alucard Please,” Katara says slowly. “We need to win this, can you be careful?”

Alucard’s lip twitches.

“Is that an order?”

Katara’s thrown off a moment.

“I guess it is if you want-“

“Because I only take orders from my master, and she isn’t some self-aggrandizing big-mouthed child who thinks she’s much nobler than she really is.”

Katara stutters like a car that won’t start then goes red behind the ears. Alucard laughs.

“Besides. As it turns out that’s a more difficult task than it seems.” He insists. “Especially when I seem to be receiving unusually weak opponents.” He turns to give Chris a look. Not so much a dirty look, his face rarely deviates from a ghoulish grin, most of the emotion (if any) kept behind it is subdermal.

Chris merely shrugs.

“No idea what you’re talking about. Now on to your next challenger…”

Rising into to ring is a tiny child’s cowboy doll made of cloth and plastic.

“It’s Woody from Toy Story!”

“Beep Boop! You’re my favourite deputy!” Comes the sound of the doll’s voice box.

Alucard turns slowly back to Chris.

“You’re mocking me? Aren’t you?”

Chris doesn’t have much of a chance to reply. No sooner those Alucard ask the question does the cowboy doll hurl itself at his face. Alucard cries out in alarm, the suddenness of it all finally having cut through his serene sense of superiority.

“SOMEBODY’S POSIONED THE WATERHOLE!” The sheriff cries. Sending two tiny gloved hands into Alucard’s eyes then leaping from his face. Alucard gasps in pain and flails after the toy. The Ordinals watch on as the fight quickly spirals into what is (Oddly enough) the first real struggle their most powerful teammate has faced.

While that bewildering display plays out some of the Supertasks still have their attention on Steve. The teens radiate heat so overworked is his body. He lays on the bleachers panting, desperately taking a bottle of water offered to him by Princess Daisy and downing it in one go. All the while he beams, an immense look of pride on his face.

“Nice work out there today The Harrington,” Tenpenny says approvingly. “I can taste a decent bed already.”

“You’ve been brilliant. Good on you!” Penny says.

“You must be exhausted,” Bruce says.

Steve gives him a feeble grin.

“Who me? Nah man I’m great! I slept terribly last night, ate so much I want to puke then played sock’em bop’em robots five times in a row.”

He sighs happily.

“But I made it man. I’m doing this for the team, happy to do it for the team.” He locks eyes with Elizabeth. "Proves I’m a good guy right?”

Elizabeth gives him a confused look.

“Easy Harrington…” Gary taunts. “You keep jerking yourself off like that you’ll exhaust your body. Then I’ll just have to win this thing for us.”

“Gary I would be real freakin’ excited if you won.” Steve sighs.

Gary folds his arms.

“That so Harrington? You’d take pleasure in me stealing your perfect victory.”

Steve gives him an exhausted look.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but we’re on the same team.” He says plainly. “Like… we share victories and all that sh*t. I currently and for the foreseeable future wish you all the best in everything you do, providing it’s not trying to vote me out.”

Gary scoffs.

They hear Chef shouting. Alucard’s just won his first match. Sheriff Woody pined under the vampire’s foot, immobile but unharmed.

“That’s six points for the Ordinals to the Supertask’s nine!” Chris cries. “Ordinals are catching up but if the Supertasks beat another round it’s over! Next up Gary Smith!”

“Well good luck,” Sam says.

“No mercy!” Olivia cries.

“Better not screw up!” Tenpenny warns.

Gary gives them a look of disbelief. “I’m about to win our team it’s first victory and that’s all the cheering you mindless sheep can come with?”

“Why do you deserve cheering when you’ve been acting like a spoiled prat all day?” Penny counters. Gary feigns outrage.

“Didn’t you hear Harrington’s heroic speech? Individualism is dead and all triumphs belong to the whole social order at large. Your lack of enthusiasm for me represents a lack of enthusiasm for the team at large, which not only hurts my poor fragile feelings but is probably the reason we were such worthless losers yesterday. So, what’s it gonna be? Am I getting the reception I deserve or are we all going to keep revealing in our worthlessness?”

The group cheers unenthusiastically. Gary grins.

“Well, it’s a start. Even if I noticed the rabbit wasn’t cheering.”

“I’m sure he’d love to help but unfortunately he’s got his own worries,” Sam says.

Beside him, Max is lying on his back green in the face. Sam shakes his head.

“Looks like Past Max finally caught up with Future Max.”

“Damn that Past Max. He’s always got it out for me.” Max sighs. “One of these days I got to get even with that guy.”

“I’d wish you luck, but I think the odds are stacked in his favour.”

“Strange how it’s always like that.”

Gary gives them both a cold stare and turns to step into the ring.

Though he won’t show it, much less admit it, the day’s been exhausting. He’ll be happier when this round is over.

“Any time now McLean.”

“Gary!” Chris cries. “You’re fifth Tom Thanks- I mean Tom Hanks challenger is…”

Someone rises into the ring, rather three someones. The lead figure’s the same man they’ve been fighting all day now older and wearing a cheap Halloween suit with a jack-o-lantern print. Behind there are two more figures, both also in cheap Halloween makeup. They’re dressed in skeleton body socks with matching face paint and fly-away white hair.

“Beep Beep Boop! How’s it Hangin!” Shouts the first figure. His voice oddly pitched.

“What the hell is this?” Gary snaps. “Why are there three of them now!?”

“I’m David S Pumpkins!” Cries the man in the suit.

“…And the skeletons?” Gary asks.

“Part of it! Beep Boop!” Both skeletons shout.

Music begins blaring from nowhere. The three of them begin dancing. Gary stares at them.

“Well that’s all nice bullsh*t but strength in numbers won’t save you. All that’s standing between me and a good night’s sleep is kicking your shiny metal ass!”

Amongst the Ordinals Fry looks up suddenly from his daze of sadness momentarily before realising his robot best friend isn’t present.

The robots continue dancing semi-provocatively, either lost in their own world or programmed to be. Tired of waiting Gary charges.

The music stops. David S Pumpkins throws out an arm, Gary collides with it, hard, and the boy is knocked back against the other side of the ring.

The music resumes. The Skeletons begin dancing again.

Gary’s dazed for a moment. Then recovers. He glares.

“Oh, I get it now. Think you’re the class clown of your little robot school? Allow me to demonstrate what happens to people like you at Bullworth.”

Again, he charges the machine. Again, he’s knocked to the floor. He gets up seething. He hurls a fist at David’s head. The robot catches his fist with one hand and sucker-punches him with the other. The rest of the cast can all but see birds circling around Gary’s stunned head.

The skeletons begin dancing around Gary. Thrusting their backsides at him. Gary gets a slide glance at Steve holding in a laugh from the sidelines and grits his teeth.

“Get that gay sh*t out of my face.”

He aims his next strike at one of the backup dancers. This time it connects. The dancer’s knocked out cold.

The music cuts dead. David and his remaining skeleton gasp.

“First of all!” He cries indignantly. “There will be no causal hom*ophobia in the presence of the Great DAVID S PUMPKIN! SECONDLY! No one slaps my skeletons around but me!”

He punctuates the remark by slapping his remaining skeleton across the rear.

“Bring me my pumpkin juice! I’m gonna teach this feller a lesson!”

The skeleton salutes and with the obedience of one of Peach’s toads runs out of the ring and returns with a can of Pumpkin juice.

He squeezes it and it flies into his mouth. The music switches to an American college football brass fanfare as Pumpkins rolls up his sleeves and his biceps physically grow.

Gary raises his fist as the machine marches towards him ready fists ready to strike, tongue ready to give his opponent another verbal lashing.

He gets the chance to do neither.

David S Pumpkins hosts Gary Smith up by the collar and hurls him into the air. He lands straight into a pumpkin punch, then another, and another. Pumpkin’s blows come so fast that he juggles Gary in the air. The boy’s body vibrating from the attack.

“Final Attack!” David S Pumpkins cries. “FIST OF THE PUMPKIN STAR!”

He lands one devastating knockout punch on Gary. The boy’s send rocketing upwards, then comes crashing down with the jumbotron. He lands under the screen in a heap. Both skeletons rush over to dance at him again. Chef throws down the towel.

“That’s a K.O. If I’ve ever seen one! Smith’s out! Pumpkins wins!”

David S Pumpkins raises his fists victoriously. A horde of sentient pumpkins emerges from somewhere and carry him off victorious.

“Tom thanks fellers!”

“Gentleman I apologize. That seemed highly unfair.” Winces Rodney from the staff table. Besides him, both Chris and Conner are cackling like jackals.

Gary emerges from the wreckage of the jumbotron bitterly. In a turn of events inexplicable to medical but completely on brand for animation he seems only mildly hurt from his loss.

As he returns to his team a crowd of disapproval greets him. He sniffs indignantly.

“Oh, what? Really folks? That match was rigged against me, and you know it.”

“I hear you man,” Steve says.

From his tone, Steve makes the remark sincere. Incidentally though it doesn’t Gary takes it that way as a second later he’s lunged at Steve and is trading blows with the teen.

Bruce and Tenpenny arrive quickly to separate the pair but the damage has been done. Steve, already bruised and exhausted from his earlier fights now sports a black eye. Tenpenny grabs Steve by the shoulders.

“You alright kid?”

“Fine…” Mumbles Steve.

“Good!”

He turns and quickly strikes Gary across the jaw.

“WHAT THE HELL!?” Gary yelps.

“The f*ck is your problem!?” Tenpenny demands. “I don’t care what stupid ass feud you got going with Harrington we still need him for another fight now that you got your ass beat. Or did your tiny testosterone-driven mind forget that important detail!?”

“If he loses it’s his own goddamn fault.”

“You better damn well be cheering him to win next round ‘cause it’ll be your ass on the line if he doesn’t.”

“Don’t tell me what do believe in pig! God, you’re like every other fascist authority figure that’s tried to mind rape me in ‘being a better person.’ I like who I am! If I’m just too problematic for your sheltered worldview that’s society's goddamn fault!”

Tenpenny takes a deep breath to collect himself then points a finger at Gary.

“Thin ice kid. You’re on thin f*cking ice.”

“Give it a rest. Guy’s off his meds or some sh*t.” Steve says. “But uh, thanks for defending my honour.”

Tenpenny claps him on the back.

“I like you, Harrington. You fight good. Better than some of the kids on this team at least.”

Gary’s nostrils flare.

“Next round is Guzma!”

Guzma steps into the ring cautiously. He glances around.

“Anything wrong?” Katara asks.

“I don’t like this.” He says. “The opponents are getting crazier.”

“Whatever they throw at you we know you can face it,” Katara assures him.

“Yeah! Ordinals look out for each other!” Meg says brightly. “Right, captain?”

All eyes turn to Fry not only still moping but now is also playing the blues on a harmonica.

“ Ain't no sunshine when Leela's gone
And Leela's always gone too long
Anytime Leela goes away”

“Where did he even get that?” Jack wonders aloud.

More music starts up, this time from the ring. A jazzy up-tempo brass piece.

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Guzma growls.

“Tickets please…”

A train conductor’s entered the ring. Clad blue antiquated uniform, pair of gold spectacles and burly brown mustache.

“For what? The fight?” Guzma asks.

“Beep Beep Boop! For what? For what!? Why for a train to the North Pole of course! This is the POLAR EXPRESS!”

“Enough crazy talk!” Guzma says. “Go through whatever madness you want to bring at me! I’m ready!”

He raises his fists. The conductor looks at him inquiringly.

“Do you have your ticket?”

“No!”

The robot gasps.

“Well… in that case I have no choice but to…” His mechanical eyes twinkle ominously. “Serve you some refreshments.”

The brass begins in full.

“Oh! We got it!”

The machine tap dances towards Guzma then strikes.

Guzma’s ready. He dodges the first couple of blows. Even getting a counterattack in. But the robot’s fast. It’s a whirl of flying fists and feet spinning around Guzma. The conductor catching Guzma off guard and rapidly boxing his ears. He crouches out of it and slugs the conductor in the gut then makes his hasty retreat to the ropes.

“This isn’t fair. I can’t get an opening on this one!”

“It’s Round five bro. We got to up the stakes.” Chris explains. As if he had any control over events of the day. “You can always wuss out if you want.”

Guzma grits his teeth.

“Not likely.”

He throws himself back into the fight. Unfortunately, his opponent seems ready for him. No sooner is he back Guzma’s being tossed around by the Conductor. Plummeted this way and that. He puts an impressive amount of resistance but ultimately, he’s on the mat.

“…Eight! Nine! Ten!” Chef calls. “Guzma’s out! Victory to the opponent.”

The conductor tips his hat to Chef.

“Tom thanks to you sir.”

He dissolves into dust.

Guzma gets back up weakly and retreats to the reassurance of his team.

“And that’s round five,” Chris says. “Round six! We are down to two fighters and it’s still do or die for the Supertasks.”

Reluctantly but determinedly, Steve gets back into the ring.

“Please don’t give me any crazy holiday character.”

“Steve…” Chris says dramatically. “Your final opponent will be…”

A skinny man with a buzz cut and a vacant expression enters the ring. He looks utterly unremarkable and unlike every other competitor they’ve faced is actually dressed in boxing garb.

“Forest Gump from Forest Gump!”

“Boop beep life is like a box of cho-co-lates.” Drawls in the machine in a slow lilting southern accent.

Steve cheers triumphantly.

“Yes! YES! ALRIGHT! I can do this!”

“You know this character?” Tenpenny asks.

“No, but I’ve KO’d five other guys just like him. Let’s dance country boy.”

“I like running more. Jen-ney says I’m good at run-ning.”

“Whatever!”

Steve channels the last of his strength into his fist and hurls it at the machine. It hits it straight in the chest. The robot collapses. Steve cheers again, prematurely it turns out as the robot rises to its feet again.

“I fell over.” The machine states blankly.

Steve clocks in across the check. Once more it falls, once more it rises.

“It happened again.”

Steve gives the machine a hard look then flies into full offensive mod. Bombarding Gump with blows to the head (Not that there’s anything in there to damage.) The robot seems to have found it’s footing. It stands there stoically for a full minute as Steve gives up all his remaining energy trying to break him. Steve gives first. The boy doubles over panting.

“Dude!? Why won’t you go down?”

“Is it my turn?” Forest asks.

Steve gives him a weak look.

“Wha-“

Before he finishes his sentence the wind’s knocked out of him. Forest it appears can attack as hard as he can defend. Automatically with a distant neutral expression on his face he sends a volley of fists in Steve’s direction. Steve holds up his hands to block but the very force of Forest’s blows knocks him to his feet.

Steve collapses against the ropes, exhausted. Forest looks down at him with a placid innocent look of curiosity.

“Folks say I’m real re-sili-ent. Whatever that means.” He says seemingly finally getting around to answering Steve’s question. Steve takes another breath and casts a glance at his team

A cool towel greets his burning forehead. Elizabeth has appeared by his side.

“Good lodgings aren’t worth dying for,” She says.

“Team’s counting on me. I’m not letting you guys down.”

“In all honestly no one will be terribly disappointed if we have to remove one of our personages this evening,” Elizabeth admits, causing a disproving glance at Gary, who grins back at her. “It is rare to meet a man so unconcealed in his savagery as Gary Smith.”

“What about me?” Steve asks. “If I win this am I as still as bad as him?”

Elizabeth gives him a look of surprise.

“Your pardon?”

“You said we had similar constitutions this morning!”

Elizabeth blinks at him then breaks into unapologetic laughter.

“It seems my teasing translates very poorly to your 20^th century manner or speaking,”

Steve gaps at her.

“Wait… hang on, you mean you were joking!?”

Elizabeth grins at him coyly.

“You are rather similar in culture but in strength of character Mister Harrington, you’d have to try hard to do worse than that dreadful Mister Smith,”

She laughs again. Steve laughs within, deeply relieved.

Chris clears his throat loudly.

“Earth to Steve, you’re in a challenge remember?”

Steve sighs. The robot still blinking diming at him from across the ring.

“At this stage, you don’t seem posed to win,” Elizabeth admits. Steve gives her a half-smirk.

“Yeah but, I’ve got to try don’t I?”

He wills himself back up. Forest looks surprised. Steve capitalizes on the confusion, switching back to offence. Unleashing another marathon of fists at the machine. Too many times he knocks Forest down flat and every time he springs up like a Jack in the Box.

“Dude! Just stay down!” Steve cries exasperatedly.

He’s panting heavily now. He swings one final punch at Forest.

It loses momentum and Steve crashes to the ground in a heap. Forest stares placidly as Chef counts him down.

“…and Ten! Steve’s out!”

“Which means the Supertasks are out of boxers!” Chris announces. “By account of being the only boxer still standing Alucard and the Ordinals win immunity!”

The team cheers.

Steve groans and shuts his eyes trying to avoid Forest’s gaze.

“Tom Thank you, kind sir,” Forest says.

Steve gives him a very, very beleaguered sigh.

“No problem bud.”

…

A few hours later they’re back in the elimination lounge. The Supertask’s huddled in the same armchairs they sat in last night.

Chris, the Princesses, Rodney, and Conner enter the scene. Chris carrying his plate of cookies.

“Supertasks we meet again! Everyone ready for another cozy little ceremony.”

“Just get this garbage over with already,” Gary complains. Chris shrugs pleasantly.

“Oh don’t worry this’ll be quick. Voting was almost unanimous. You’re out Gary!”

He tosses a baked good to every Supertask but Gary, who looks predictably unhappy.

“Are you serious? Harrington botches his moment of glory and I’m still the one that gets thrown under the bus?”

“Allow me to put it delicately,” Tenpenny explains. “Steve went out today and busted his ass. You went out and acted like a goddamn asshole.”

“I’d hardly say that’s delicate language but the sentiments most certainly correct,” Elizabeth says, giving Gary a surprisingly dark look.

Gary rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. Why the hell did I sign up for a trashy reality show anyway, I should have known the cast would be a bunch of brain-dead lobotomy patients that can’t recognize their best player when he’s staring them in the face.”

He makes a point of showing them all his favourite finger.

“I’d say it’s a pleasure, but It wasn’t. Have fun crashing and burning without me!”

And with that, he makes his leave from the game. Chris shuts the door firmly behind him.

“Well… he was fun.”

“Had a guy just like him last season,” Conner says. “Lasted until the merge actually.”

Chris smirks.

“Knowing Endless that checks out.”

…

At some point later, back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. He presses mute and turns to the audience.

“Big words for someone who still can properly organize a challenge, McLean!”

He laughs.

“Three challenges set here in the Rodney House and not one of them has gone entirely right. Not that I’m complaining. The day I stop finding joy in Chris’s failures is the day I die. But credit where it’s due, today was mostly coherent, though it’s hard to mess up a sport’s challenge, and Chris seemed to manage it anyway.

Anyway, tune in next time folks when Chris will surely find new and innovative ways to disappoint and entertain me. Right here on Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter 7: Episode 4: Encryptid Goods

Chapter Text

Chris beams into the camera.

"Last time on Total Drama Homespun, we had ourselves a big fight. Two champions from each team proved their worth and entered the boxing match of the century. Their opponents? A bunch of robots that looked like Hollywood actor Tom Hanks. No... I don't understand this place any more than you do.

Ultimately it was Gary Smith, who lost it big time for team and felt the consequences. Sucks to be him, but hey. At least Steve got to bond with Elizabeth.

Who will be bonding and or losing everything today? Find out, right now."

...

There's a knock on the front door of the Rodney House.

It's Princess Peach who answers it, giving a friendly smile to the guest on the doorstep.

"Oh, my stars! Why hello miss Mermaid, how do you do?"

"Hiya, It's Perky!" Perky the Mermaid beams up at her, fishbowl precariously balanced on the doorstep. She coughs. "Kind of sort of figured you'd remember my name since we were on the same season."

"I'm sorry Perky, it's just that we were on different teams, and you were the first one gone," Peach says innocently.

Perky laughs sardonically. "Yup, that's me. First out. Hey! Speaking of seasons, is that new one done yet?"

It's Peach's turn to laugh. "Done? Why It's only just started."

"Has it?" Perky asks surprised. "Dang, these things go slower than I remember. Maybe I could sign up early for the next one?"

"Well I'd have-"

"…Or I could be an intern! Yeah! I was one last time kinda sorta. I'd do great, you probably need more help right?"

"Actually, we have the whole Mushroom Kingdom helping this season, but still it's very, very kind of you to volunteer. I'm sure once Chris hears your offer he'll be very happy to- Oh hello Chef, Perky was just saying very kindly that she'd like to help with the show."

Chef Hatchet's hulking form has materialized behind Peach. He eyes the mermaid grimly. Perky waves at him.

"Hiya! Nice to be on the team. Heh heh…"

"We gotta enough help!" He grunts, kicking her bowl off the step and slapping the door.

"Chef!" Peach squeaks.

"Trust me, Princess, she ain't worth it."

…

Later in the morning, the staff has the contestants gather outside their cabins.

"That time again Houseguests," Chris says beaming. "Who's ready for another exciting challenge?"

"Woo! Let's do it! What are we in for today Chris?" Miko says excitedly.

"Why didn't you ask me what we're doing?" Conner asks.

Miko's confused "Uh… alright Conner what are we doing?"

"No clue, Chris never tells me what his plans are," Conner admits, turning to Chris. "What's on the agenda today McLean?"

"First up, I've got a present for you guys."

Several Toads run up, wheeling over a clothing rack, on which are rows of black tuxedos and richly coloured sparkling evening gowns. The contestants look impressed.

"Today's challenge has a dress code, so get dressed."

…

The contestants run off to get changed, when they're ready they meet Chris in the Main Lodge, all of them now in their new highly formal looks complete with shades and cologne for the men and hair and makeup for the women.

When Fry comes in, he's for some reason snickering like a schoolboy.

"What's got you laughing then?" Penny Crayon asks

"I told Wallace I'd give him ten bucks if he wore one of the dresses." Fry giggles.

"Did he?" Meg asks.

Her Team Captain wheezes. His mood seems to have improved greatly from yesterday.

"In my defence, it seemed pretty funny…" Wallace says walking in wearing gorgeous evening attire and matching makeup. "…though in hindsight, I realize I'm confirming some stereotypes about my sexuality."

"If it makes you feel better that dress fits your hips beautifully," Chef says.

"You're damn right It does." Wallace agrees, taking a sip of his ever-present cosmopolitan.

Entrapta's the last to emerge, still in her usual outfit with the sole addition of a black bowtie.

"Uh, Entrapta dude. You know I wanted everyone to get dressed up right?" Chris asks.

"I like my regular clothes though." She says innocently. Chris shrugs.

"Fine, don't want the nice expensive dress we gave you? Suit yourself!"

"No, the suit didn't interest me either."

Chris ignores her and turns to the others.

"Now that you're properly dressed, I need two sets of volunteers. For today's challenge, each team needs someone good with tech and a driver. They'll be on the sidelines for most of today, but they'll be important later."

"I can do tech!" Entrapta practically squeals.

Zelda clears her throat, seemingly working up the courage to volunteer for her team.

"I'll handle tech for us." Doctor Olivia Octavius says, cutting the Princess off before she can speak. "Who's our driver?"

"Me and my little buddy here can handle that," Sam says pulling Max over to him.

"…And I guess I'll drive for us." Wallace volunteers. "Being on the sidelines means less risk of tearing this sexy ass dress."

He licks a gloved thumb and places it on his backside, sizzling like a stovetop as he does.

Chris nods.

"Good. Right this way volunteers. Conner show these five outside?"

Conner leads them out of the lodge.

"What about the rest of us?" Katara asks.

"…and what are those for?" Guzma asks frowning. The staff have suddenly donned gas masks.

Chris chuckles.

A moment later the room fills with a white gas and the contestants fall unconscious.

…

When they come to, they're in a dark hallway, filled with strange glass enclosers and the ambient sounds and smells of a zoo reptile house.

Shego rubs her head.

"Sleeping gas, really McLean? Uncool."

"Ah, good show! You're finally awake!"

There comes an old posh accent from behind them. The cast for a moment mistakes it for Rodney. However, when they look they find a toad standing there. This one the most distinct by far. His cap is cream-coloured with brown spots, round spectacles and a handlebar moustache white with age adorns his face, he's also more poshly dressed than the other toads, wearing a three-piece vest of blue and gold.

"By Jove so it is. How nice to meet you!" He says jovially. "The name is Toadsworth, faithful servant to House Toadstool and my kingdom's dear princess."

"Oh, hey," Fry says causally. "Where are we?"

"Follow-up question, the hell kinda idea you people have knocking us out like that?" Tenpenny asks.

"No need to worry now. All part of the challenge." Chortles the old toad. "At present, you are all lost within the private zoo of the notorious Mr. Crypt. The most frightful criminal in all the Rodney House."

"I thought we were the only people in here?" Jack says raising his hand.

"AWK! THE OLD MAN IS TALKING! BE RESPECTFUL!" Squawks Vultureman.

"My good contestants, your challenge today is to escape this place undetected, and make off with Mr. Crypt's most prized exhibit in the process."

"So, it's a heist then?" Tenpenny asks smiling.

"Aw, this's be plenty fun, surely," Penny says.

"Stealth Mission challenge!" Cries Miko. Several people shush her.

"Stealth Mission woo woo. Let's hear it." She whispers.

"Good show, I see you're all in good spirits." Toadworth little black eyes twinkled mischievously. "Do be aware though, my fellow countrymen of the Mushroom Kingdom are patrolling the halls, they are armed with toy rifles and fiercely protective of Mr. Crypt's exotic treasures, one shot and you are out of the day's competition, so they're best to be avoided. Especially that dear Toadette, do take care to look out for her, she was very excited to partake in today's events."

"Thanks for the warning," Bruce says.

"Anytime my good man."

Jeremy oozes out of a hidden wall panel. Causally Toadworth hops on his back and is carried away.

"Right then, let the heist begin! Until we meet again houseguest. Good luck to you all, and first one to bring back the prized exhibit wins immunity!"

…

Somewhere else, in a room full of charts and computers, Entrapta and Olivia have been set up as their respective teams "Guy in the chair". Each one of them regarding the glut of information before them hungrily.

Toadsworth and Jeremy ride in.

"Right oh. Your comrades have been given their missions, and are free to contact you and any moment, and to aid in your assistant to your teams Master Jeremy has volunteered to fetch you snacks to keep morale up."

Jeremy gurgles.

"Well, isn't that nice of him?" Says Olivia scratching Jermey under the chin, he makes a trilling affectionate sound.

The two staff take their leave. On Olivia's desk a walkie-talkie crackles to life.

"You there Doc?" Comes the sound of Tenpenny's voice.

"Yes, confirming visual contact Officer. I have access to the zoo's CCTV feed."

…

"Fantastic," Tenpenny says. "If you'd be so kind as to share it might be nice to know where we are."

"…And where this prised exhibit supposedly is," Bruce adds.

While they wait for her response some of the others glance around at the enclosers. All desert-themed in this area.

"What an odd exhibit," Zelda says.

"It's not that weird, they got a zoo like this in Louisville," Steve says.

"Do they have rabbits with antlers in Louisville?" Penny asks.

Steve turns and stares at the enclosure Penny's looking at. Several jackrabbits with antlers like pronghorns lounge around a rocky environment.

"No, they definitely didn't have jackalopes." He says.

Olivia chuckles over the radio.

"That's Mr. Crypt's specialty He's very fond of cryptids and all sorts of other animals that have never been seen officially."

"My goodness! They must have every beast and creature from classical mythos caged in here." Herlock exclaims in a low voice of wonder.

He gawks at a large exhibit filled with lion, eagle hybrids.

"Griffins!"

…Then at a cage filled with red and gold feathered birds, one of them bursts into flame and is reduced to ash, from the pile of soot emerges a hatchling of the same bird.

"Thunderbirds!" Herlock declares confidently.

His gaze arrives at a large rocky enclosure, high in the display crouched on a perch are a pair of strange beings, amalgamations of eagles and human women.

"Ah…" Says Herlock softly. "…and who who's read Homer could mistake the sight of the fearsome Harpies?"

"Holysh*t!" Steve cries, stumbling over to Herlock and gaping up at the creatures. "Dude, I can tell if they're totally hot, or totally hideous."

Both harpies give him an offended look, then suddenly begin screeching as loud as they can.

Steve nearly falls over, the others look mortified. Almost instantly they hear the scrambling of little feet towards them.

"Move!" Tenpenny cries.

…

Olivia laughs.

"Keep straight, then turn left, there should be a washroom to hide in about 200 feet."

She notices Entrapta watching her over her shoulder.

"How's your team doing?"

"They'll be fine. How are your little Ordinals faring?"

"Oh good, I told them to take a shortcut through the exhibits, that should be the fastest way to the main hall if the beasts don't trouble them," Entrapta informs her quickly and brightly.

"It is? Maybe I'll keep my team in the hallways then, it'll keep things interesting for the viewers at home if we take different strategies."

"I thought we're all in someone's home?" Entrapta says, scratching her head with one of her long, prehensile lilac pigtails. Olivia regards her intrigued.

"Is there no television in your home reality Entrapta?"

"Nope! Never heard of it I've been, and I've been around a lot of places back on Etheria."

"Oh… Oh, I see you're not from Earth then?" Olivia says looking more fascinated with the girl by the minute. "Tell me all about that, I want to know everything about non-terrestrial life out here in the multiverse,"

Entrapta gasps. "Do you want some of the technicals I've taken on my planet's unique geology?"

"Don't spare the details."

Entrapta squeaks with excitement.

…

As the two scientists lapse into conversation. Entrapta's Walkie Talkie lays forgotten, much to her team's chagrin.

The Forest encloser is a dark and gloomy place, overgrown and swampy with a dense canopy that blocks out any sunlight, (or lamp light, it's hard to tell what's above their heads). The Ordinals look terribly out of place in their evening gowns and tuxedos, sloshing through muddy puddles and tripping over roots in their dress shoes. All the while inhuman trills and calls echo through the trees.

"Entrapta? Hey Entrapta! Earth to Entrapta! You there?" Miko calls into her team's walkie-talkie.

"Yeah, not sure how much help you were expecting to get from Pigtails." Shego snarks. "…Or Captain Lover Boy."

Fry stands chipper and merry at the front of their pack, singing off-key to an old favourite of his.

"I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa-oh-oh!
I'm walking on sunshine! Hm-mm-mm!"

"Dude! You're scaring off the monsters with your singing!" Miko says.

"I don't know, these two might have something to do with it as well," Guzma says, casting a glance back at Vultureman and Alucard's lumbering forms.

"Do you guys really want to run into Bigfoot?" Jack asks surprised.

"Uh, Heck yeah I do!" Miko says at once.

"Bigfoot's great. I met him once." Fry says happily.

"You did?" Meg, Miko, Jack and even Shego all ask at once.

"Yeah, nice guy," Fry says. "My dad used to talk about cryptids a lot, not as much as he'd talk about the Russians, but still. I probably know every monster we could run into here."

"Really?" Guzma says skeptically. "Alright smart guy? What are those?" He jerks his head to the left, where there's gathered about six or so bipedal frogs half the size of a man.

"Loveland Frogs," Fry says. "Up there are Jersey Devil nests…"

They look up, perched in a nest is a pair of small, cloven, goat-like creatures with leathery wings.

"…and those tracks Shego's about to trip on are probably from a Hodag."

Right on cue Shego pratfalls.

"AGH! These stupid shoes!"

"I think they're nice," Meg says.

"Heels aren't meant for hiking through a swamp!"

"Why do think I threw mine away the moment we got in here!?" Miko asks. "Ditch 'em!"

Shego throws her shoes away, sniffs bitterly, turns, and falls again. An ugly two-legged creature, with doleful eyes scampering out from under her.

"Shego! Careful you almost crushed that poor Squonk!" Fry cries. Scooping up the little thing and cradling it affectionally. The ugly little Squonk crying in his arms.

Shego pulls her face up from the dirt furiously and fires a ball of energy at both of them. Fry gives a yelp and dodges to the side.

"Why is everyone I work under an idiot!?"

She storms away, grumbling to herself. Katara watches her disapprovingly.

"Don't listen to her Fry, you're doing a great job." She says. Fry's wounded morale heals slightly.

"Thanks…"

"Yeah man! With your monster knowledge, we got this thing in the bag!" Miko says.

Besides them, the Loveland Frogs have begun croaking in alarm. Suddenly a black form swoops down from the trees and carries off one of the frogs, the others fleeing in alarm

"What was that?" Jack asks.

The black form swoops down onto a tree branch before them. It's large and almost human but decidedly not. Two large wings and dense black fur cloak most of its features, the only thing discernible from its head are a set of insectoid antennae, and two large, bloody red eyes.

"Oh man, what is that!?" Jack demands.

Miko whistles. "Man that's freaky! This thing got a name?"

"That would be Mothman…" Fry says shakily. He and Meg now hiding behind Vultureman.

"I don't suppose he's friendly?" Katara asks.

Fry lets out a little whimper.

"It's fine we can take him," Miko boasts.

The creature lets out a ghastly trilling noise. All Miko's confidence vanishes.

"Yeah, okay. Changed my mind. That thing's horrifying. RUN!"

They dart off screaming. The Mothman lets out a hideous cry, and most of the others follow after Miko. The creature on their tail.

"What did you morons do now!?" Shego shouts as they pass her.

"Terrifying bug man on our tail!" Katara shouts back.

Shego sees Mothman, groans, and begins running after her fleeing team. "Great. Wonder if Wallace is having as bad a time as we are?"

…

In the Zoo's receiving bay, Wallace Wells sits on the hood of the Ordinal's van, mild disinterest colouring his expression. Besides him Sam and Max sit on their own van, deep in conversation.

"…What I don't understand Max is why you had to end the night on such an unsavory note."

"Is it what it is Sam. You know I don't take rejection well."

"She seemed a perfectly pleasant waitress."

"They always do at first, but if I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times, if I'd know she was a robot I would have hit her thrice as hard."

"You certainly found a way to make the night memorable."

"Gosh, it was. Best anniversary we've had in years."

Wallace turns to the two.

"So are you two gay, or…?"

"Nah, we're just married," Max says chipperly.

"Oh," Wallace says.

They melt into silence for a moment or two before Wallace turns back to them.

"…What?"

…

Back in the desert wing, several toads scurry through the hallways. Two stop and talk to each other. For the sake of narrative convenience, their unusual dialect will be subtitled in standard English.

A toad with a red spotted cap shouts.

"Wah! Uh oh!"

[Terrible news friend, it appears we've lost our lead.]

His friend, who has blue spots on his cap squawks.

"Wa ha! Ha ha ho! Yay!"

[Fret not my dear ally, victory has not yet eluded us. Let us search another corner of this esteemed establishment.]

They both throw up their arms.

"Let's Go!"

[So it's decreed!]

They dart off. Soon as they're gone The Supertasks emerge from behind a corner.

"Damn, those things are annoying," Tenpenny says.

"I'm sure they'll be even less pleasant if they catch us." Says Bruce. He clicks on the radio. "Thanks for the tip about this hiding spot doc."

"Happy to help gang," Olivia says with a little laugh. "Fair bit of warning, path forward should get you to where you want to go but there's a lot more of those little guys up ahead."

"Can you take them out or something?" Steve asks.

"I think that's a job for you seven on the floor. Maybe that little girl and her magic crayon could do something for you?"

"Ah, that's a great idea, sure is," Penny says.

The schoolgirl quickly plucks her magic crayon from behind her ear and busies herself drawing. A moment later she's created a little barrel organ on wheels. She turns its crank and lullaby music begins playing.

In the distance they hear the sounds of yawning.

Steve glances around a corner.

"It worked!"

"Brillant aren't I?" Penny says proudly.

…

Olivia watches them stratified.

A gurgling sound alerts her to Jeremy, having oozed into the room, a tray with a tiny cupcake and protein shake on it balanced on his head.

"Thanks, Jeremy honey, you're a big help." She says, accepting the drink and offering him a small pellet of food from her lab coat. He eats it from her hand with a gurgle of appreciation, gives Entrapta her cupcake then leaves.

"Does Jeremy look a little off-colour today or is that just me?" Entrapta asks.

"Probably just the lighting," Olivia says. "…So, what were saying before he came in? You pulled your entire planet out of a pocket reality and back into its original dimension?"

Entrapta blushes modestly. "It was mostly the First Ones tech that did the heavy lifting. It worked though, and without destroying everything! I thought it would, but Catra was insistent we go through with it."

"Sounds like Kingpin and my collider," Olivia smiled. "It's not easy tapping into the Multiverse, not on my Earth or your Etheria at least. Here it seems that sort of thing comes easy to them."

She rested her chin in her hands and for a moment looked thoughtful.

"They don't know what they have here."

"Hang on one minute, you built an interdimensional portal too!?" Entrapta gasps.

"Oh yes, something like that," Olivia says lightly.

"Wow!" Entrapta says eyes aglow. "I've always wanted to find another scientist that's run experiments on the scale I have but practically I thought it was probably going to be impossible! I'm so glad we ran into each other Doctor Olivia."

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine," Olivia says. "We can compare results in a minute, but you should probably answer that first."

She points to the desk behind Entrapta where the walkie-talkie is crackling with static. Entrapta claps her hands together and squeaks.

"Oh, you're right, my friends need me."

She clicks the radio on.

"Hi, Friends! Me and Olivia have been having such a nice time! How've you been?"

"ENTRAPA!"

Fry's voice comes shrieking through the machine.

…

He and the rest of the Ordinals tear through the forest encloser, Mothman on their heels.

"Who's that friend you made?" Entrapta asks.

"He's not a friend!" Fry yelps. "Make him go away."

…

Entrapta stares at her monitors and strokes her chin with one of her pigtails.

"That'd be tricky. How about I make you guys go away instead? That alright?"

"YES! GOD! Do it already!"

"Oaky doke!"

…

A door springs open in the forest. The Ordinals bound through it. Miko slamming it forcefully in Mothman's face. They hear the bug shrieking at them from the other side.

"Made it!" Fry shouts "Everybody alright?"

"I think we're okay," Jack admits, retrieving his glasses. "That was scary though."

"Actually, I changed my mind again. That was fun!" Miko declares.

Jack gives her a look of disbelief.

"Where are we now Entrapta?" Katara asks looking around. They're in a dark cavern filled with mist, smoke and embers.

"Currently you should have ended up in the reptile house."

"What's in there?"

The radio lets out nothing but static, Katara taps it confused.

"Hello? Entrapta? Does anyone know what's wrong with this? I'm still getting used to your people's technology."

"She's probably chatting with the enemy again," Guzma grumbles.

"Guess where on our own," Miko says.

The Zoo's reptile house smells overwhelmingly of sulphur and brimstone as the Ordinals creep through it. Snakes slither at their feet when the contestants draw too close, they bite their own tails and go rolling away like a hula-hoop sent down a hill.

"The less time we spend here the better," Shego complains, hitching up the hem of her dress, already wet and frayed from their escape from the Mothman.

"Not that I'd normally agree with her, but she's right," Katara says to Fry. "We need to keep moving. Those other guys might be way ahead of us. Any of your monster knowledge seem helpful right now?

"Not sure, let me think," Fry says.

"I didn't know youcouldthink," Alucard says grinning. Katara gives him an unimpressed look.

"Guys!"

They hear Jack's call from around a corner. The boy sounds nervous, they catch up with him and find out why.

Before them is a scene out of high fantasy. A towering red dragon, sleeping on a pile of gold.

"Oh man!" Jack breathes.

"Oh man is right," Guzma says.

Fry looks thoughtful.

"I got a plan!" He says suddenly.

"The dragon gave you a plan?" Shego asks concerned.

"Don't worry, as captain I made sure to come up with something that probably won't get us killed."

Fry's phrasing causes his team to eye him nervously.

"It better be a good plan," Guzma says wearily.

…

Several minutes later the Ordinals find themselves on a ledge overlooking the back of a sleeping dragon.

"This is terrible plan!" Guzma hisses.

"What better way to get where we're going than hitching a ride?"

"Any other way!" Shego snaps.

"What? How? Katara keeps saying her flying friend is great."

"Fry, Our gang has a flyingbisonback home." Katara points out apprehensively. "Riding a dragon is entirely a different thing."

"Does anyone evenknowhow we're going to control that thing?" Guzma demands.

"Awk! Leave that to Vultureman!"

Guzma grimaces in dismay.

"Can we quit stalling and do this already!?" Miko says, bouncing up in down in anticipation.

"On three." Fry declares. "One! Two! Now!"

"Now what?" Meg asks.

"Now go!" Fry cries.

"I thought you said go on three!"

"Someone said three!" Miko shouts, and she lets out a cry and leaps. Fry, Vultureman and with much dismay, the others soon join her.

Forcefully landing on its back stirs the great creature. Its reptilian eyes shoot open, its serpent-like neck jerks upwards, only for Vultureman to pounce onto its head and seize it by the horns.

"FORWARD SLAVE! YOUR NEW MASTER DEMANDS IT!"

…

A piercing roar echoes through the museum.

"What was that?" Zelda asks.

"Here's hoping we don't find out," Bruce says.

The Supertasks stroll light-footed through sleeping hallways of toads. The team largely silent, save for Penny's lullaby. Their path lit by the bright desert enclosers, each one proudly displaying a different rare and exotic beast, save for one large exhibit that's empty supposedly due to it being "Chupacabra Mating Season"

"What do you think Chupacabra mating season's like?" Steve wonders aloud. Tenpenny shushes him.

"Keep it down Harrington."

"Sorry," Steve says in a quieter tone. "Just, the stillness of this place man. I don't like it."

"We can chat, just do it quietly."

"Alright, uh… what do you want to chat about?"

"What'd make of this team so far Harrington?" Tenpenny asks causally.

Steve looks around at the others.

"You want an honest opinion?"

"Yeah, why the hell not?"

"They're a pretty alright gang," Steve admits. "Not that Gary's gone there's not anyone here pissing me off, Elizabeth and I were talking earlier and she's actually pretty cool, you seem alright. Uh, who else?"

They've left the desert exhibits behind now and entered the aquarium. Enclosers that stretch out vastly beyond their glass fronts show different scenes and creatures. One with adiplodocuscreature grazing on swamp ferns bears the name [MOKELE MEBEMBE: AFRICA] on its placard.

"…Penny's cool, Sholmes or whatever his name was seems insane and so are Sam and Max. Or maybe just Max, he's the rabbit right?"

Another exhibit with a creature only visible by its wake in an overgrown lake, the placard reads [BUNYIP: AUSTRALIA]

Steve leaned over to Tenpenny and dropped his voice further.

"…Other three I can't a read on yet."

"Who? Wayne, Doc Octavius and the Princess?"

"That's right."

Tenpenny nods slowly.

Another encloser shows a storm-battered rocky coastline with strange black-furred elves perched on a sea stack, as the contestants pass the elves transform into ravens. The placard reads [PUCA: EUROPE]

"You play poker at all Harrington?" Tenpenny asks abruptly.

"If you're asking my folks then absolutely not," Steve says, he looks coy. "But… you know… I might have picked up the rules somewhere."

Tenpenny chuckles softly.

"This game's a lot like poker, some people play it fast and loose, not exactly hard to figure what they've got. Then there're other people, the kind that likes to hold their cards close to their chest."

He gives Zelda and Bruce an appraising look.

"…I got connections back in Los Santos, matter of fact I am the most popular ***** in that overcrowded gangb*nger paradise. I know those streets; Iownthose streets. Here though? Here I getting used to starting over from scratch. I wouldn't mind knowing more about our friends too Steve. Damn pain in the ass, there ain't an easy way to do it."

They pass a vast aquarium where three Elasmosaurus-like lake monsters swim. The placard identifies them as Champ, The Ogopogo, and the famed Loch Ness Monster.

"Too bad we don't have a captain anymore to boss people around," Steve says.

Tenpenny gives the teen a strange glance, then looks thoughtful.

"Thatisa shame isn't it Steve?"

…

In Rodney's Study, most of the staff are glued to the great screens at the front of the room, with one exception.

Conner O'Gleeson is pacing the room, looking uncharacteristically solemn

"Whatever is the matter, Conner?" Peach asks, noticing his distress.

"Jeremy," Conner says. "The Big Guy went to go deliver food to the girls an hour ago."

"So what? Chef's been gone all day but you don't see me complaining." Says Chris.

The door to the study opens and in oozes Jeremy. Though it's always difficult to parse the expression on his vacant features, Jeremy seems visibly ill. A pale discolouration across his soft body now impossible to ignore.

"Sugar Bear!" Conner cries. "Where you been buddy? You had me worrying there."

Jeremy warbles out a feeble gurgle that turns into a loud, hacking cough.

Conner exchanges a look of worry with the others.

…

The Supertasks have made it to the central atrium of the indoor zoo. Imposing skeletons and models hang from the brightly painted ceiling. In the centre of the room stands a large cage shrouded by a curtain.

"Well how about that?" Tenpenny says. "That was almost easy."

"Too easy indeed…" Herlock notes conspiratorially.

"Doctor, that cage isn't booby-trapped is it?" Bruce asks the radio.

"Well not anymore." Chuckles Olivia.

"Enough stalling, let's see what it is already!" Penny Crayon insists.

She draws close to the curtain, then leaps back in alarm. A snarling muzzle has just lunged through the bars at her, followed by another, and a third.

Elizabeth pulls down the curtain. There in the cage is a black dog, similar to a cane corso, but larger than a bear. All three of its heads snarling at them.

"That's what we're supposed to steal!?" Cries Steve aghast.

"That, thing is Cerberus. The pride and joy of my collection." Crones a new voice.

The room suddenly goes into lockdown, metal blast doors block the exit, red lasers sprout from around Cerberus's cage.

A familiar figure creeps out of the shadows, burly and muscular with a designer suit.

"Is that… the Chef?" Zelda asks puzzled.

The man glares at them.

"I ain't Chef!" He says in a voice identical to Chef Hatchet.

"The name's Crypt. Mister Crypt. And I applauded you scrawny ama-teursfor making it this far." His eye twitches dangerously. "I'd be impressed if it weren't for this littleburning rageI got in me after seeing how you folks been treating my precious animals."

"Sorry Chef," Steve says Crypt's jaw tightens like a vice.

"I Ain't Chef! And you folk ain't going nowhere."

He kicks down her crank organ. The lullaby music stops suddenly.

There comes the sound of several dozen guns all being co*cked at once. Crypt sneers.

"Do notpresumeyou were allowed in here out ofhospitality. Isn't that right Toadette?"

A horde of toads materialize on the mezzanines overlooking either side of the atrium. At their helm is a pink-capped toad with mushroom pigtails and a pink dress. She like all her comrades armed with rubber bullet guns.

"Ha ha! Oh Yay! Yay!"

[Sorry friend! This isn't personal, just business!]

She points her gun at them, all the toads do.

Bruce gulps.

"Any ideas Doc?" He asks the radio.

"Well, good news is there should be a distraction heading in your direction," Olivia says brightly.

"What is it?" Zelda asks.

A second later the doors to the room explode open, in bursts the Outlandish Ordinals, as well as the angry dragon they're desperately clinging to.

"THIS WAS A MISTAKE!" Fry cries.

The dragon lashes around violently, trying to rid itself of the contestants. It lets out a raging torrent of fire from its mouth torching the room, and causing the Toads to scatter.

…

Back in the Study, the Princess lets out a sharp squeak of terror for little subjects.

"Relax, they'll be fine," Daisy says with inflated confidence.

…

"Hell of a distraction doc!" Tenpenny calls over the noise of the room. "Now somebody get that dog!"

"On it!" Penny cries.

She quickly draws a dog whistle and blows into it. All three of Cerberus's heads jerk up and it lunges forward, easily breaking the lock.

"Meet us outside Olivia!" Tenpenny says. "We're on our way."

…

Peach leans over Rodney's shoulder.

"Mr Rodney, please get that fire out before it hurts one of my toads." She says fretfully.

Rodney chuckles. "I assure you dear Princess do harm will come-"

"Now Rodney!"

Rodney clears his throat.

"Of course, who would I be to deny the request of a guest?"

"I'll handle this…" Chris says, with an innocuous press of a button.

…

"They're getting away!" Miko shouts. A finger pointed at the fleeing Supertasks. Most of her own team has been shaken loose of their draconic mount.

"We've got other problems!" Fry says, dodging a column of flames from the dragon, then a hail of rubber bullets by the Toads.

"Any plans to get us out of this one oh Fearless Leader?" Shego quips.

Fry blinks helplessly.

"Uh…. Katara?"

"I don't think I could take all these guys unless I had more water."

A rumbling draws the attention of everyone in the room to the hall opposite the one the Ordinals entered, where a massive wall of water is rapidly approaching.

"That enough?" Meg asks.

"That ought to do it," Katara notes causally.

The flood hits the room, washing nearly everything away. Toads, dragon, and Supertasks alike. Katara braces herself and raises both arms. The water breaks around the Ordinals, they're protected as the flood is redirected around them.

…

"You blew up the Lake Monster tank!?" Daisy cries, looking at Chris with a mix of disbelief and excitement.

"Not what I thought that button did, but it worked didn't it?" Chris says arms folded. "See Princess, your subjects are fine."

Peach gets an eyeful of her waterlogged subjects on screen and makes an ill-contented sound.

…

The Supertasks and their canine prise are washed out the entrance of Crypt's museum in a great rush of water. Much to the surprise of the three getaway drivers waiting outside.

"Well how 'bout that?" Sam says with a whistle. "Not something you see every day eh little buddy?"

"You think they'd have mentioned this in my horoscope today?" Max says. "You fellas still amongst the living?"

He prods Steve with his foot, a geyser of water erupts from the teen's mouth and he sits up coughing.

"Well look at that, they lived," Max says surprised. "Here I thought we'd be down to a team of three for a second there."

The Ordinals emerge from the museum,

"Get that dog!" Miko shouts.

With a great squawk and a heave, Vultureman hurls the hellhound into their van. Shego darts back into the museum and returns a few seconds later, dragging Entrapta by the pigtails.

"Goodbye, Liz! It's been a joy!" She says cheerfully, waving behind her.

"Comrades! Our foes! They're getting away!" Herlock cries returning to his feet. The other Supertasks also coming back to their senses around him.

"Hey! You're trying to steal what we've rightfully stolen man!" Steve says indignantly.

"Not on our watch they won't!" Penny insists.

Alucard pauses halfway through climbing into his team's fan and stares at them now.

"Oh? And just want to plan to do to stop us?" He challenges.

"You're all about to find out what happens to does foolish enough to attempt to stand in our-"

A rubber bullet bounces off his cheek. Alucard jerks his head like a raptor, finding himself staring down the barrel of Crypt's gun.

"You're dead White Boy."

Alucard gives him an amused look.

"I alreadywas, but so be it."

He goes stiff and falls to the ground face forward.

More bullets follow, and One hits Jack as well. Another bounces off Zelda, she lets out a little gasp.

"All is lost!"

Soon place is under a hail storm of them as the Toads come back to their senses.

"We've got everything, what are still sitting here for Captain?!" Guzma shouts.

"Wallace! Make car go fast! Now!" Fry blurts out in a panic.

Wallace sighs and steps on the gas.

The Supertasks take cover behind their van.

"Doc they're getting away, we need you here so we can pursue," Bruce says into the Radio.

"Believe me I'd love to be there Wayne, but all those cutesy little snipers are making it hard."

"Say no more!" Herlock declares.

Suddenly he vaults over the van

"Go friends! Be gone and make haste!"

He picks up a downed toad's rifle and with a great cry of triumph begins firing into the mezzanines.

"Never forget Herlock Sholmes!"

"He really is a bit mad, isn't he?" Penny notes.

"All the best are," Olivia says, jogging over them. "Now, I'd say it's time to leave."

"Right!"

They hope in their van and speed off after the Ordinals. Leaving Herlock to his fate.

Several bullets find their mark, he grunts melodramatically as they strike him, then falls to his knees.

"Devilish fiends! Curse you all I am slain!"

He clutches his chest and seizes up.

"…The rest… is silence."

He flops forward and collapses next to Alucard. Jack looks at them uncertainly.

"What do we do now?"

"Dead humans don't speak child." Alucard grunts from the floor.

"Oh, right," Jack says.

He flops down to the ground next to the other fallen contestants, sticking his tongue out exaggeratedly.

"Princess…" Herlock hisses.

Zelda, who's been standing there uncertain, sits down cross-legged next to them.

"You call that dead?" Alucard asks.

…

The contestants speed off into a Rodney House night, a flashing cityscape of bright billboards and neon lights folds in on them enveloping the freeway their own in a forest of glass and steel, trucks carrying casino advertisem*nts roll past them.

Serving past commuters who only exist for the sake of the challenge Max rams the back of the Ordinals van with his front bumper, they can hear Cerberus agitated barking.

He pulls a megaphone from somewhere unknown.

"Freelance Police! Stop the vehicle!"

"MAKE US!" Shouts Meg.

"You've stolen something from a wanted criminal of the law. Fork it over, and let us steal it instead! Also…"

He turns to Sam.

"Sam we're running a dognapping racket here, and you're a dog, those this count as trafficking?"

"Max little buddy, it's times like these where I try not to think too hard about questions like that," Sam assures him.

A bolt of green energy soars out of the Ordinals van, Max takes a hard right to avoid it, sending his team skidding out of control.

Leaning out the driver's side window Shego laughs.

"So long Coppers!"

"That should buy us some time," Fry says hopefully. "Wallace! How long until we hit the safe house?"

"Should be soon, there's only one complication."

"What?"

"In all the excitement of today, it slipped my mind that I don't actually have a driver's licence."

"WHAT!?"

"Blame Toronto's acceptably efficient public transit. But it's fine, we're gonna make this work."

"You know you're in the wrong lane, right?" Shego demands.

"Who cares!" Miko demands, sticking her head out the window and surveying their surroundings. "So long as Wallace doesn't hit anything, we've got this in the BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Baa?" Shego asks.

A familiar red-eyed black winged creature lands on the hood of their van. Mothman has returned.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
…

The Supertasks have regained their control but not their speed.

"Go on then! Hurry up already!" Penny demands.

"Gee lady I'm already driving as recklessly as I can." Max insists, serving past another vehicle so abruptly they hear it crash into something. He peers into the rear-view mirror and squints.

"Ah criminy, that'll be a headache."

"What's eating you, little buddy?" Sam asks.

"Well, we got good news and bad news," Max says plainly. "Good news the Other Guys seems to have gotten mixed up with some tough customers from back at the zoo."

"What's the bad news?" Elizabeth inquires.

"We're about to do the same," Max says.

Something shoots off their driver's side mirror. The cast turns and sees Crypt and the toads fast gaining on them in a Hummer limousine. Crypt hoists himself out of the sunroof and leaps onto their van. Punching the backdoors so hard they dent inwards.

"Man, Chef really takes his roles seriously huh?" Steve asks.

The glass window of the back door shatters, Crypt reaches through and grabs Steve, putting him in a chokehold.

"STEVE!" Tenpenny yelps.

Crypt snarls at him.

"Guttless street-level thieves like you deserve to be entombed."

"Get your goddamn hands off my buddy!"

Tenpenny slams his fist into Crypt's head, striking the criminal between the eyes. He lets go of Steve, and falls from the van, tumbling onto the road and rolling under the wheels of his own limo.

Steve winces as he gets up.

"Think we're gonna get into trouble for that?"

Tenpenny sniffs indignantly.

"So what? That's why he gets for messing with our crew."

"Thanks man."

"I got you Harrington." Tenpenny turns to Sam and Max. "Now put the pedal to the metal and get us that God. Damn. Dog already!"

…

Ahead of them, panic grips the Ordinals as Mothman punches through their windshield. Cerberus growls furiously

"WHY IS THIS GUY BACK!?" Shego yells.

Mothman thrusts an elongated arm through the windshield, thrilling and gesturing angrily to Miko.

"Miko! I don't think he likes you!" Fry declares helpfully.

"What did I do!?" Miko shouts.

The Mothman shrieks. Miko glares it down.

"Look dude, me and my buds here have a challenge to win, so you can go ahead and BUG OFF!"

A blast of energy knocks the cryptid off their van. The Ordinals find Miko, arm outstretched, the electronic gauntlet from episode one smoking slightly on her wrist.

"How long have you had that!?" Katara gasps. Miko blanches slightly as if she's made some sort of error.

"It's uh… a Pokémon thing?"

"There's no Pokémon tool that looks like that!" Guzma cries. Miko sighs.

"Good to know."

She flashes them all with a blinding light. When it dissipates the other Ordinals and Cerberus look dazed for a moment.

"Uh… The Great Vultureman feels he may have spaced out for a moment." Confesses Vultureman.

"Yeah… I completely forget what was supposed to doing?" Wallace says dreamily.

"Uh, you're supposed to be driving bro," Miko says helpfully.

"Right…" Wallace says.

His eyes go wide.

"sh*t!"

The van clips another car with enough force to send it airborne. The Ordinals cry out in terror as they're sent flying.

The van careens through the air, flipping front over back several times and rolling until it's reduced to a twisted husk of scrap metal.

With a pained groan, the contestants and their stolen prize stagger out of it, seemingly without serious injury.

"AWK! Nice driving, you nearly got us killed!" Vultureman squawks irritably

"I feel like thatshouldhave got us killed, Guzma says, mildly confused.

"Are you upset itdidn't?" Wallace asks.

The Supertasks van speeds past them, back doors open. Penny blows into a dog whistle (New one mind you, the last one was melted by the water) Cerberus bounds up like a puppy and leaps into the van.

"Thank you!" Chirps Penny.

"That's unfortunate," Entrapta says happily.

The others look at her.

"Something I said?"

…

At an unmarked safehouse nearby the staff are gathered awaiting the contestants. Conner has Jermey propped up in a gurney for support. His poor assistant looking rather dire, bloated and discoloured with illness. Conner places a damp towel on the protrusion of pink flesh that counts as his friend.

"…I'm serious, I'm worried about you big guy."

"Uh, Conner? You mind doing that later, we've still got a challenge to wrap up." Chris says, mildly annoyed.

"My little buddy takes priority over your most recent poorly thought-out challenge Christopher."

"For your information, this challenge like everything to ever come out of my brilliant mind is amazing, and intricately plotted down to the last detail."

"Right. Explain the last three then."

"We didn't forget anything this time!"

"Ah Christopher that does remind me, wedidtell the contestants they'd be meeting us here to complete their challenge, didn't we?" Rodney asks. Chris blinks.

"Uh…"

A Supertasks van speeds into the safe house, the doors fly open and out comes Cerberus.

"Well how about that?" Tenpenny says. "Appears we've won."

"That you have!" Chris declares. "The Seismic Supertasks take their first victory!"

The team erupts into cheers. Sam & Max beam, Bruce gives a reserved smile, and even Elizabeth accepts a high five from Steve.

"Good job getting here first and with the heist item," Chris says. "Your reward is one stress-free night of relaxation in the good cabin!"

The Ordinals trudge over, dishevelled from their crash. Chris eyes them gleefully.

"And of course, we have our losers for today! Good news guys, you'll get to enjoy some of Peach's cookies tonight, at elimination."

The Ordinals groan.

"I hate losing," Grunts Guzma.

"Could this suck any more?" Miko demands.

Mothman lands in from of them, the Ordinals cry out in alarm.

The cryptid gestures sporadically, waving its arms around like an impatient retail customer.

"DUDE! Seriously! What do you want!?" Miko demands.

It trills irritably, then sticks a hand in a pocket of its own furry body, searching for a moment before it pulls out something and shows it to her.

"Miko…" Katara says slowly. "…. Are those the shoes you left in the enclosure?"

"Uh…"

Miko blinks at the cryptid.

"Wait… Mothman? Have you just been trying to be a homie this whole time?"

The creature nods emphatically.

Miko laughs in embarrassment.

"Ah man… Sort of embarrassing here. We got you all wrong."

She accepts the shoes awkwardly.

"Sorry about the whole, attacking you thing. We cool?"

She sticks her fist out. They fist bump. Mothman then pounds his chest twice, flashes a peace sign and fades away.

"Has the Mothman always been able to teleport?" Chris asks.

"It seems that he can in my house," Rodney says with a fascinated tone.

Chris shrugs.

"Weird."

Olivia, standing away from the rest of her team furrows her brow and looks past her fellow contestants.

"Conner? What's wrong with your friend."

"Poor Jermey's gotten dreadfully ill," Peach informs her dutifully.

"Yes… and I'm having the damnedest time figuring out why," Conner says distractedly.

Without warning Jermey seizes up and doubles over, he retches and gurgles, making deep guttural sounds even worse than he normally those.

Then his cheeks bulge and he leans back and hacks something out of him with enough force to dent the side of the Supertasks van.

Conner rushes forward to pick it up. Several contestants wince in disgust. The object seems to be a smooth, black stone with arcane symbols engraved into it. Conner cradles it reverently and gives Jeremy a pained expression.

"Sugar Bear say it ain't so?"

"What is it?" Daisy asks curiously.

"It's one of Jermey's gastroliths of destiny," Conner reports. "He coughs one of these suckers up once every five years."

"Oh…" Daisy says slowly. "What's that mean?"

"It's a sign must migrate back to the scared heartland of his kind and replenish his life juices from the mother goo."

"Ew…" Fry says.

Conner looks at his friend stricken, now that he's coughed up his stone Jermey seems to have returned to normal.

"Well, this is terrible. I'm… God I'm honestly upset about this." Conner says. "Jeremy! This means you're going to have to leave the show!"

Jeremy brays sorrowfully.

"What I don't understand is Jeremy coughed one up two years ago. How come you're early sugar bear?" Conner asks.

Olivia discretely tucks some of the food pellets she'd fed Jermey earlier further up her sleeve.

"Well Conner, that is most unfortunate," Rodney says sympathetically.

"Oh, how horrible Conner!" Peach cries.

"Good riddance!" Chris declares.

The other staff turn and give him an accusing look.

"Am I the only one that doesn't like the gross slime monster!?" He shouts.

"Regretfully this also means we'll be down a staff member," Rodney informs him.

"We have like, a ton of toads dude. It'll be fine." Chris insists. "Also, Chef, who needs to come and take these contestants down to the showers. They reek with stress sweat and it's starting to get unbearable standing next to them."

He looks around.

"Anybody seen Chef?"

The supertasks glance at one another awkwardly.

"About that..." Begins Bruce.

"Keep your shirt on I'm coming!"

Chef Hatchet marches into the building, dressed in his normal clothes and looking no surlier than usual.

"Oh, hey Chef, we kind of thought you died," Steve says.

Chef raises an eyebrow.

"Beg your pardon?"

"Last we saw you, you were being run over by your little criminal goons," Max explains cheerfully. Chef gives him a tired look.

"That was Mister Crypt!"

"But-" Penny begins.

"He was one of Rodney's freaky robot people," Chef says. "…and you people messed him up something bad."

He holds up the mangled remnants of the Crypt robot. The Supertasks wince.

"That's news to me. So where were you all day then?" Chris asks.

"Baking." Chef asserts.

"You can bake anytime! We had work."

Chef folds his arms crossly.

"I prefer baking alone. Ain't much fun baking when a certainsomebodykeeps sampling my goods without asking."

Princess Peach whistles innocently.

…

That night the Ordinals ruefully bring their things out of the good cabin, as the Supertasks move in. The team's spirits are bitter, even rueful, even the normally unflappable Entrapta seems mildly disappointed.

She presses a button on her tape recorder.

"Rodney House: Log 32: Day 4: Hour 17: Failure! Finally, we have had a challenge with some amount of tech. I was enthralled naturally, yet my abilities don't seem to have… helped us somehow. Strange. Awaiting our hosts summon for elimination ceremony. Thought of losing someone unfortunate, though Princess Peach did bake me a tiny cookie last time. Very delicious, must get her recipe.

Team morale has suffered some since last ceremony. Squadron talking amongst themselves in low voices now. Wonder about what?"

She stops her recording and plays it back. Someone approaches.

"Hi Liz," Entrapta says without looking up.

"'Trapta hi there sweetie how are you?" Olivia asks.

"I'm good. Just taking data." Entrapta says. "What's everyone talking about over there?"

Olivia nudges her glasses back into place and makes her tone casual.

"They're talking about who we're going to have to eliminate tonight."

"That's a shame. Who's the unlucky friend?"

Olivia scratches the back of her neck.

"Well, I don't want to be too nosy. It's not my team after all, I'll get accused of spying, but by the sound of it some of the Ordinals were … put out by your performance as their tech guy."

"Oh." Entrapta says.

A moment later the words find their mark within Entrapta's aloft mind, and the girl deflates somewhat.

"Oh…" She repeats.

"I thought it would be kinder if you knew ahead of time," Olivia says. "Believe me, I don't want this either. I like you a lot 'Trapa, we had a lot of fun today."

Entrapta gives a little sigh and looks up at the ceiling.

"That is a shame."

She brightens up slightly and claps her hand.

"It really is incredible the level of magic and technology on display here. This Rodney fellow's a master of the craft. I'd love to have learned more about what he's created. But…"

Quickly as she brightened, she fades again.

"… I guess that won't happen now."

Olivia taps her chin thoughtfully. Pretending to make up a scheme that she's in actuality had thought out for several hours now.

"You know Entrapta… If that's all you care about, I might have a solution for you."

Entrapta's spark returns. She looks up hopefully.

"Really? What?"

…

The Ordinals file into the elimination room, for the first time as a team.

Chris, the Princesses, Rodney, and Conner enter the scene. Chris carrying his plate of cookies, in one hand, A half-eaten cookie in his other. He shoved the rest of it in his mouth and sucks the chocolate off his finger.

"Ah man, I love me a good Cheat Day, and Ordinals you must be pretty happy to be back. It's been a couple days since you've had one of these tasty suckers."

"It was bound to happen," Shego says unsympathetically. "Some people think it's an affront to lose anyone." She side-eyes Katara, who glares back. "…But today it was pretty easy to pick who we're kicking out."

"Do you have to describe it so harshly?" Katara asks.

"Yes!"

Chris chuckles.

"Much as I'd love to draw out your personal turmoil, I'll make this one quick. Seeing as one of our staff members is a little beat up about this one. Isn't that right Rod?"

Rodney nods, the master of the house looking unusually glum.

"You've all cast you're vote and made your decision," Chris tells the Supertasks. "When I call your name and toss you a cookie, you're safe. No cookie means hit the road.

The following contestants are safe:

Vultureman…

Guzma…

Miko…

Wallace…

Jack…

Fry….

Alucard…

Katara…

Shego…

It's down to Meg and Entrapta, Meg casts a slightly awkward glance at Entrapta, who's seemingly returned to her normally bubbly self

"Last cookie of the night goes to….

…

…..

..

…Meg!" Chris declares. "Entrapta! You're out!"

Entrapta bonds out of her chair, her expressive pigtails shrugging for her.

"Ah well… you win some you lose some."

Rodney sighs dejectedly. Peach pats him on the shoulder.

Entrapta scurried over to the squirrel eyes full of innocence.

"Mister Rodney Squirrel! Could you walk me out? I don't know the way back home from here."

"Yes, I'd be happy to Entrapta," Rodney says melancholically.

He takes her by the hand and escorts her through the door to the outside world. Chris slams it behind them.

Rodney sighs once more.

"What's the matter?" Entrapta asks.

"Truthfully my dear Entrapta I'm rather broken up about seeing you leave so soon. I know we've only just met, yet there's much I admire about you. You remind me so strongly of my younger days."

"That makes sense. Liz did say, me, you and her are all kindred spirits."

"Undoubtedly so, I agree. There are so few like-minded people around here, I would have been happy to have you around much longer. Tell me. Did you enjoy my creation at least?"

"Oh! It was wonderful Rodney! Your house is one of the most impressive pieces of technology I've ever seen. Even the First Ones would have been jealous of it."

"You must return someday, I'll give you a proper tour."

"Oh, I'd love to come back one day! Things are peaceful at home now and Hordak would understand if I was gone for a while. Anytime that works I'll be there, and if there's anything I can do for you in the meantime, just ask."

Rodney pauses and looks at her. A sudden thought having emerged in his mind.

He smiles thoughtfully.

"Perhaps there is something you could do for me?"

…

Back in Rodney's study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. He presses mute and turns to the audience.

"So that's our episode for tonight. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it because I didn't.

Chris it seemed finally delivered a half-decent challenge and in doing so threw the stars out of alignment and forced my beloved Jeremy out of the game."

He sighs.

"I'm really torn up about that. 'Conner!' I hear you cry. 'Why get so emotional over the big slime ball?' Well, he's my Slime Ball alright? I don't care if it's weird. He's my little buddy I go travelling everywhere with. It's going to be a real drag around here not having him around. Also despite what McLean says, Jeremy does a lot of work around the place, a thousand toads on hand or not, we're going to have to get someone to replace him. Probably my other old assistant, Jeffrey Sawicki."

Conner groans in displeasure.

"I am… not a happy camper at the thought of that. But que cera cera. Despite my emotional torment, the show must go on, and provided a new assistant doesn't show up tonight I'm sure we'll be forced to deal with the unpleasant consequences of Jeremy's departure, next time! On Total! Drama!-"

The door to the study unlocks. Conner jumps up startled.

"Good evening Conner."

Conner clutches his chest in relief.

"Oh! Rodney… It's just you."

"Conner… Did I overhear you recording an outro?"

"…. No."

"I don't mean to intrude, I merely thought that was one of Christopher's responsibilities."

"Yea- uh… Um. It's not… but I see how you could be confused. Everything's been out of order now that we're short-staffed."

Rodney smiles.

"I may have a solution to that. It seems a new intern has made herself available to stay with us for the rest of production."

He opens the door further.

Entrapta is standing behind him. Her eyes shining with excitement.